The Ships of Relation - Crash and Burn
"Remember when I said I'm gonna be ok if you,
err how should I say this...'bail out' on your own behalf?"
"Err yes, why?"
"I don't think I will be"
Well I'll be damned.
Itulah yang gue katakan pada Agar dua bulan sebelum gue berangkat ke Jepang. Dan sekarang, malah gue yang suka sama orang lain duluan.
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
No, I'm squished to death by those two.
Now, I know what you might be thinking, "man, Agar ain't even yo girl yet, why you trippin like that, just do whatever you want"
Well, I mean, yes, but when it comes to these sorta things I don't just dump it off ok, I don't just zap my feelings away with a magic wand. I wish I could. Oh boy, how I wish for it every single night.
Errrhhmm, but yea, ever since I realized I was starting to develop romantic feelings towards Panadol, gue gundah gulana bukan main. Seperti yang kalian tau, kalo lo suka sama seseorang, pasti bawaannya pengen ketemu terus. And that's exactly what happened. Tiap hari gue ke kampus, gue selalu berharap-harap bisa at least sapa-sapaan sama si Panadol. Tentu saja, di kebanyakan hari, harapan gue hanyalah harapan. Akan tetapi, ada hari-hari yang gue beneran ketemu dengan Panadol, dan hari tersebut secara instan terasa lebih ringan dan menyenangkan, walaupun kadang gak nyampe 10 detik gue berinteraksi dengan Panadol. But yeah, namanya juga lagi berbunga-bunga, gimana lagi.
Pergi ke meeting Habitat juga jadinya sama, awalnya beneran niat pengen ikut, sekarang motivasinya malah gara-gara pengen ketemu Panadol.
Tentu saja, gue harus ngasih tau temen-temen deket gue soal Panadol. Laki dan Estrella lah yang pertama tau.
"Eh fak men, I think I like someone here"
"Oh ok so Agar for me ya men, yes thank you", kata si Laki.
"Heh peler, gak gitu juga nyet, ini baru suka"
"Wuedee Rory playboy anjir", giliran si Estrella ngomong.
"Orang mana Ror?", tanya si Laki.
"Thailand"
"Wah tititnya lebih gede dari punya lu tuh"
"Ngepet"
"Hahahahahahahaha"
Yap. There you go, the mandatory "she-a-ladyboy-cos-she-Thai" banter.
Gue pun lanjut ngobrol dengan temen-temen gue soal situasi yang sedang gue hadapi ini. Gue bilang ke mereka gue bingung harus gimana. Dan, Laki, tentu saja, memberikan gue tips yang paling berguna.
"Dua-duanya aja Ror, kan two is better than one hahahahahahahah"
"Geblek hahahaha ya gak lah, gue nikung no no men, gue kan cowok baik"
"Baik apaan jing, lo kentut di mobil gue, mana baiknya"
Begitulah.
Gak cuma dua makhluk itu, gue juga tentu saja ngomong ke Dimas soal ini, dan dia untungnya memberi nasihat yang lebih bermutu.
"Hahaha ya jalanin aja dulu Ror, menurut gue lo gapapa sih suka sama orang lain, kan lo sama Agar juga gak ada status apa-apa".
Meskipun udah dikasih tau berkali-kali sama Dimas gitu, gue tetep aja tiap hari rasanya gak enak. This went on for the rest of the semester.
Time jump ke akhir semester, beberapa hari sebelum libur musim panas.
Di satu malam, di kota gue ada festival musim panas (natsu matsuri), yang juga barengan dengan kumpul bareng grup Habitat. Kedua acara tersebut lokasinya berdekatan, sama-sama deket stasiun kereta kota. Rencana awal gue adalah untuk ikutan kumpul bareng halfway, terus cabut ke festival. Kenapa? Karena gue dan Panadol udah janjian utnuk pergi bareng ke festival tersebut beberapa hari sebelumnya.
"Oh, you should come to the matsuri on Friday", kata si Panadol saat kita lagi makan bareng di cafeteria.
"Eh, there's a matsuri this Friday?", tanya gue.
"Yeeesss I might go there with my friends, you should if I come, come on, it'll be fun! You get to wear yukata and watch hanabi (fireworks)", si Pandol ngomong dengan antusias.
"Eeeh okay, but I don't have a yukata though, and you said might, so that means it's still a maybe, right?"
"Well you don't have to wear yukata, just wear normal clothes it's fine. Yeah, but it's like 90% chance I'll go"
"Yeaaaa okay, what time?"
"I still haven't decided yet actually HAHAH okay I'll text you on the day when I'm going"
"Hahahaha okay finee"
"So you'll come ya?"
"Yes, I will come"
"Yaaaayy okay, good good"
Kembali ke hari-h.
