Butterflies
Now, basically, this is a post that I've written on my personal blog. If you were wondering why I own a personal blog, hey, look at yourselves, y'all have second private Instagram accounts for crying out loud. Some of y'all even have more than two.
But anyway, yeah, I wasn't planning on putting it up here because I feel like it was a tad bit too touchy and just all around not funny. It's basically a vent post, really, abis baper biasa lah, because I went through a day of sadness galore and my curhat buddy wasn't available, so I wrote them down instead. That being said, now, looking back, it had all the ingredients to be made into a spicy post. An out-of-my-league girl that I thought I've moved on from? Check. Bad decision making? Check. Me overthinking minor things leading to my inevitable mental breakdown? Oh ho ho,
Alright, hang tight guys.
Hari Jumat pagi. Dari awal minggu itu, gue udah bikin skenario di kepala gue. "Kalo nggak ketemu, ya gak usah nonton". Dari Senin sampai Kamis, gak ketemu. Jadilah, gue berencana untuk langsung pulang setelah selesai kelas di hari Jumat tersebut. Di hari itu, gue cuma ada dua kelas dari jam 8.45 pagi sampai jam 12.10 siang. Pikiran gue pagi itu udah loncat ke bagian di mana gue udah di rumah main Overwatch sampe buka puasa. Spoiler alert: I didn't play a single second of Overwatch that day.
---
Minggu tersebut juga bertepatan dengan Oceania Week, dan hari Jumat merupakan hari di mana grand show, puncak dari Oceania Week tadi, diadakan. Dari awal minggu, gue udah mikir-mikir, nonton gak ya? Acaranya dimulai jam 18.30, yang berarti gue harus nunggu kurang lebih 6 jam di kampus kalo gue mau nonton. Bisa aja sih pulang dulu dan nunggu di rumah terus sekitar jam 6 balik lagi ke kampus, tapi itu sangat tidak ekonomis. Dari faktor waktu aja udah bikin males.
Gak cuma itu, gue juga gak ada temen ataupun kenalan yang bakalan tampil di grand show tersebut.
Well, apart from this one person.
---
Kembali ke Jumat pagi, gue nyampe kampus 30 menit sebelum kelas dimulai. Kampus masih sepi, kelas juga belom dibuka. Di hari-hari biasa, gue bakalan ke kantin dan beli makan pagi. Sayangnya, ini lagi puasa, saya gak boleh makan. Jadilah gue cengok main hape nunggu di depan kelas, sambil nungguin temen.
As I was waiting, the number of things I can do on my phone started diminishing. Gue mulai celingak-celinguk, nyariin temen gue yang entah di mana keberadaannya. Gue mulai buka-tutup app tanpa tujuan yang jelas, terus balik celingukan, buka-tutup, celingukan, dan seterusnya sampe jadi pola yang nempel selama gue nunggu. Sampai pada saat gue sedang celingukan, looking around aimlessly at this point, I caught someone out of the corner of my eye. The person was roughly 10 meters away from me. The person was also giving me this weird but strangely familiar "now holon, is dat really you?" sorta look. You know, where you squint your eyes a little and pull your head back? Kegambar gak sih? I am bad at describing things for someone that's been writing for 6+ years.
At first, I didn't giver her the same squint-eyes-pull-head look back because I thought it wasn't someone I know and that the person was only looking at the general direction of where I was, but not at me. Gue kirain ada orang di belakang gue or stuff like that. But then if there was someone behind me that the person was looking at, there must've been some sort of reaction by now, biasanya kan kalo orang ada di situasi gitu bakal seenggaknya saling sapa. But nothing happened, and this person was still looking at me. After a good, I dunno, 10-15 seconds of pretending-to-look-for-my-friend-and-not-looking-at-where-the-person-was-but-still-keeping-him/her-within-my-peripheral, I decided to look at the person, just in case emang kenalan. Kalo bukan, and our eyes awkwardly meet, yaudah, just continue rotating my head and act like it didn't happen.
And so I looked.
And oh, boy.
Hooo boy, how do I even say it.
So, um...yeah. That happened.
