Fondness for a Friend
"Di dunia ini nggak mungkin ada dua orang,
cowok & cewek bisa berteman dekat
kalau salah satu dari mereka nggak ada yang naksir.
Di antara sahabatan kayak gini,
pasti ada yang naksir
..., karena salah satu suka, satu nggak suka
tapi nggak pengin kehilangan"
- Raditya Dika, Ubur-Ubur Lembur
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"I'm going to bed now ya. Goodnighttt my Rowrow"
... eerrrrr... rrrright. This is a bit, uh...
... odd.
To say the least.
Is this a common thing in a lot of friendships? Claiming possession of the other person and calling them by a rather unusual pet name?
Probably a girl kinda thing, isn't it? Yeah, definitely a girl kinda thing.
"I much prefer 'R o r y', but yes, goodnight."
Haven't had anyone call me by such an unusual nickname in a long time. Hell, I don't think anyone's ever done it, to be honest. It's such a weird thing, not for the nickname itself—nauseating as it is—but because it's coming from someone that I've only known for a relatively short period of time. Though the list of people I "know well and have so for a long time" isn't exactly a long one, hardly any of them ever call me other than my actual nickname. Well, at times with a slur. Out of jest, of course, but you know, nothing close to the likes of Rowrow.
To be fair, if my close friends, who are as straight as men go, started calling me by such a OwO-ass name, I'd file a restraining order on them.
Cylona had always been chummy, from day one I daresay. Unfamiliar with having a female acquaintance as of late, this exponential increase in chummy-ness seemed somewhat natural to me. I shrugged it off as something that perhaps girls do on a regular basis within their friendships, and nothing more.
We both came to know each other back in the spring of 2019. She was one of the people I matched with on that god forsaken app T*nder. The main profile photo she put up was one of herself. She looked very Indonesian, I thought to myself upon seeing her.
Long, reddish-brown dyed hair hanging loose over her shoulders. Her head slightly tilted, a pair of somber eyes gazing the camera, straight into anyone stumbling upon her profile. With a slightly open mouth and her prominent, sharp chin, similar to that of my proxy-crush-back-in-middle-school’s, held between the thumb and the index finger of her right hand, you can almost tell she's at least mildly photogenic. The way I’m describing it kok tapi kayaknya malah kayak orang teler gini sih. Tapi ngerti kan, you’ve seen girls’ selfies, kebayang lah ya.
I don’t know how to explain this exactly, but she had the looks of someone that likes to talk... a lot. Whether it’s a good thing or bad, I didn’t know just yet, plus my intuition’s not exactly the sharpest, so I could be wrong. It was solely based off of years of judging by the cover that had accumulated and transformed into a bad habit. Or perhaps, a mere defensive mechanism?
After we matched, I was debating whether or not I should start a conversation. She didn’t look like a catfish, nor did she seem to lack personality. When you had had an annual tradition of perusing numerous profiles on an online “dating” app for four years, you, too, would get a knack for seeing through the mud. Her music taste, however, is a bit off-putting. The song she put as her “anthem” was a Latin hip-hop song by an artist I’m not quite familiar with.
But you know me, I went for it anyway. It’s a gamble I couldn’t lose, worst comes to worst they hit me with that “sori, gak sengaja swipe kanan”. Which, surprisingly, has actually never happened before.
"Hey, could you recommend me some good coffee shops? I've been away for some time, haven't really gone around much to know which place's worth visiting", and send.
Her bio mentioned something about liking coffee or going to cafes or something like that. Not an avid coffee drinker myself, but she didn't know that.
"Cafe atau coffe shop nih? Hahaha"
Woh. That was a rather speedy reply.
“Err emang ada bedanya ya? I dunno, apa aja boleh deh hahah”, I texted back, almost as speedy.
“Well there’s this one place I reaaally like in Bintaro...”
And just like that, the snowball was rolling down the hill.
She told me her name, I told her mine, and from that point we made room for more small talk and chitchats what have you. About ourselves, about Jakarta, and other stuff you talk about to strangers online.
She was 18, fresh out of high school and was taking a gap year. She worked part-time as an apprentice dentist while fortifying her plans for further studies, which university to go to and what major to study and all that. She was able to speak English, though from what I could tell, it wasn’t her go-to language. Hardly surprising, but her constant effort in using it as much as possible I found admirable. A bold one coming from someone who barely passed English as a Second Language, but such is my forte.
Making baseless, bold claims, I mean, not English. Englis onli speek litel litel yes?