Gue lagi di kumpul bareng Habitat. Udah hampir jam 10 malem. Festival udah hampir selesai. Belom ada pesan dari Panadol.
Fak. This messed my whole plan up.
Now, yes, I did have a major plan in mind. You see, I do not like all this dilemma thing going on, gue jadi susah tidur gara-gara hal ini. Gak cuma itu, gue juga jadi sering overthinking yang bikin gue jadi sering bengong, jadi kayak gue pas SD/SMP dulu lagi. Hal ini cukup mengganggu hari gue, karena kadang kala gue bengong pas lagi boker, dan percayalah, hilang konsentrasi di atas toilet itu tidak enak. Itu tokai udah setengah ngintip, eits balik masuk gara-gara lupa ngeden. Sesi buang hajat yang harusnya bisa selesai dalam 5-10 menit (tanpa sembelit) bisa jadi sampe setengah jam.
Errr okay, so about my plan. I was just planning to lay out everything out on the table for Panadol. I figured that hey, it could go either way, so I have a 50-50 chance. Well, nggak juga sih, it's more like 95-5, 95 itu tentu saja hasil yang buruk (baca: dia merasa jijik dan teriak minta tolong dan gue dihakimi rakyat Beppu), dan 5 untuk hasil yang baik (baca: dia punya rasa yang sama terhadap gue dan kita pelukan di bawah cahaya redup lampion dan kembang api. Romantis). But yeah, karena gue gak dapet pesan dari Panadol, gue gak jadi ngelakuin hal tersebut and stayed until the gathering's over.
At this point, gue udah berusaha maklum aja, "ah paling dia ada urusan lain jadi gak jadi ke festival, kan dia juga bilang masih 'maybe', belom pasti", dan lanjut dengan kehidupan gue.
Jam udah menunjukkan pukul 11 malam, dan jam segitu bus udah gak ada yang jalan. Ya, bus di sini gak kayak bus di Jakarta yang jam nariknya sangat fleksibel. Untungnya, salah satu senior bawa mobil dan dia nawarin untuk nganter gue balik ke asrama. Perlu diketahui, saat itu gue juga udah dapet rumah, cuma belom selesai pindahan dan masa tinggal gue di asrama juga masih sisa dikit. But yeah, dia sedia nganter sampe asrama, jadi gue dengan senang hati menerima tawarannya.
Kita pun jalan ke tempat si senior parkir, tepatnya di belakang stasiun kereta. Jaraknya sekitar 10 menit jalan. Kita tembus lewat dalem stasiun, karena kalo muter jauh lah nyet.
And oh boy oh boy, guess who it is.
Panadol. Just there. In the station. With her friends.
Nafas gue ketelen. Gue gak siap.
Apakah gue sapa? Apakah gue dadah aja? Apa yang harus gue lakukan? Tuhan, tolong hamba.
Alas, our eyes met. Dan, reflek, kita langsung saling melambai dan akhirnya mendekati satu sama lain untuk ngobrol.
"Heyyyy where were you? I thought I told you to come", kata dia.
Eh?
"Hah? No you didn't, I don't know what you're talking about", jawab gue, bingung.
"Eh, I did, I texted you...didn't I?"
Lah, kok malah balik nanya, mana gue tau mbok.
"Wat...no you didn't, I didn't receive anything hahahaha"
"Eeeeh I diiiid, wait lemme check, I swear I texted you"
Entah kenapa gue curiga dia menderita amnesia ringan. Mungkin ini resiko dari temenan sama gue, bikin otak berhenti bekerja.
"Okay, wait, let me show you", she said, whilst scrolling through the chat list.
Gue nunggu sembari dia scroll atas bawah nyari nama gue.
"......so?"
"EH IT'S NOT HERE"
"Are you ok Panadol, did you bump your head or something? Hahahaha"
"Oh my goshhh I'm so sorry Roryy, I really thought I did text you, I swear, omygad what is wrong with me", dia mulai nyerocos tidak jelas.
"Hahahaha it's finee it's finee, I can always come next year", jawab gue kalem, padahal hati udah nyanyi How Could This Happen To Me-nya Simple Plan.
Seketika, udara jadi berasa canggung dan mencekik. Gue dengan segera ngomong dan memecahkan suasana itu.
"Soo how was it by the way? The festival"
"It was great, yeah, I wore my yukat-OH, here let me just show you the photos"
Dia pun nyodorin gue layar henfonnya yang dipenuhi berbagai foto dia dengan yukata dengan berbagai macam latar belakang. Toko takoyaki, lampion, dan lainnya.
"Oh woow that looks really nice", gue bereaksi seadanya.