And by the way, yes, that is my twitter handle, and no, don't bother giving it a follow. Stay on facebook and have fun with all your BuzzFeed videos and pointless quizzes, yeah?
Gilak, songong banget gue ya, sok eksis abis. Ge-ernya minta ampun.
Erhm, anyways, there she was. Kemari. Just there. After what felt like a long time, padahal cuma empat bulan gak ketemu. Still alive. Still her. And yes, still with a boyfriend. Still not interested in me romantically whatsoever. I, too, have been telling myself that I no longer hope to have anything but friendship with her. And yet,
I still get butterflies.
I then gave her the same look back, and we both gave a friendly smile and just waved at each other. And then, the why-did-I-think-this-was-a-good-idea of the day, I walked up to her.
"Eyyy", sapa gue, agak canggung.
"Heyy hisashiburi (long time no see)", balas si Kemari.
"Yeah, it's been a while"
Setelah itu, kami basa-basi seputar "how are you?", "how are your classes?", "what classes are you taking?", dan sebagainya. Sampai pada akhirnya, basa-basinya udah mulai habis. Untuk memperpanjang percakapan, hal pertama yang muncul di kepala gue langsung gue tanyain.
"Oh, by the way, are you gonna be performing for the grand show later on?", tanya gue.
"Yess, I'll be performing. It's literally the very last performance of the whole thing so yeah. You should come!", jawab kemari.
"Really? What time is the show, again?"
"I think it's around, like, 6.30pm"
Oke, as I've mentioned previously, this is the exact scenario that's been running through my mind all week long. Dan sekarang, di hari-H grand show-nya, setelah gue memutuskan untuk tidak nonton, eh kok ya malah nongol.
Jadi gue pun langsung menimbang ulang keputusan gue. Gue lihat pro dan kontra dari dua pilihan yang gue punya.
PILIHAN I: NONTON
PRO
> Bisa nonton Kemari manggung and with that, I can, potentially, maintain a good, continuous platonic relationship(yeah okay maybe i might've hoped for more but i knew it was a long shot and i don't even know why i still had the slightest hope to be honest, why am i like this please send help)
KONTRA
> Nunggu 6 jam di kampus
> It was an empty invitation, cuma sekadar formalitas and a way to keep the conversation going, so chances are she won't even notice or care whether or not I'll come
> Potential mental breakdown
> Nyampe rumah jam 9 malem
> Capek total
> Besoknya kerja dari pagi
> Tidak mandi sore, jadi gerah dan sedikit bau
> Gak ada temen yang ikut nonton
> Gak bisa main Overwatch
> Gak bisa nonton Yutup
PILIHAN II: TIDAK NONTON
PRO
> Bisa pulang ASAP
> Main Overwatch
> Tidur
> Santai di kamar
> Mandi sore
> Tidak kelelahan
> Nonton Yutup
> Besok paginya bisa kerja tanpa masalah
KONTRA
> Gak nonton Kemari tampil and potentially never seeing her ever again (sounds awful dramatic, but hey, let's just go with the worse case scenario)
Dari daftar pro-kontra di atas, gak usah ditanya lagi kan? Udah jelas banget gue pilih yang mana.
"Yeaaah, well, uuuh, hmm I mean...umm maybe I-I'll...come? I'll probably come. Most probably. Let's just see, I'll try my best. Actually, yeah, I'll come, sure, yeah, I'll come and watch".
...sigh. Why am I like this.
This isn't even a rhetorical question anymore, why am I like this, please someone answer me.
"Yess you totally should", tanggap si doi.
Karena merasa sangat canggung dan gue juga udah gak tau mau ngomongin apa lagi, gue pun langsung bilang "see you later" and all that dan masuk kelas, walaupun kelas baru bakal dimulai dalam 15 menit.
Jadilah, setelah semua kelas gue selesai, untungnya ada satu temen yang ada kelas pada pukul 5.55 sore, jadi kami pun mutar-muter kampus bareng, ngobrol-ngobrol and whatnot. Sayangnya, sekitar jam 3 sore, laziness kicked in and he went home. Jadilah, tiga setengah jam menunggu sendiri. Gue akhirnya nunggu di perpustakaan, baca buku, nonton yutup, dan tidur.