The conversation went on, there were hardly any long gaps in between replies. In the off chance of one, the momentum pretty much picked up almost instantly as if the chat never came to a halt. As I had predicted, she enjoyed talking, even to strangers she met online, which means all I had to do was occasionally ask follow up questions and listen intently.
We had a day’s (maybe even two, I forgot) worth of good conversation, and I felt like she was gonna be another one that’s gonna go beyond T*nder. Soon, she’ll ask for my other socials, and I was more than obliged to do so. I, on the other hand, much prefer taking the backseat when it comes to this, this "going out of the app" decision, as I always have been. Not that I’ve never been the one to ask, but fear of rejection has nullified my urge to get to know someone better.
And my intuition was correct.
As we were conversing, she brought up the topic of exchanging phone numbers. At the time she sent the message, which was around midday, I was out and about, probably driving my dear mom from one place to another and only came around to check my phone late in the afternoon. There it was, three bars of notification on my lock screen. All from the same app. All from the same person.
"Hey, I was thinking maybe we should exchange numbers?"
"As much as I like T*nder, we can't really do much but text"
"But if you prefer it that way, I don't mind too. Just a suggestion :)"
There it is. Though this wasn't my first rodeo, the idea of giving my phone number to a stranger I met through a "dating" app is still mind boggling. Saying that, I always did it anyways so what am I even talking about. However, upon tapping the notification and going into the app, it directed me to an empty chat room. I backed out from the chat, only to find her profile had gone from my “matches” list. Huh. Did she ”unmatch” me? Did I take too long to reply? Did she delete her account altogether? Possible, but it is kinda weird since she was into the convo more than I do. Maybe there was a glitch? This stinky app do be gettin’ kinda buggy at times, so that wasn’t out of the question as well. Oh well, so it goes, I says.
Or so I thought. Curiosity crept rather slowly, but it bested me all the same. She didn’t seem like the type to just go poof, so I set out to find her via Instagram. Listen, I had a lot of free time, and not many people to spend it with, so any prospect of friendship was nothing short of swell. I only knew her first name, Cylona, so I typed it down in the search bar. Plenty of accounts popped up, but it took less than three minutes to find one that was hers. Luckily, her profile picture was the same as one of her T*nder photos, identification was as easy as catching a Combee.
So I followed her.
Before long, she followed me back, and we were talking again. Turned out, she didn't unmatch, it was a loose wire from the app that caused all that hootenannies. After straightening things up, we decided that Instagram wasn’t the prime location for chatting purposes and finally exchanged phone numbers.
After that, we just... picked up where we left off. We talked. Like. Every day. And with each passing day, she becomes all the more talkative and surprisingly open, especially when talking about her past (and present) romantic encounters.
She expressed how much she adored cats, how many she had, and how her parents are pretty much the opposite. But our talk went beyond cats, as she talked about back in high school, a lot of boys gave her the "PHP" label (PHP = "Pemberi Harapan Palsu", which literally translates to Giver of False Hope), karena sikapnya yang happy go lucky dan super casual, borderline flirty. Dan namanya juga cowok-cowok, diajak ngomong pake "aku kamu" aja bisa langsung gelagapan mulut berbusa (spesimen utama: Aurorus azharafiriantis, teenage phase). Akibatnya, keramahan Cylona sering dianggap sebagai tanda suka dan banyak cowok-cowok yang salah tangkap.
Her stories subsequently veered to one of her most recent almost-boyfriend, that left her out of the blue. She continued to one of her exes, a Latino American serving in the army, who still occasionally hit her up whenever he's in his feelings, even though he's already in a new relationship. She also told me about her senior at the dentist where she was working part-time, how he's "extra" friendly towards her and that she didn't know what to do. You know, the typical problem, kinda wanna but not really? Yeah well, she's that, personified. I finally get a glimpse of what Carly Rae Jepsen was trying to say in the song Girl Problems from her third studio album back in 2015, Emotion.
Great album, by the way, and ooo nelly, all the fond memories attached to it.
Erhm, anyhoo, I'll admit, it was pretty one sided but neither of us really cared. Of course, from time to time she would ask me things about myself, from the more generic, chitchatty ones, to more personal ones. Including, but not limited to, the flowery, oh, so celebrated L-word life.