"Yeah, it was"
"And where are you going now? This late at a train station hahaha"
"Oh I'm going to travel with my friends, outta town, because, yeah, summer"
"Ah I see...well, alright then, have fun! I gotta go now, don't wanna keep senior waiting here, cause he's taking me home so yeah hahah"
"Oh okay then, see you after summer, I guess?"
"Yeap, see you after summer!"
Dan lanjutlah gue jalan menuju mobil senior. Selama ngomong tadi sampe sekarang, cuma ada satu yang ada di pikiran gue:
FAK SHOULD I UNDERGO MY PLAN OR NAH? SHOULD I? SHOULD I NOT? MAIGAT WHY IS LIFE VERY DIFFICULT I DO NOT LIKE THIS ONE BIT.
Now I know, not doing it is probably the wiser decision to take. Tetapi, gue gak mau menghabiskan libur musim panas gue menduga-duga. Aduh bahasanya dangdut banget.
But yeah, you get the point. Di satu sisi, gue ngerti, timing, tempat, dan suasananya emang gak mendukung banget, tapi di sisi lain, gue udah pengen ngelepas ketidaktahuan gue perihal whether or not the feelings are mutual. Dan, gue juga gak mau kayak Kursi lagi, ngejar sampe 2 tahun eh akhirnya cuma dapet ampas.
Di saat gue ngejar Kursi, banyak hal yang gue pengen bilang face to face, but I pussied out karena gue gak berani. Karena takut gue bakal gagal. Tentu saja, penyesalan datang belakangan. I know it probably wouldn't help my situation with Kursi in any way, tapi seenggaknya ga ada lagi perasaan yang ngeganjel. Gue gak bakalan mikir-mikir "what if?" dan bisa lanjut hidup.
Gue pun terus menimbang-nimbang. Kalo gue balik ke stasiun, berarti gue kemungkinan besar harus jalan pulang, dan gue gak bisa pulang ke asrama, pulang ke rumah. Tapi kalo gue biarin kesempatan ini lewat, sepanjang liburan gue bakalan galau dan resah, gundah gulana tak berujung.
And so I've made up my mind. Yep. I'm about to make my life either more lively, or wreak havoc upon it. I'm going full on Estrella mode here. Just crash and burn and on to the next one.
Gue pun langsung pura-pura ngangkat henfon gue, belagak ngobrol sama temen gue lewat telfon.
"OH RILI MEN, YU IN BEPPU STESHEN TU? O SIT, OK LES GO BEK TUGEDER DEN YEA YEA I MIT YU IN FRON YE, OKE SI YU MEN"
Kita pun berhenti jalan dan senior gue nanya gue.
"What's wrong Rory?"
"Oh, it's nothing, err apparently my friend's around here, so I'm just gonna go home with him"
"Ah alright then, so are you sure you're okay? No need anything?"
"Yess, no problem, I'm good hahah, err yeah, ok see you!"
Dan gue ngibrit balik ke stasiun, berharap Panadol masih di sana.
Yap. Dia masih di sana. Gue berhenti untuk narik nafas and regain composure.
Jantung gue malah makin menjadi. Gue bisa ngerasain keringet dingin di tengkuk gue, dengan pelan jatuh ke punggung. Goodness me, what am I doing.
Gue pun tarik nafas panjang beberapa kali, mencoba untuk kelihatan santai, walaupun jantung berdetak layaknya berdisko kayak temen-temen gue pas perpisahan di Bali. Sangat liar.
Perlahan gue jalan menuju Panadol, masih mencoba terlihat kasual dan santai.
"Oh hey, you're still here? Train's not here yet?", tanya gue.
"Oh, you're still here too? Yeah, my train's not here yet. What happened to going back home with your senior?", jawab dia, jelas tampak sedikit kaget.
"Well, I there's a change of plan because apparently my friends are also arou-okay, errr, nevermind. Anyways, errr listen", kata gue, yang mulai kehilangan kesadaran.
"There's something that I've been trying to tell you"
And just like that, ekspresi wajah Panadol langsung berubah. Now she's extremely surprised.
"Errr okay sure.....what is it?", jawab dia sedikit terbata.
"W-well, I uh...truth be told, I...kinda have ahah f-feelings for you. I like you. Not as a friend...EH ERRRR"
ADUH GOBLOK, pikir gue. FAKFAKFAK, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT ABORT abORT HeLP.
"Ahahahaha eeuuuhhh I mean, I like you as a friend, in fact I like it too much, to the point where, you know, I feel like we can be something more"
"Hahahahah okay yeah, don't worry, I got your point"
Oke, lumayan, that'll do. That's a good damage control, Rory, that's decent.
"So...yeah...I was just wondering whether or not y-you're feeling the same way or not"
"Oh...okay...well", dia ngambil nafas sebentar.