Selama gue nunggu pertunjukannya dimulai, keinginan pulang tentu saja datang mampir. See, the thing is, I was fully aware that her invitation was just an, what's the word now, empty gesture? Bener gak sih itu? My vocab is balls. English is not my first language. It is very difficult language yes.
It's like one of those things that you just have to say because of the given situation, you know, as a formality, I guess? She didn't actually want or expect me to come and watch. My decision won't affect her in any way imaginable, even though I said that I'd watch.
But, I dunno. I said I'd come and watch, so come and watch I shall.
A bit hypocritical coming from someone that's basically cock and bull personified, buut hey, I'm trying my best to change that, thank you very much.
Woh, okay, my goodness gracious, we went on one mad tangent there, excuse me. Right, enough self-loathing and on with the story.
What I was trying to say is, I had thoughts about going home, but I didn't do it. I stayed for the show. Aaand so, after what felt like forever, the show's finally starting. Gue tadinya mau dateng agak ngepas-ngepas, because last year, Oceania Week was actually one of the least popular week out of all the cultural weeks. Indonesian Week is one of, if not, the best lah tentunya. But yeah, gue tadinya mau dateng jam 6.25 or something like that soalnya gue kirain gak bakalan ngantri.
Gue salah.
Untungnya, gue dateng lebih awal dari yang gue rencanain, jadi masih bisa masuk dan dapet tempat duduk. Gak cuma itu, untungnya lagi, ada satu temen Indonesia seangkatan gue yang juga nonton, jadi gak terlalu cengok lah. Melihat gue yang dateng sendiri, dia pun nanya ke gue,
"Sendiri aja lo?"
"Iya nih", jawab gue.
"Lah, itu temen-temen serumah lo?"
"Yeilah, ke kelas aja jarang-jarang, dateng ke ginian lagi"
"Lol (yes, she actually said lol instead of actually laughing), kok parah bet sih. Lah terus, emang lo ada temen yang bakal manggung?"
"Errrr iya, ada kok, satu. Kalo lo?"
"Gue sih nemenin ini temen deket gue. Eh, siapa emang temen lo ini?"
"Ada itu, cewek dari Hawaii, temen dulu kelas Japanese Intermediate"
"Ooooh yang chinese-chinese gitu bukan sih? Kayaknya gue kenal deh"
"I-iya, bener, yang matanya sip-"
"Deket?"
"Eh, a-apa?" Gue ditanya begitu entah kenapa panik.
"Temen lo ini temen deket?", tanya si temen gue lagi.
"Euuuuuhhh yaaaa....bisa dibilang begitu"
"Suka ya?"
Fak. Ketauan. Gue pun pasrah.
"....iya gitudeh"
"HAHAHA jelas banget sih, I mean gila aja lo bela-belain nunggu sampe jam segini buat nonton"
"Yeah...okay fair point"
Sooo...yep, there's that.
The show started and needless to say, it was a good one. However, I wasn't exactly there for the show, so my feelings of appreciation and admiration are overshadowed by this whatever this butterfly-inducing feeling is. Perut gue dugem, gue keringet dingin sepanjang pertunjukan, padahal gue cuma jadi penonton, tampil aja kagak.
Tapi, setelah dipikir lagi, itu kemungkinan besar disebabkan oleh dehidrasi kronis karena puasa. Entahlah.
After a series of acts and dances, the show's finally coming to an end. I was on the edge of my seat. Mata gue udah pedes, capek dan ngantuk minta ampun. Gue juga laper karena gue cuma buka pake satu bar Snickers dan satu cheesecake, tapi akhirnya, kalo tebakan gue bener, ini merupakan penampilan terakhir di pertunjukkan ini.
Setelah para aktor keluar panggung, lampu panggung dipadamkan, tirai ditutup, masuk intermission. Terdengar suara backstage crew mengeluar-masukkan prop. Setelah selang beberapa detik, tirai kembali dibuka. Lampu pun dinyalakan, menampakkan satu penari perempuan di tengah panggung. Bukan Kemari. Musik pun mulai dimainkan. Muncullah dua lagi penari perempuan dari masing-masing sisi panggung.