I told her about my past relationship, though only a general overview of it. "It was back in high school, nothing to it, only lasted a year or so", along those lines. I claimed to have "forgotten" the details, and surprisingly that reasoning seemed good enough to stop her from prying. The story went on with Agar, how we were a word away from being a thing, but we didn't take the leap, and now we're practically two worlds apart. To tie it up, I simply mentioned that it had been a series of crash and burns ever since.
Semakin hari, semakin banyak kami saling bercerita, dan pertemanan antara kami berdua juga terasa... aneh? Setidaknya untuk gue, karena selain Agar, gue tidak pernah punya temen online yang sampe sedeket ini. Dan di kasus Agar, we were close, but it was only after we confessed our mutual feelings, we became super close and open, ini si Cylona kok bisa-bisanya terbuka banget sama gue, and only as friends? Not only texts, as days go by dia juga jadi sering mengirim foto beragam macamnya, most of them being selfies and her cats. Literal cats, by the way, like the one you keep as pets, yeah? Shame on you, you sinful, dirty-minded creatures.
Lama kelamaan, dia juga sering minta gue selfie, dan gue iyakan, tapi setengah hati, and every time I send my photos her way, selalu dia respon dengan pujian-pujian yang gue rasa sangat janggal. The compliments themselves are pretty straightforward, you know, things along the lines of "looking good", tapi justru itu yang bikin aneh. Are her eyes okay? Is she being sarcastic? Dude, even Agar didn't say these kinda things.
Fast forward to the last few weeks of my spring break. Though I was beginning to question the platonic nature of this friendship due to her constant shower of compliments, squishy mushy nicknames, and heart emojis, I didn't assume there's anything more. She talked a lot about other guys, including her crush at the time, which to me read like a signal that says "this is me establishing the line, by talking about my feelings about other boys to you".
Plus, all that stuff she said, it just felt like it's her being... her? I dunno man, she seemed to me like that type of person, you know what I mean? Couldn't exactly find the words to describe it, but guys, c'mon, you understand me right? You all have more friends than me, pretty sure there's gotta be one that's like this?
Anyhoo, this took place after I went on that trip to Semarang and met that coffee shop worker girl (which you can read here), but shortly after that, Cylona and I decided to meet up. To say that she was elated by this idea would be an understatement.
"Eh Cyl, liburan gue udah mau abis loh. You wanna meet up or nah?", lontar gue, tanpa beban, tanpa pikiran.
"WAAAH RORY MAU KETEMU SAMA AKUU?", even in text form I could hear her.
"... kok gue nyesel ya"
"Iiih jahat, aku udah seneng padahal"
"Yeileh becanda laah. But seriously, mau ketemuan gak? I'm back in Jakarta (from Semarang) already and pretty much free until I fly back to Japan"
"Mauuu, ya kali nggak mau", she replied with great enthusiasm.
Jadilah kami merencenakan kapan dan di mana mau ketemu. Masalah 'kapan' tidak menjadi masalah, karena kami berdua sama-sama tidak sibuk, tapi 'di mana'? Dan ngapain? Baru deh simpang siur.
Beragam destinasi dan aktivitas kami bahas, dari ke Kota Tua, tapi menurut Cylona di sana terlalu banyak orang pacaran, ke Ancol, tapi menurut gue kejauhan dan mahal, sampe yang bener-bener paling standar, jalan-jalan ke mall dan nonton. That was until Cylona came up with an idea,
"Eh, gimana kalo kita ke Ragunan aja? Udah lama bangeet gila aku nggak ke sana", she texted.
"Ke kebon binatang? Oooh interesting, gue juga udah lama belom nengok saudara-saudara gue di sana", I responded, a little confuzzled, but also quite intrigued. Last time I went to a zoo was... I dunno how long ago, actually. This might actually prove to be a swell idea.
"Hahaha jadi ke Ragunan aja nih?"
"I mean, if you don't find it weird then I'm down"
Thus it was decided, we were going to the local zoo. Talk about unorthodox. Kami juga sepakat untuk ketemuan dulu di Bintaro Plaza, mall yang letaknya tidak terlalu jauh dari rumah Cylona dan gue, lalu berangkat dari sana ke Ragunan dengan mobil gue.
The day of the hangout was nearing, for some reason Cylona's noticeably acting more and more out of the ordinary. She became more talkative than ever, looking back I honestly don't know how I survived such a barrage of texts, within which she highly emphasized multiple times, repeatedly, again and again, how excited she was to see me in person. I was just as eager, but for an entirely different reason. Yes, I was actually looking forward to seeing the animals in the zoo, moreso than meeting Cylona. Listen, I'll admit, I might've watched one too many episodes of Stanley on Playhouse Disney in my days of youth, but the wildlife adventurer spirit within me lives on.