"I feel so awkward ahahaha", kata dia.
Semprul.
"Ahahaha yeah.....I-I'm sorry", jawab gue.
"No no, it's fine. But yeah..."
Here it goes.
"I really like you too, but-"
Oh, yep, there it is. The but that brings nightmares to many men. Dari titik tersebut, gue udah tau ini ujungnya ke mana.
"I always see you as my junior, you know, you're so young and cheerful, and I just like being around you because you're fun to be around with. And yeah, I just hope that you can still be my friend because I really like having you around"
Huh, well, if there's anything good from that, at least that's the first "young and cheerful and fun to be around with" I've heard in a long time.
Gue pun menjawab,
"Ah hahaha okay...I see. Soo is that a strong maybee?"
Yeah...at this point I'm just pushing my luck.
"Well...as I said before, I really like having you around as a friend", jawab Panadol, kali ini dengan penekanan kuat di kata 'friend'.
"Ah right...okay then"
"So we're still cool right?", tanya dia, sembari ngangkat tangannya minta tos.
"Hahaha yess, of course we are", sahut gue sambil memberi high-five paling tidak antusias sepanjang hidup gue.
"Alright then, my friends are here, I'm gonna go now", kata gue, bohong.
"Okay then"
"See you. And have a nice trip"
"Hahah yes, thank you, and see you too"
And that's it.
Gue jalan keluar stasiun dengan perasaan yang campur-aduk. Gue tarik satu nafas panjang, pasang earphone, dan jalan pulang. I feel somewhat relieved, more than anything. Sedih ada, tapi gak terlalu nusuk. Gue pun langsung mencoba menghubungi temen deket gue, karena gue perlu sandaran hati ASAP. Gue mencoba menghubungi Laki, lagi keluar, Estrella, gak tau deh, kayaknya pesannya gak pernah nyampe sampe sekarang. Of course, it just has to be Dimas, isn't it. He's a legend, he truly is.
Gue spam LINE dia, dan minta untuk ngobrol lewat telfon. Tapi, entah dari mana, tiba-tiba ada telfon dari orang lain. Si Ungu. Kok timing-nya bisa pas gini, apa-apaan?
"Oi"
"Ror"
"Nape"
"How are you man, gue kangen"
"I'm good man, how are you? Iyani, gue juga kangen"
"Yea I'm good too man, so how's Japan?"
"Lumayan...oke oke ajalah. Gue pengen nanya satu hal, ini kenapa lu tiba-tiba nelfon ya?"
"Kan gue udah bilang, kangen Ror. Oh, and yeah, ini ada seseorang ama gue, mau ngobrol gak lu? Nih bentar ya, gue kasih telfonnya ke dia"
Eh? Lho lho, ada apa ini?
"Errr helo?", kata orang di seberang telefon.
"Errr hello...", jawab gue kebingungan itu siapa.
"Tau gak ini siapa Ror?"
".....no? Who this?"
"Ini Andi goblok"
"Oooooooh hey hahahaha what's up man"
Andi, untuk kalian yang belom baca post lama gue, adalah temen SMA gue.
So yeah, we talked very awkwardly for about 10 minutes. I say very awkwardly because it was very friggin awkward. Udah selesai itu urusan, gue telfon Dimas.
"Sori Dims, tadi ada temen tiba-tiba nelfon"
"Hahaha iya gapapa Ror. Kenapa tiba-tiba ngajak nelfon?"
"Errr well...I confessed to Panadol Dims"
"Wooooh terus?"
"Well, I don't know man, you tell me, do I sound like depression or the God of Happiness hahahaha"
We talked on and on, I gave him every single chronological detail, and yeah, all that stuff. Tapi ada satu hal paling penting yang gue tanya ke Dimas: how do I tell Agar about this.
"I know I have to tell her, but how Dims, gilak susah men"
"Hahaha ya lo bilang aja lah"
"Lu gampang ngomong doang nyet"
And after 2 hour talking and 5 km walking, I was home at last.
The next day, gue ngasih tau Agar soal Panadol. Setelah mikir panjang untuk merangkai kata-kata yang gak terlalu frontal tapi gak terlalu nutup diri juga, gue ngomong ke Agar. Dan reaksinya?
"Oh. Well, I kinda saw it coming sih sebenernya HAHA"
"Eh? You did? How?"
"Well, you're not the type of guy that always has girls around, so once you do have one, I had a feeling you were bound to have a crush on her"
. . . gue gak tau harus bilang apa.
But yeah, nothing really happened. She was okay with it, and we carried on being friends. However, now, we both kinda felt that it's completely fine if one of us gets a significant other which is not each other(?). You get the point lah ya.