And
Fuck.
Fuck.
Gue serasa mau meledak. Kepala gue terasa kosong. Waktu seakan berhenti. Selama dia nari di atas panggung, gue berhenti ngedip dan nafas. It was like one of my "zoning out" moments, but on steroids. Plus, when I "zone out", it's all the work of my brain, but this? My brain couldn't even process it. I have not felt anything like this in a while. And gosh darn it, I almost forgot just how much I hate whatever "this" is.
It was spellbinding, to say the least. Luckily (or unlickily?), when I was in this state of semi-unconsciousness, my friend tapped me on my arm and said,
"Yang itu ya, Ror?" sambil nunjuk ke Kemari.
"Heeh", jawab gue, yang kembali ingat untuk ambil nafas dan mengedipkan mata.
Terpecah dari pesona, gue menonton sisa dari penampilan Kemari dengan rasa kekaguman yang lebih rasional dan tidak mengancam kesehatan. But I do remember smiling like an idiot. And I also clapped extra loud.
Setelah pertunjukan selesai, para penonton dan pemain saling bertemu di lobi tempat pertunjukan untuk tukar "selamat" dan "terimakasih", ngobrol-ngobrol, dan tentu saja foto-foto. I wanted to do the same with Kemari. Lobi tersebut berubah jadi lautan manusia yang saling peluk-pelukan dan foto selfie. Gue berdiri agak menjauh dari kerusuhan tersebut, sambil jinjit-jinjit nyariin Kemari. Gue tunggu beberapa menit, sampai pada akhirnya dia muncul dari pintu keluar backstage, across from where I was. Karena trauma pengalaman desak-desakandigrepe di busway rebutan sembako, gue tunggu dia sampai lumayan dekat dari tempat gue berdiri. As she walked among the crowd, she didn't look like she was looking for someone in particular, so she was just kinda following her sister around and standing behind her. When she was just standing there while her sister was talking with a bunch of people, I walked up to her.
"Heyyy congratulations! You did great!", kata gue sungguh-sungguh.
"Ahah thank youu"
Udah. Gitu doang.
She then walked past me, looking around for someone. Or trying to look like it, at least. I dunno. Hard to tell.
My mood turned 180 in a snap of a finger. I felt bummed out completely. My exhaustion felt like it was doubled, satu hal yang ada di pikiran gue saat itu hanyalah kasur gue yang nyaman. Pikiran gue kembali mengawang, kosong.
Tadinya, gue mau balik dengan temen gue dan temen deketnya, tapi gue bener-bener cuma pengen tidur dan menyudahi hari itu, jadi gue cabut duluan. Sepanjang perjalanan pulang, gue gak habis pikir; kenapa gue ngerasa kayak gini?
Tentu saja, gue tau alasannya. I still kinda like her. Alright, maybe not kinda, I still like her a lot. But why do I still like her? Dia udah punya cowok, dari situ aja harusnya udah jadi palang penutup buat gue. Tapi tetep aja gue nekat nyeberang. And this? This is like being t-boned by an oncoming freight train.
Sesampainya di rumah, gue langsung mencoba menghubungi Dimas untuk sandaran hati. Begitulah risiko jadi sahabat gue selama 7 tahun. Yap, all the feelings are finally catching up and kicking in, and I needed to pour it out. Sialnya, si Dimas hari itu nginep di rumah temennya dan lupa bawa charger henfon. Anak muda macam apa ini orang, jaman gini masih bisa lupa bawa charger?
Alhasil, gue pun lari ke blog personal gue dan gue tulis deh tuh semua-muanya. All the overly dramatic words I avoid using here, I've written down over there. You thought this blog is a mess, oh boy, you'd be surprised.
To sum it all up, there's no one else to blame but me. But I'm kinda tired of constantly blaming myself and end up self-loathing all the time, even though most of the time those accusations are true. I'm not gonna throw myself another pity party here, that's gonna be a big no no. Diliat pesan moral yang bagusnya aja lah sekali-sekali.