At last, the zoo trip day arrived. Meeting yet another person I met online, the second one this spring break alone. We agreed to meet around noon-ish, so after eating lunch at home I was promptly on my way to Bintaro Plaza to meet and pick her up. I didn't feel nervous at all, fact is I was feeling a little sick. Bukan, bukan gara-gara Cylona, tadi gue makan siang agak kebanyakan, kompensasi bangun kesiangan dan gak sarapan.
I arrived earlier than her, so I texted and waited for her near a Baskin-Robbins stand.
"Gue udah di lokasi ya. Gue berdiri di depan Baskin-Robbins, ground floor, yang deket Wendy's", and send text.
"Okeyy, I'm on the way. Bentar lagi nyampe", balasnya, cepet.
"Heh lu bukannya lagi naik motor, kok bisa bales?"
Dia gak bales.
Mampuslah, cilaka dia.
Tapi nggak deng, she was safe and sound. She replied not a few minutes later, declaring her arrival. Oke, berarti tinggal nunggu dia jalan dari tempat parkir ke sini, shouldn't take but a few minutes tops.
Dua menit berlalu.
Lima menit berlalu.
Sepuluh.
I have been blinded and led astray by this so-called "online friend", made an absolute fool out of, utterly bamboozled, hoodwinked, deceived by a simple tomfoolery that was blatantly obv—oh no wait, hang on she just texted again.
"I'm here", it read.
Gue liat sekeliling, mencari keberadaan Cylona. Gak ketemu. Ini mata gue rabun apa gimana? Apa jangan-jangan... dia... bukan manusia?
"Umm 'here' where, exactly? Kok gue gak liat lo ya?", I texted back.
"Di Baskin-Robbins, bener yang di depan supermarket Hero kan?", she followed up.
"Iya bener, lo di mana sih? I can't see you anywhere, ayok lah keburu kesorean nih"
"I can see you. Pake baju loreng biru-putih"
Heh? So she can see me? This is somehow getting a bit sinister? Hello? Help???
"Lah yaudah, kalo udah liat gue then what exactly are you doing?"
"Iiiih bentar gue nervous tau"
Nervous? For what? Going to the zoo? Was she secretly a member of the Wilderness Explorer and was also giddy in the prospect of meeting exotic faunae? Was she collecting badges to become a Senior Wilderness Explorer? Was she friends with Russell?
Utterly baffled by the situation, I decided to look around for her. She knows where I am, so she shouldn't be far. The place surrounding where I stood was pretty open, there weren't that many places that I couldn't see, apart from the backside of the Baskin-Robbins, so I decided to check there.
Lo and behold,
Cylona, hiding behind a cardboard cutout of the Baskin-Robbins logo. Kami saling liat-liatan untuk sekejap.
Gue diem.
Dia diem.
She looked mighty surprised, almost jumped out of her shoes. Nervous laughter started coming out of her as she tried to cover her blushed face with the palm of her hands.
"Hi", sapa gue, sambil senyum ramah.
"... h-hai", jawab Cylona, sebisa mungkin menahan tawa gugupnya.
"Rory, nice to uh... finally meet you in person hahaha", lanjut gue, menyodorkan tangan ke dia.
"Ahahah i-iya, Cylona. Nice to meet you too...", ucapnya, loyo, sembari menyambut tangan gue dengan tangannya.
"Right, mau langsung aja? Udah hampir sore lho"
Masih dalam kondisi gugup dan cengengesan, Cylona mengiyakan ajakan gue.
Tanpa simpang-siur lebih lanjut, kami pun berangkat menuju Taman Margasatwa Ragunan. Selama perjalanan, thankfully Cylona's calmed down and turned into what I could only assume her 'normal' state. To no surprise, she was as talkative as she had been online, but I guess that's a good thing, made for an eventful drive. Naturally, I asked her what all that fuss was back in Bintaro Plaza, and just like that her face once again reddened.
"Gue nervous banget tau Roryyyy, ini pertama kali gue ketemu sama orang dari Tinder"
"Oh ya? That's a bit unlucky, sorry Cyl hahaha"
Sparing the details, we got a little lost when trying to find the zoo entrance, but we made it eventually. It was a weekday, so there weren't many people, but I didn't know that there weren't that many animals on display as well. Most of the exhibits were empty, those with an actual animal in them are poorly kept. My disappointment was immeasurable and my day was ruined. I was there to see animals, not patches of grass and overgrown bushes. Okay, perhaps that was a bit exaggerated, I still had myself a day. It was nice to actually get to know someone for a change. That process of trying to understand a person, figure out how to best interact with them, knowing their backstory, I'd almost forgotten how interesting it could be. Cylona was, no doubt, someone I would definitely call a friend.