Dia juga sempet punya gebetan dari sekolahnya, tapi cuma sebentar. Dan sekarang, gue udah suka sama orang lain lagi. So yeah. There's that for a chapter of my life. What a mess, I know.
Oh well, on to the next one then, let's carry on, shall we.
No, I'm squished to death by those two.
Now, I know what you might be thinking, "man, Agar ain't even yo girl yet, why you trippin like that, just do whatever you want"
Well, I mean, yes, but when it comes to these sorta things I don't just dump it off ok, I don't just zap my feelings away with a magic wand. I wish I could. Oh boy, how I wish for it every single night.
Errrhhmm, but yea, ever since I realized I was starting to develop romantic feelings towards Panadol, gue gundah gulana bukan main. Seperti yang kalian tau, kalo lo suka sama seseorang, pasti bawaannya pengen ketemu terus. And that's exactly what happened. Tiap hari gue ke kampus, gue selalu berharap-harap bisa at least sapa-sapaan sama si Panadol. Tentu saja, di kebanyakan hari, harapan gue hanyalah harapan. Akan tetapi, ada hari-hari yang gue beneran ketemu dengan Panadol, dan hari tersebut secara instan terasa lebih ringan dan menyenangkan, walaupun kadang gak nyampe 10 detik gue berinteraksi dengan Panadol. But yeah, namanya juga lagi berbunga-bunga, gimana lagi.
Pergi ke meeting Habitat juga jadinya sama, awalnya beneran niat pengen ikut, sekarang motivasinya malah gara-gara pengen ketemu Panadol.
Tentu saja, gue harus ngasih tau temen-temen deket gue soal Panadol. Laki dan Estrella lah yang pertama tau.
"Eh fak men, I think I like someone here"
"Oh ok so Agar for me ya men, yes thank you", kata si Laki.
"Heh peler, gak gitu juga nyet, ini baru suka"
"Wuedee Rory playboy anjir", giliran si Estrella ngomong.
"Orang mana Ror?", tanya si Laki.
"Thailand"
"Wah tititnya lebih gede dari punya lu tuh"
"Ngepet"
"Hahahahahahahaha"
Yap. There you go, the mandatory "she-a-ladyboy-cos-she-Thai" banter.
Gue pun lanjut ngobrol dengan temen-temen gue soal situasi yang sedang gue hadapi ini. Gue bilang ke mereka gue bingung harus gimana. Dan, Laki, tentu saja, memberikan gue tips yang paling berguna.
"Dua-duanya aja Ror, kan two is better than one hahahahahahahah"
"Geblek hahahaha ya gak lah, gue nikung no no men, gue kan cowok baik"
"Baik apaan jing, lo kentut di mobil gue, mana baiknya"
Begitulah.
Gak cuma dua makhluk itu, gue juga tentu saja ngomong ke Dimas soal ini, dan dia untungnya memberi nasihat yang lebih bermutu.
"Hahaha ya jalanin aja dulu Ror, menurut gue lo gapapa sih suka sama orang lain, kan lo sama Agar juga gak ada status apa-apa".
Meskipun udah dikasih tau berkali-kali sama Dimas gitu, gue tetep aja tiap hari rasanya gak enak. This went on for the rest of the semester.
Time jump ke akhir semester, beberapa hari sebelum libur musim panas.
Di satu malam, di kota gue ada festival musim panas (natsu matsuri), yang juga barengan dengan kumpul bareng grup Habitat. Kedua acara tersebut lokasinya berdekatan, sama-sama deket stasiun kereta kota. Rencana awal gue adalah untuk ikutan kumpul bareng halfway, terus cabut ke festival. Kenapa? Karena gue dan Panadol udah janjian utnuk pergi bareng ke festival tersebut beberapa hari sebelumnya.
"Oh, you should come to the matsuri on Friday", kata si Panadol saat kita lagi makan bareng di cafeteria.
"Eh, there's a matsuri this Friday?", tanya gue.
"Yeeesss I might go there with my friends, you should if I come, come on, it'll be fun! You get to wear yukata and watch hanabi (fireworks)", si Pandol ngomong dengan antusias.
"Eeeh okay, but I don't have a yukata though, and you said might, so that means it's still a maybe, right?"
"Well you don't have to wear yukata, just wear normal clothes it's fine. Yeah, but it's like 90% chance I'll go"
"Yeaaaa okay, what time?"
"I still haven't decided yet actually HAHAH okay I'll text you on the day when I'm going"
"Hahahaha okay finee"
"So you'll come ya?"
"Yes, I will come"
"Yaaaayy okay, good good"
Kembali ke hari-h.
Gue lagi di kumpul bareng Habitat. Udah hampir jam 10 malem. Festival udah hampir selesai. Belom ada pesan dari Panadol.
Fak. This messed my whole plan up.