Jadi yaa dari pengalaman ini, gue ambil positifnya aja. Gue juga gak nyesel kok udah dateng dan nonton pertunjukan si Kemari. This will sound cheesier than mozzarella, percayalah, gue juga nahan muntah dan be'ol nulis ini, but
I think it doesn't matter whether or not people acknowledge you for being there for them. What matters is that, well
You were there for them.
At least that's how I feel.
p.s. I am well aware of it being a verbose and ill structured sentence, so don't quote me on that.
Hari Jumat pagi. Dari awal minggu itu, gue udah bikin skenario di kepala gue. "Kalo nggak ketemu, ya gak usah nonton". Dari Senin sampai Kamis, gak ketemu. Jadilah, gue berencana untuk langsung pulang setelah selesai kelas di hari Jumat tersebut. Di hari itu, gue cuma ada dua kelas dari jam 8.45 pagi sampai jam 12.10 siang. Pikiran gue pagi itu udah loncat ke bagian di mana gue udah di rumah main Overwatch sampe buka puasa. Spoiler alert: I didn't play a single second of Overwatch that day.
---
Minggu tersebut juga bertepatan dengan Oceania Week, dan hari Jumat merupakan hari di mana grand show, puncak dari Oceania Week tadi, diadakan. Dari awal minggu, gue udah mikir-mikir, nonton gak ya? Acaranya dimulai jam 18.30, yang berarti gue harus nunggu kurang lebih 6 jam di kampus kalo gue mau nonton. Bisa aja sih pulang dulu dan nunggu di rumah terus sekitar jam 6 balik lagi ke kampus, tapi itu sangat tidak ekonomis. Dari faktor waktu aja udah bikin males.
Gak cuma itu, gue juga gak ada temen ataupun kenalan yang bakalan tampil di grand show tersebut.
Well, apart from this one person.
---
Kembali ke Jumat pagi, gue nyampe kampus 30 menit sebelum kelas dimulai. Kampus masih sepi, kelas juga belom dibuka. Di hari-hari biasa, gue bakalan ke kantin dan beli makan pagi. Sayangnya, ini lagi puasa, saya gak boleh makan. Jadilah gue cengok main hape nunggu di depan kelas, sambil nungguin temen.
As I was waiting, the number of things I can do on my phone started diminishing. Gue mulai celingak-celinguk, nyariin temen gue yang entah di mana keberadaannya. Gue mulai buka-tutup app tanpa tujuan yang jelas, terus balik celingukan, buka-tutup, celingukan, dan seterusnya sampe jadi pola yang nempel selama gue nunggu. Sampai pada saat gue sedang celingukan, looking around aimlessly at this point, I caught someone out of the corner of my eye. The person was roughly 10 meters away from me. The person was also giving me this weird but strangely familiar "now holon, is dat really you?" sorta look. You know, where you squint your eyes a little and pull your head back? Kegambar gak sih? I am bad at describing things for someone that's been writing for 6+ years.
At first, I didn't giver her the same squint-eyes-pull-head look back because I thought it wasn't someone I know and that the person was only looking at the general direction of where I was, but not at me. Gue kirain ada orang di belakang gue or stuff like that. But then if there was someone behind me that the person was looking at, there must've been some sort of reaction by now, biasanya kan kalo orang ada di situasi gitu bakal seenggaknya saling sapa. But nothing happened, and this person was still looking at me. After a good, I dunno, 10-15 seconds of pretending-to-look-for-my-friend-and-not-looking-at-where-the-person-was-but-still-keeping-him/her-within-my-peripheral, I decided to look at the person, just in case emang kenalan. Kalo bukan, and our eyes awkwardly meet, yaudah, just continue rotating my head and act like it didn't happen.
And so I looked.
And oh, boy.
Hooo boy, how do I even say it.
So, um...yeah. That happened.
And by the way, yes, that is my twitter handle, and no, don't bother giving it a follow. Stay on facebook and have fun with all your BuzzFeed videos and pointless quizzes, yeah?