A bit on the annoying side, mind you, but a friend nonetheless. A good one at that.
The night before my departure to Japan, we hung out again, venturing the streets of Jakarta, out for a coffee and a good talk. The next day, she made sure to drop me gifts in the form of a hand-written letter and a couple of sweets, as a send off.
Days turned to month, and before I knew it, 2019 ended, enter 2020. I was rather surprised that Cylona would still be around this long, when I had lost contact with every other of my spring break T*nder matches. Of course, we didn't talk on a daily basis like we used to, there are longer gaps in between conversations, but not too long. The longest one only spanned a month or so, and it felt as if every instance she started the convo, it was going to be another story of another boy, a different one each time.
This goes without saying, but her habit of giving bizarre nicknames carried on, though I had eventually grown immune to them. Also, let's just say I fully understood why some boys could feel 'misled' by her, she do be speaking carelessly at times, and any emotionally volatile, hormone-charged late teen/young adult boys would no doubt see as a 'green light'.
January 2nd, 2020. Seven forty in the morning. I hadn't slept all night, my night shift job had completely turned my sleeping schedule on its head. I was peacefully watching Family Guy Funny Moments #253, when the soft buzz from the phone took my attention away from Peter Griffin in the middle of doing the funny.
A text from Cylona.
"Ror, I know it's early and I never told you this, but I feel like you deserve to know"
I was practically brain dead at the time, so I texted back with the first and only thing I could think of,
"Uh oh"
I could feel it. I could already see what's coming. It's never a good thing when someone braces you for something they 'never told you' and 'deserve to know'. Only two days into the new decade, not even. It took her a while to follow up, but after several minutes, a block of text popped up on my notifications. Boy howdy, goodness gravy, here we go.
"I liked you, but I liked liked you cause I remember I met you after someone bailed on me and talking to you was super fun and exciting and I was a bit ge-er when you followed me but then you told me it was coincidence (but later I found out it wasnt hahah)."
It continued,
"I was really sad to see you leaving hahahaa so I didn't sleep the night before you leave for Japan, and ended up writing you a letter, and asked two kids to deliver the letter to you because I got so shy."
"When you first mentioned about your crush, I was a bit heartbroken too but then I realized you just considered me as a friend and nothing much, and I'm happy hearing news from you, knowing that you're doing alright so I can finally forgot I used to have tiny teeny 'feelings' for you and I'm grateful cause we're still talking to this day"
Huh. Well. This is... unforeseen. Didn't know what to do or say about this information, really. Sleep deprivation wasn't much help either.
No thoughts. Head empty. The voice of Cleveland Brown echoed in my brain. Okay, should've probably turned the funny moments off first, really ruining the mood, ain't it?
"Here's my confession, and I don't want things to get awkward. Felt like I should spill it out cause you deserve to know hehe"
After a few minutes not replying, she texted again about the weather in Jakarta, and how that weather update was her attempt at forgetting what she had just said, also jokingly accused me of instantly blocking her after reading said texts. Meanwhile, I was just there, lying on my bed, struggling to form proper sentences because my brain was too preoccupied with rendering the voice of Peter Griffin saying 'hey Lois' on repeat.
Eventually though, I managed to make a sentence. Sort of.
"Hello, hello, took you long enough to spill the beans hahahaha", I teased, playing it cool to hide the reality that I was, at the time, incapable of performing basic human thought processing.
"Hahaha. Malu"
"Don't worry, I had a hunch", sahut gue.
I didn't.
"I'm oblivious to these kinda stuffs, but no one's ever hid behind a Baskin-Robbins from me before HAHAHA", kata gue lagi.
I AM that oblivious.
Even if she had appeared with a mask on that day, I'd still be clueless. All that story about her exes and crushes threw me completely off the scent. Afterwards, we kinda talked about it rather casually, how the feelings came to be, all the gushy mushy squishy stuff and other hows and whats and whys. We were both on the verge of falling asleep, so there were plenty of raw, unfiltered emotional ramblings going about.
I fell asleep at some point, and when I was awake and have full control of my brain again, it was my turn to send a long one.