Now, yes, I did have a major plan in mind. You see, I do not like all this dilemma thing going on, gue jadi susah tidur gara-gara hal ini. Gak cuma itu, gue juga jadi sering overthinking yang bikin gue jadi sering bengong, jadi kayak gue pas SD/SMP dulu lagi. Hal ini cukup mengganggu hari gue, karena kadang kala gue bengong pas lagi boker, dan percayalah, hilang konsentrasi di atas toilet itu tidak enak. Itu tokai udah setengah ngintip, eits balik masuk gara-gara lupa ngeden. Sesi buang hajat yang harusnya bisa selesai dalam 5-10 menit (tanpa sembelit) bisa jadi sampe setengah jam.
Errr okay, so about my plan. I was just planning to lay out everything out on the table for Panadol. I figured that hey, it could go either way, so I have a 50-50 chance. Well, nggak juga sih, it's more like 95-5, 95 itu tentu saja hasil yang buruk (baca: dia merasa jijik dan teriak minta tolong dan gue dihakimi rakyat Beppu), dan 5 untuk hasil yang baik (baca: dia punya rasa yang sama terhadap gue dan kita pelukan di bawah cahaya redup lampion dan kembang api. Romantis). But yeah, karena gue gak dapet pesan dari Panadol, gue gak jadi ngelakuin hal tersebut and stayed until the gathering's over.
At this point, gue udah berusaha maklum aja, "ah paling dia ada urusan lain jadi gak jadi ke festival, kan dia juga bilang masih 'maybe', belom pasti", dan lanjut dengan kehidupan gue.
Jam udah menunjukkan pukul 11 malam, dan jam segitu bus udah gak ada yang jalan. Ya, bus di sini gak kayak bus di Jakarta yang jam nariknya sangat fleksibel. Untungnya, salah satu senior bawa mobil dan dia nawarin untuk nganter gue balik ke asrama. Perlu diketahui, saat itu gue juga udah dapet rumah, cuma belom selesai pindahan dan masa tinggal gue di asrama juga masih sisa dikit. But yeah, dia sedia nganter sampe asrama, jadi gue dengan senang hati menerima tawarannya.
Kita pun jalan ke tempat si senior parkir, tepatnya di belakang stasiun kereta. Jaraknya sekitar 10 menit jalan. Kita tembus lewat dalem stasiun, karena kalo muter jauh lah nyet.
And oh boy oh boy, guess who it is.
Panadol. Just there. In the station. With her friends.
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| Representasi akurat dari TKP |
Apakah gue sapa? Apakah gue dadah aja? Apa yang harus gue lakukan? Tuhan, tolong hamba.
Alas, our eyes met. Dan, reflek, kita langsung saling melambai dan akhirnya mendekati satu sama lain untuk ngobrol.
"Heyyyy where were you? I thought I told you to come", kata dia.
Eh?
"Hah? No you didn't, I don't know what you're talking about", jawab gue, bingung.
"Eh, I did, I texted you...didn't I?"
Lah, kok malah balik nanya, mana gue tau mbok.
"Wat...no you didn't, I didn't receive anything hahahaha"
"Eeeeh I diiiid, wait lemme check, I swear I texted you"
Entah kenapa gue curiga dia menderita amnesia ringan. Mungkin ini resiko dari temenan sama gue, bikin otak berhenti bekerja.
"Okay, wait, let me show you", she said, whilst scrolling through the chat list.
Gue nunggu sembari dia scroll atas bawah nyari nama gue.
"......so?"
"EH IT'S NOT HERE"
"Are you ok Panadol, did you bump your head or something? Hahahaha"
"Oh my goshhh I'm so sorry Roryy, I really thought I did text you, I swear, omygad what is wrong with me", dia mulai nyerocos tidak jelas.
"Hahahaha it's finee it's finee, I can always come next year", jawab gue kalem, padahal hati udah nyanyi How Could This Happen To Me-nya Simple Plan.
Seketika, udara jadi berasa canggung dan mencekik. Gue dengan segera ngomong dan memecahkan suasana itu.
"Soo how was it by the way? The festival"
"It was great, yeah, I wore my yukat-OH, here let me just show you the photos"
Dia pun nyodorin gue layar henfonnya yang dipenuhi berbagai foto dia dengan yukata dengan berbagai macam latar belakang. Toko takoyaki, lampion, dan lainnya.
"Oh woow that looks really nice", gue bereaksi seadanya.
"Yeah, it was"
"And where are you going now? This late at a train station hahaha"
"Oh I'm going to travel with my friends, outta town, because, yeah, summer"
"Ah I see...well, alright then, have fun! I gotta go now, don't wanna keep senior waiting here, cause he's taking me home so yeah hahah"
"Oh okay then, see you after summer, I guess?"