Gilak, songong banget gue ya, sok eksis abis. Ge-ernya minta ampun.
Erhm, anyways, there she was. Kemari. Just there. After what felt like a long time, padahal cuma empat bulan gak ketemu. Still alive. Still her. And yes, still with a boyfriend. Still not interested in me romantically whatsoever. I, too, have been telling myself that I no longer hope to have anything but friendship with her. And yet,
I still get butterflies.
I then gave her the same look back, and we both gave a friendly smile and just waved at each other. And then, the why-did-I-think-this-was-a-good-idea of the day, I walked up to her.
"Eyyy", sapa gue, agak canggung.
"Heyy hisashiburi (long time no see)", balas si Kemari.
"Yeah, it's been a while"
Setelah itu, kami basa-basi seputar "how are you?", "how are your classes?", "what classes are you taking?", dan sebagainya. Sampai pada akhirnya, basa-basinya udah mulai habis. Untuk memperpanjang percakapan, hal pertama yang muncul di kepala gue langsung gue tanyain.
"Oh, by the way, are you gonna be performing for the grand show later on?", tanya gue.
"Yess, I'll be performing. It's literally the very last performance of the whole thing so yeah. You should come!", jawab kemari.
"Really? What time is the show, again?"
"I think it's around, like, 6.30pm"
Oke, as I've mentioned previously, this is the exact scenario that's been running through my mind all week long. Dan sekarang, di hari-H grand show-nya, setelah gue memutuskan untuk tidak nonton, eh kok ya malah nongol.
Jadi gue pun langsung menimbang ulang keputusan gue. Gue lihat pro dan kontra dari dua pilihan yang gue punya.
PILIHAN I: NONTON
PRO
> Bisa nonton Kemari manggung and with that, I can, potentially, maintain a good, continuous platonic relationship
KONTRA
> Nunggu 6 jam di kampus
> It was an empty invitation, cuma sekadar formalitas and a way to keep the conversation going, so chances are she won't even notice or care whether or not I'll come
> Potential mental breakdown
> Nyampe rumah jam 9 malem
> Capek total
> Besoknya kerja dari pagi
> Tidak mandi sore, jadi gerah dan sedikit bau
> Gak ada temen yang ikut nonton
> Gak bisa main Overwatch
> Gak bisa nonton Yutup
PILIHAN II: TIDAK NONTON
PRO
> Bisa pulang ASAP
> Main Overwatch
> Tidur
> Santai di kamar
> Mandi sore
> Tidak kelelahan
> Nonton Yutup
> Besok paginya bisa kerja tanpa masalah
KONTRA
> Gak nonton Kemari tampil and potentially never seeing her ever again (sounds awful dramatic, but hey, let's just go with the worse case scenario)
Dari daftar pro-kontra di atas, gak usah ditanya lagi kan? Udah jelas banget gue pilih yang mana.
"Yeaaah, well, uuuh, hmm I mean...umm maybe I-I'll...come? I'll probably come. Most probably. Let's just see, I'll try my best. Actually, yeah, I'll come, sure, yeah, I'll come and watch".
...sigh. Why am I like this.
This isn't even a rhetorical question anymore, why am I like this, please someone answer me.
"Yess you totally should", tanggap si doi.
Karena merasa sangat canggung dan gue juga udah gak tau mau ngomongin apa lagi, gue pun langsung bilang "see you later" and all that dan masuk kelas, walaupun kelas baru bakal dimulai dalam 15 menit.
Jadilah, setelah semua kelas gue selesai, untungnya ada satu temen yang ada kelas pada pukul 5.55 sore, jadi kami pun mutar-muter kampus bareng, ngobrol-ngobrol and whatnot. Sayangnya, sekitar jam 3 sore, laziness kicked in and he went home. Jadilah, tiga setengah jam menunggu sendiri. Gue akhirnya nunggu di perpustakaan, baca buku, nonton yutup, dan tidur.
Selama gue nunggu pertunjukannya dimulai, keinginan pulang tentu saja datang mampir. See, the thing is, I was fully aware that her invitation was just an, what's the word now, empty gesture? Bener gak sih itu? My vocab is balls. English is not my first language. It is very difficult language yes.