"Hey, now that I'm fully awake and capable of forming proper sentences, thank you for being honest about your feelings. I’m sorry I can't really say the same things about you, and even worse, not being sensible (in terms of talking about other girls ahaha) even though I kinda sensed you might feel like that, but just know it was never my intention to hurt you, I’m just bad at picking up them kinda things. But I really do like having you around very much! So yes please don't feel awkward about it"
Her reply was simply an attempt at changing the subject, which I went along with because in that situation, I, too, wouldn't even like to think about it, so it was understandable.
Gue jadi teringat satu kutipan dari Raditya Dika, gue inget di salah satu bukunya, dia ngebahas soal pertemanan dia dengan satu cewek, dan dia nulis kalo hubungan platonis antara cowok dan cewek itu nggak mungkin, kecuali salah satu dari mereka ada yang naksir sama yang lain. I also remember upon reading that passage, I was hardly disagreeing with him, only to realize I'd never had such friendships to argue his case. And with Cylona, I guess Raditya Dika did have a point after all.
Still, it lingered for quite some time, this whole confession thing. It never came to mind that someone could actually see me in that light, let alone have feelings for me. I don't think of myself as desirable, wanted, nor do I feel like I deserve to be. Especially after... that night. Not after that night.
We both came to know each other back in the spring of 2019. She was one of the people I matched with on that god forsaken app T*nder. The main profile photo she put up was one of herself. She looked very Indonesian, I thought to myself upon seeing her.
Long, reddish-brown dyed hair hanging loose over her shoulders. Her head slightly tilted, a pair of somber eyes gazing the camera, straight into anyone stumbling upon her profile. With a slightly open mouth and her prominent, sharp chin, similar to that of my proxy-crush-back-in-middle-school’s, held between the thumb and the index finger of her right hand, you can almost tell she's at least mildly photogenic. The way I’m describing it kok tapi kayaknya malah kayak orang teler gini sih. Tapi ngerti kan, you’ve seen girls’ selfies, kebayang lah ya.
I don’t know how to explain this exactly, but she had the looks of someone that likes to talk... a lot. Whether it’s a good thing or bad, I didn’t know just yet, plus my intuition’s not exactly the sharpest, so I could be wrong. It was solely based off of years of judging by the cover that had accumulated and transformed into a bad habit. Or perhaps, a mere defensive mechanism?
After we matched, I was debating whether or not I should start a conversation. She didn’t look like a catfish, nor did she seem to lack personality. When you had had an annual tradition of perusing numerous profiles on an online “dating” app for four years, you, too, would get a knack for seeing through the mud. Her music taste, however, is a bit off-putting. The song she put as her “anthem” was a Latin hip-hop song by an artist I’m not quite familiar with.
But you know me, I went for it anyway. It’s a gamble I couldn’t lose, worst comes to worst they hit me with that “sori, gak sengaja swipe kanan”. Which, surprisingly, has actually never happened before.
"Hey, could you recommend me some good coffee shops? I've been away for some time, haven't really gone around much to know which place's worth visiting", and send.
Her bio mentioned something about liking coffee or going to cafes or something like that. Not an avid coffee drinker myself, but she didn't know that.
"Cafe atau coffe shop nih? Hahaha"
Woh. That was a rather speedy reply.
“Err emang ada bedanya ya? I dunno, apa aja boleh deh hahah”, I texted back, almost as speedy.
“Well there’s this one place I reaaally like in Bintaro...”
And just like that, the snowball was rolling down the hill.
She told me her name, I told her mine, and from that point we made room for more small talk and chitchats what have you. About ourselves, about Jakarta, and other stuff you talk about to strangers online.
She was 18, fresh out of high school and was taking a gap year. She worked part-time as an apprentice dentist while fortifying her plans for further studies, which university to go to and what major to study and all that. She was able to speak English, though from what I could tell, it wasn’t her go-to language. Hardly surprising, but her constant effort in using it as much as possible I found admirable. A bold one coming from someone who barely passed English as a Second Language, but such is my forte.
Making baseless, bold claims, I mean, not English. Englis onli speek litel litel yes?
The conversation went on, there were hardly any long gaps in between replies. In the off chance of one, the momentum pretty much picked up almost instantly as if the chat never came to a halt. As I had predicted, she enjoyed talking, even to strangers she met online, which means all I had to do was occasionally ask follow up questions and listen intently.