"Yeap, see you after summer!"
Dan lanjutlah gue jalan menuju mobil senior. Selama ngomong tadi sampe sekarang, cuma ada satu yang ada di pikiran gue:
FAK SHOULD I UNDERGO MY PLAN OR NAH? SHOULD I? SHOULD I NOT? MAIGAT WHY IS LIFE VERY DIFFICULT I DO NOT LIKE THIS ONE BIT.
Now I know, not doing it is probably the wiser decision to take. Tetapi, gue gak mau menghabiskan libur musim panas gue menduga-duga. Aduh bahasanya dangdut banget.
But yeah, you get the point. Di satu sisi, gue ngerti, timing, tempat, dan suasananya emang gak mendukung banget, tapi di sisi lain, gue udah pengen ngelepas ketidaktahuan gue perihal whether or not the feelings are mutual. Dan, gue juga gak mau kayak Kursi lagi, ngejar sampe 2 tahun eh akhirnya cuma dapet ampas.
Di saat gue ngejar Kursi, banyak hal yang gue pengen bilang face to face, but I pussied out karena gue gak berani. Karena takut gue bakal gagal. Tentu saja, penyesalan datang belakangan. I know it probably wouldn't help my situation with Kursi in any way, tapi seenggaknya ga ada lagi perasaan yang ngeganjel. Gue gak bakalan mikir-mikir "what if?" dan bisa lanjut hidup.
Gue pun terus menimbang-nimbang. Kalo gue balik ke stasiun, berarti gue kemungkinan besar harus jalan pulang, dan gue gak bisa pulang ke asrama, pulang ke rumah. Tapi kalo gue biarin kesempatan ini lewat, sepanjang liburan gue bakalan galau dan resah, gundah gulana tak berujung.
And so I've made up my mind. Yep. I'm about to make my life either more lively, or wreak havoc upon it. I'm going full on Estrella mode here. Just crash and burn and on to the next one.
Gue pun langsung pura-pura ngangkat henfon gue, belagak ngobrol sama temen gue lewat telfon.
"OH RILI MEN, YU IN BEPPU STESHEN TU? O SIT, OK LES GO BEK TUGEDER DEN YEA YEA I MIT YU IN FRON YE, OKE SI YU MEN"
Kita pun berhenti jalan dan senior gue nanya gue.
"What's wrong Rory?"
"Oh, it's nothing, err apparently my friend's around here, so I'm just gonna go home with him"
"Ah alright then, so are you sure you're okay? No need anything?"
"Yess, no problem, I'm good hahah, err yeah, ok see you!"
Dan gue ngibrit balik ke stasiun, berharap Panadol masih di sana.
Yap. Dia masih di sana. Gue berhenti untuk narik nafas and regain composure.
Jantung gue malah makin menjadi. Gue bisa ngerasain keringet dingin di tengkuk gue, dengan pelan jatuh ke punggung. Goodness me, what am I doing.
Gue pun tarik nafas panjang beberapa kali, mencoba untuk kelihatan santai, walaupun jantung berdetak layaknya berdisko kayak temen-temen gue pas perpisahan di Bali. Sangat liar.
Perlahan gue jalan menuju Panadol, masih mencoba terlihat kasual dan santai.
"Oh hey, you're still here? Train's not here yet?", tanya gue.
"Oh, you're still here too? Yeah, my train's not here yet. What happened to going back home with your senior?", jawab dia, jelas tampak sedikit kaget.
"Well, I there's a change of plan because apparently my friends are also arou-okay, errr, nevermind. Anyways, errr listen", kata gue, yang mulai kehilangan kesadaran.
"There's something that I've been trying to tell you"
And just like that, ekspresi wajah Panadol langsung berubah. Now she's extremely surprised.
"Errr okay sure.....what is it?", jawab dia sedikit terbata.
"W-well, I uh...truth be told, I...kinda have ahah f-feelings for you. I like you. Not as a friend...EH ERRRR"
ADUH GOBLOK, pikir gue. FAKFAKFAK, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT ABORT abORT HeLP.
"Ahahahaha eeuuuhhh I mean, I like you as a friend, in fact I like it too much, to the point where, you know, I feel like we can be something more"
"Hahahahah okay yeah, don't worry, I got your point"
Oke, lumayan, that'll do. That's a good damage control, Rory, that's decent.
"So...yeah...I was just wondering whether or not y-you're feeling the same way or not"
"Oh...okay...well", dia ngambil nafas sebentar.
"I feel so awkward ahahaha", kata dia.
Semprul.
"Ahahaha yeah.....I-I'm sorry", jawab gue.
"No no, it's fine. But yeah..."
Here it goes.