It's like one of those things that you just have to say because of the given situation, you know, as a formality, I guess? She didn't actually want or expect me to come and watch. My decision won't affect her in any way imaginable, even though I said that I'd watch.
But, I dunno. I said I'd come and watch, so come and watch I shall.
A bit hypocritical coming from someone that's basically cock and bull personified, buut hey, I'm trying my best to change that, thank you very much.
Woh, okay, my goodness gracious, we went on one mad tangent there, excuse me. Right, enough self-loathing and on with the story.
What I was trying to say is, I had thoughts about going home, but I didn't do it. I stayed for the show. Aaand so, after what felt like forever, the show's finally starting. Gue tadinya mau dateng agak ngepas-ngepas, because last year, Oceania Week was actually one of the least popular week out of all the cultural weeks. Indonesian Week is one of, if not, the best lah tentunya. But yeah, gue tadinya mau dateng jam 6.25 or something like that soalnya gue kirain gak bakalan ngantri.
Gue salah.
Untungnya, gue dateng lebih awal dari yang gue rencanain, jadi masih bisa masuk dan dapet tempat duduk. Gak cuma itu, untungnya lagi, ada satu temen Indonesia seangkatan gue yang juga nonton, jadi gak terlalu cengok lah. Melihat gue yang dateng sendiri, dia pun nanya ke gue,
"Sendiri aja lo?"
"Iya nih", jawab gue.
"Lah, itu temen-temen serumah lo?"
"Yeilah, ke kelas aja jarang-jarang, dateng ke ginian lagi"
"Lol (yes, she actually said lol instead of actually laughing), kok parah bet sih. Lah terus, emang lo ada temen yang bakal manggung?"
"Errrr iya, ada kok, satu. Kalo lo?"
"Gue sih nemenin ini temen deket gue. Eh, siapa emang temen lo ini?"
"Ada itu, cewek dari Hawaii, temen dulu kelas Japanese Intermediate"
"Ooooh yang chinese-chinese gitu bukan sih? Kayaknya gue kenal deh"
"I-iya, bener, yang matanya sip-"
"Deket?"
"Eh, a-apa?" Gue ditanya begitu entah kenapa panik.
"Temen lo ini temen deket?", tanya si temen gue lagi.
"Euuuuuhhh yaaaa....bisa dibilang begitu"
"Suka ya?"
Fak. Ketauan. Gue pun pasrah.
"....iya gitudeh"
"HAHAHA jelas banget sih, I mean gila aja lo bela-belain nunggu sampe jam segini buat nonton"
"Yeah...okay fair point"
Sooo...yep, there's that.
The show started and needless to say, it was a good one. However, I wasn't exactly there for the show, so my feelings of appreciation and admiration are overshadowed by this whatever this butterfly-inducing feeling is. Perut gue dugem, gue keringet dingin sepanjang pertunjukan, padahal gue cuma jadi penonton, tampil aja kagak.
Tapi, setelah dipikir lagi, itu kemungkinan besar disebabkan oleh dehidrasi kronis karena puasa. Entahlah.
After a series of acts and dances, the show's finally coming to an end. I was on the edge of my seat. Mata gue udah pedes, capek dan ngantuk minta ampun. Gue juga laper karena gue cuma buka pake satu bar Snickers dan satu cheesecake, tapi akhirnya, kalo tebakan gue bener, ini merupakan penampilan terakhir di pertunjukkan ini.
Setelah para aktor keluar panggung, lampu panggung dipadamkan, tirai ditutup, masuk intermission. Terdengar suara backstage crew mengeluar-masukkan prop. Setelah selang beberapa detik, tirai kembali dibuka. Lampu pun dinyalakan, menampakkan satu penari perempuan di tengah panggung. Bukan Kemari. Musik pun mulai dimainkan. Muncullah dua lagi penari perempuan dari masing-masing sisi panggung.
And
Fuck.
Fuck.