We had a day’s (maybe even two, I forgot) worth of good conversation, and I felt like she was gonna be another one that’s gonna go beyond T*nder. Soon, she’ll ask for my other socials, and I was more than obliged to do so. I, on the other hand, much prefer taking the backseat when it comes to this, this "going out of the app" decision, as I always have been. Not that I’ve never been the one to ask, but fear of rejection has nullified my urge to get to know someone better.
And my intuition was correct.
As we were conversing, she brought up the topic of exchanging phone numbers. At the time she sent the message, which was around midday, I was out and about, probably driving my dear mom from one place to another and only came around to check my phone late in the afternoon. There it was, three bars of notification on my lock screen. All from the same app. All from the same person.
"Hey, I was thinking maybe we should exchange numbers?"
"As much as I like T*nder, we can't really do much but text"
"But if you prefer it that way, I don't mind too. Just a suggestion :)"
There it is. Though this wasn't my first rodeo, the idea of giving my phone number to a stranger I met through a "dating" app is still mind boggling. Saying that, I always did it anyways so what am I even talking about. However, upon tapping the notification and going into the app, it directed me to an empty chat room. I backed out from the chat, only to find her profile had gone from my “matches” list. Huh. Did she ”unmatch” me? Did I take too long to reply? Did she delete her account altogether? Possible, but it is kinda weird since she was into the convo more than I do. Maybe there was a glitch? This stinky app do be gettin’ kinda buggy at times, so that wasn’t out of the question as well. Oh well, so it goes, I says.
Or so I thought. Curiosity crept rather slowly, but it bested me all the same. She didn’t seem like the type to just go poof, so I set out to find her via Instagram. Listen, I had a lot of free time, and not many people to spend it with, so any prospect of friendship was nothing short of swell. I only knew her first name, Cylona, so I typed it down in the search bar. Plenty of accounts popped up, but it took less than three minutes to find one that was hers. Luckily, her profile picture was the same as one of her T*nder photos, identification was as easy as catching a Combee.
So I followed her.
Before long, she followed me back, and we were talking again. Turned out, she didn't unmatch, it was a loose wire from the app that caused all that hootenannies. After straightening things up, we decided that Instagram wasn’t the prime location for chatting purposes and finally exchanged phone numbers.
After that, we just... picked up where we left off. We talked. Like. Every day. And with each passing day, she becomes all the more talkative and surprisingly open, especially when talking about her past (and present) romantic encounters.
She expressed how much she adored cats, how many she had, and how her parents are pretty much the opposite. But our talk went beyond cats, as she talked about back in high school, a lot of boys gave her the "PHP" label (PHP = "Pemberi Harapan Palsu", which literally translates to Giver of False Hope), karena sikapnya yang happy go lucky dan super casual, borderline flirty. Dan namanya juga cowok-cowok, diajak ngomong pake "aku kamu" aja bisa langsung gelagapan mulut berbusa (spesimen utama: Aurorus azharafiriantis, teenage phase). Akibatnya, keramahan Cylona sering dianggap sebagai tanda suka dan banyak cowok-cowok yang salah tangkap.
Her stories subsequently veered to one of her most recent almost-boyfriend, that left her out of the blue. She continued to one of her exes, a Latino American serving in the army, who still occasionally hit her up whenever he's in his feelings, even though he's already in a new relationship. She also told me about her senior at the dentist where she was working part-time, how he's "extra" friendly towards her and that she didn't know what to do. You know, the typical problem, kinda wanna but not really? Yeah well, she's that, personified. I finally get a glimpse of what Carly Rae Jepsen was trying to say in the song Girl Problems from her third studio album back in 2015, Emotion.
Great album, by the way, and ooo nelly, all the fond memories attached to it.
Erhm, anyhoo, I'll admit, it was pretty one sided but neither of us really cared. Of course, from time to time she would ask me things about myself, from the more generic, chitchatty ones, to more personal ones. Including, but not limited to, the flowery, oh, so celebrated L-word life.
I told her about my past relationship, though only a general overview of it. "It was back in high school, nothing to it, only lasted a year or so", along those lines. I claimed to have "forgotten" the details, and surprisingly that reasoning seemed good enough to stop her from prying. The story went on with Agar, how we were a word away from being a thing, but we didn't take the leap, and now we're practically two worlds apart. To tie it up, I simply mentioned that it had been a series of crash and burns ever since.