"I really like you too, but-"
Oh, yep, there it is. The but that brings nightmares to many men. Dari titik tersebut, gue udah tau ini ujungnya ke mana.
"I always see you as my junior, you know, you're so young and cheerful, and I just like being around you because you're fun to be around with. And yeah, I just hope that you can still be my friend because I really like having you around"
Huh, well, if there's anything good from that, at least that's the first "young and cheerful and fun to be around with" I've heard in a long time.
Gue pun menjawab,
"Ah hahaha okay...I see. Soo is that a strong maybee?"
Yeah...at this point I'm just pushing my luck.
"Well...as I said before, I really like having you around as a friend", jawab Panadol, kali ini dengan penekanan kuat di kata 'friend'.
"Ah right...okay then"
"So we're still cool right?", tanya dia, sembari ngangkat tangannya minta tos.
"Hahaha yess, of course we are", sahut gue sambil memberi high-five paling tidak antusias sepanjang hidup gue.
"Alright then, my friends are here, I'm gonna go now", kata gue, bohong.
"Okay then"
"See you. And have a nice trip"
"Hahah yes, thank you, and see you too"
And that's it.
Gue jalan keluar stasiun dengan perasaan yang campur-aduk. Gue tarik satu nafas panjang, pasang earphone, dan jalan pulang. I feel somewhat relieved, more than anything. Sedih ada, tapi gak terlalu nusuk. Gue pun langsung mencoba menghubungi temen deket gue, karena gue perlu sandaran hati ASAP. Gue mencoba menghubungi Laki, lagi keluar, Estrella, gak tau deh, kayaknya pesannya gak pernah nyampe sampe sekarang. Of course, it just has to be Dimas, isn't it. He's a legend, he truly is.
Gue spam LINE dia, dan minta untuk ngobrol lewat telfon. Tapi, entah dari mana, tiba-tiba ada telfon dari orang lain. Si Ungu. Kok timing-nya bisa pas gini, apa-apaan?
"Oi"
"Ror"
"Nape"
"How are you man, gue kangen"
"I'm good man, how are you? Iyani, gue juga kangen"
"Yea I'm good too man, so how's Japan?"
"Lumayan...oke oke ajalah. Gue pengen nanya satu hal, ini kenapa lu tiba-tiba nelfon ya?"
"Kan gue udah bilang, kangen Ror. Oh, and yeah, ini ada seseorang ama gue, mau ngobrol gak lu? Nih bentar ya, gue kasih telfonnya ke dia"
Eh? Lho lho, ada apa ini?
"Errr helo?", kata orang di seberang telefon.
"Errr hello...", jawab gue kebingungan itu siapa.
"Tau gak ini siapa Ror?"
".....no? Who this?"
"Ini Andi goblok"
"Oooooooh hey hahahaha what's up man"
Andi, untuk kalian yang belom baca post lama gue, adalah temen SMA gue.
So yeah, we talked very awkwardly for about 10 minutes. I say very awkwardly because it was very friggin awkward. Udah selesai itu urusan, gue telfon Dimas.
"Sori Dims, tadi ada temen tiba-tiba nelfon"
"Hahaha iya gapapa Ror. Kenapa tiba-tiba ngajak nelfon?"
"Errr well...I confessed to Panadol Dims"
"Wooooh terus?"
"Well, I don't know man, you tell me, do I sound like depression or the God of Happiness hahahaha"
We talked on and on, I gave him every single chronological detail, and yeah, all that stuff. Tapi ada satu hal paling penting yang gue tanya ke Dimas: how do I tell Agar about this.
"I know I have to tell her, but how Dims, gilak susah men"
"Hahaha ya lo bilang aja lah"
"Lu gampang ngomong doang nyet"
And after 2 hour talking and 5 km walking, I was home at last.
The next day, gue ngasih tau Agar soal Panadol. Setelah mikir panjang untuk merangkai kata-kata yang gak terlalu frontal tapi gak terlalu nutup diri juga, gue ngomong ke Agar. Dan reaksinya?
"Oh. Well, I kinda saw it coming sih sebenernya HAHA"
"Eh? You did? How?"
"Well, you're not the type of guy that always has girls around, so once you do have one, I had a feeling you were bound to have a crush on her"
. . . gue gak tau harus bilang apa.
But yeah, nothing really happened. She was okay with it, and we carried on being friends. However, now, we both kinda felt that it's completely fine if one of us gets a significant other which is not each other(?). You get the point lah ya.
Dia juga sempet punya gebetan dari sekolahnya, tapi cuma sebentar. Dan sekarang, gue udah suka sama orang lain lagi. So yeah. There's that for a chapter of my life. What a mess, I know.
Oh well, on to the next one then, let's carry on, shall we.
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