Gue serasa mau meledak. Kepala gue terasa kosong. Waktu seakan berhenti. Selama dia nari di atas panggung, gue berhenti ngedip dan nafas. It was like one of my "zoning out" moments, but on steroids. Plus, when I "zone out", it's all the work of my brain, but this? My brain couldn't even process it. I have not felt anything like this in a while. And gosh darn it, I almost forgot just how much I hate whatever "this" is.
It was spellbinding, to say the least. Luckily (or unlickily?), when I was in this state of semi-unconsciousness, my friend tapped me on my arm and said,
"Yang itu ya, Ror?" sambil nunjuk ke Kemari.
"Heeh", jawab gue, yang kembali ingat untuk ambil nafas dan mengedipkan mata.
Terpecah dari pesona, gue menonton sisa dari penampilan Kemari dengan rasa kekaguman yang lebih rasional dan tidak mengancam kesehatan. But I do remember smiling like an idiot. And I also clapped extra loud.
Setelah pertunjukan selesai, para penonton dan pemain saling bertemu di lobi tempat pertunjukan untuk tukar "selamat" dan "terimakasih", ngobrol-ngobrol, dan tentu saja foto-foto. I wanted to do the same with Kemari. Lobi tersebut berubah jadi lautan manusia yang saling peluk-pelukan dan foto selfie. Gue berdiri agak menjauh dari kerusuhan tersebut, sambil jinjit-jinjit nyariin Kemari. Gue tunggu beberapa menit, sampai pada akhirnya dia muncul dari pintu keluar backstage, across from where I was. Karena trauma pengalaman desak-desakan
"Heyyy congratulations! You did great!", kata gue sungguh-sungguh.
"Ahah thank youu"
Udah. Gitu doang.
She then walked past me, looking around for someone. Or trying to look like it, at least. I dunno. Hard to tell.
My mood turned 180 in a snap of a finger. I felt bummed out completely. My exhaustion felt like it was doubled, satu hal yang ada di pikiran gue saat itu hanyalah kasur gue yang nyaman. Pikiran gue kembali mengawang, kosong.
Tadinya, gue mau balik dengan temen gue dan temen deketnya, tapi gue bener-bener cuma pengen tidur dan menyudahi hari itu, jadi gue cabut duluan. Sepanjang perjalanan pulang, gue gak habis pikir; kenapa gue ngerasa kayak gini?
Tentu saja, gue tau alasannya. I still kinda like her. Alright, maybe not kinda, I still like her a lot. But why do I still like her? Dia udah punya cowok, dari situ aja harusnya udah jadi palang penutup buat gue. Tapi tetep aja gue nekat nyeberang. And this? This is like being t-boned by an oncoming freight train.
Sesampainya di rumah, gue langsung mencoba menghubungi Dimas untuk sandaran hati. Begitulah risiko jadi sahabat gue selama 7 tahun. Yap, all the feelings are finally catching up and kicking in, and I needed to pour it out. Sialnya, si Dimas hari itu nginep di rumah temennya dan lupa bawa charger henfon. Anak muda macam apa ini orang, jaman gini masih bisa lupa bawa charger?
Alhasil, gue pun lari ke blog personal gue dan gue tulis deh tuh semua-muanya. All the overly dramatic words I avoid using here, I've written down over there. You thought this blog is a mess, oh boy, you'd be surprised.
To sum it all up, there's no one else to blame but me. But I'm kinda tired of constantly blaming myself and end up self-loathing all the time, even though most of the time those accusations are true. I'm not gonna throw myself another pity party here, that's gonna be a big no no. Diliat pesan moral yang bagusnya aja lah sekali-sekali.
Jadi yaa dari pengalaman ini, gue ambil positifnya aja. Gue juga gak nyesel kok udah dateng dan nonton pertunjukan si Kemari. This will sound cheesier than mozzarella, percayalah, gue juga nahan muntah dan be'ol nulis ini, but
I think it doesn't matter whether or not people acknowledge you for being there for them. What matters is that, well
You were there for them.
At least that's how I feel.
p.s. I am well aware of it being a verbose and ill structured sentence, so don't quote me on that.
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