Semakin hari, semakin banyak kami saling bercerita, dan pertemanan antara kami berdua juga terasa... aneh? Setidaknya untuk gue, karena selain Agar, gue tidak pernah punya temen online yang sampe sedeket ini. Dan di kasus Agar, we were close, but it was only after we confessed our mutual feelings, we became super close and open, ini si Cylona kok bisa-bisanya terbuka banget sama gue, and only as friends? Not only texts, as days go by dia juga jadi sering mengirim foto beragam macamnya, most of them being selfies and her cats. Literal cats, by the way, like the one you keep as pets, yeah? Shame on you, you sinful, dirty-minded creatures.
Lama kelamaan, dia juga sering minta gue selfie, dan gue iyakan, tapi setengah hati, and every time I send my photos her way, selalu dia respon dengan pujian-pujian yang gue rasa sangat janggal. The compliments themselves are pretty straightforward, you know, things along the lines of "looking good", tapi justru itu yang bikin aneh. Are her eyes okay? Is she being sarcastic? Dude, even Agar didn't say these kinda things.
Fast forward to the last few weeks of my spring break. Though I was beginning to question the platonic nature of this friendship due to her constant shower of compliments, squishy mushy nicknames, and heart emojis, I didn't assume there's anything more. She talked a lot about other guys, including her crush at the time, which to me read like a signal that says "this is me establishing the line, by talking about my feelings about other boys to you".
Plus, all that stuff she said, it just felt like it's her being... her? I dunno man, she seemed to me like that type of person, you know what I mean? Couldn't exactly find the words to describe it, but guys, c'mon, you understand me right? You all have more friends than me, pretty sure there's gotta be one that's like this?
Anyhoo, this took place after I went on that trip to Semarang and met that coffee shop worker girl (which you can read here), but shortly after that, Cylona and I decided to meet up. To say that she was elated by this idea would be an understatement.
"Eh Cyl, liburan gue udah mau abis loh. You wanna meet up or nah?", lontar gue, tanpa beban, tanpa pikiran.
"WAAAH RORY MAU KETEMU SAMA AKUU?", even in text form I could hear her.
"... kok gue nyesel ya"
"Iiih jahat, aku udah seneng padahal"
"Yeileh becanda laah. But seriously, mau ketemuan gak? I'm back in Jakarta (from Semarang) already and pretty much free until I fly back to Japan"
"Mauuu, ya kali nggak mau", she replied with great enthusiasm.
Jadilah kami merencenakan kapan dan di mana mau ketemu. Masalah 'kapan' tidak menjadi masalah, karena kami berdua sama-sama tidak sibuk, tapi 'di mana'? Dan ngapain? Baru deh simpang siur.
Beragam destinasi dan aktivitas kami bahas, dari ke Kota Tua, tapi menurut Cylona di sana terlalu banyak orang pacaran, ke Ancol, tapi menurut gue kejauhan dan mahal, sampe yang bener-bener paling standar, jalan-jalan ke mall dan nonton. That was until Cylona came up with an idea,
"Eh, gimana kalo kita ke Ragunan aja? Udah lama bangeet gila aku nggak ke sana", she texted.
"Ke kebon binatang? Oooh interesting, gue juga udah lama belom nengok saudara-saudara gue di sana", I responded, a little confuzzled, but also quite intrigued. Last time I went to a zoo was... I dunno how long ago, actually. This might actually prove to be a swell idea.
"Hahaha jadi ke Ragunan aja nih?"
"I mean, if you don't find it weird then I'm down"
Thus it was decided, we were going to the local zoo. Talk about unorthodox. Kami juga sepakat untuk ketemuan dulu di Bintaro Plaza, mall yang letaknya tidak terlalu jauh dari rumah Cylona dan gue, lalu berangkat dari sana ke Ragunan dengan mobil gue.
The day of the hangout was nearing, for some reason Cylona's noticeably acting more and more out of the ordinary. She became more talkative than ever, looking back I honestly don't know how I survived such a barrage of texts, within which she highly emphasized multiple times, repeatedly, again and again, how excited she was to see me in person. I was just as eager, but for an entirely different reason. Yes, I was actually looking forward to seeing the animals in the zoo, moreso than meeting Cylona. Listen, I'll admit, I might've watched one too many episodes of Stanley on Playhouse Disney in my days of youth, but the wildlife adventurer spirit within me lives on.
At last, the zoo trip day arrived. Meeting yet another person I met online, the second one this spring break alone. We agreed to meet around noon-ish, so after eating lunch at home I was promptly on my way to Bintaro Plaza to meet and pick her up. I didn't feel nervous at all, fact is I was feeling a little sick. Bukan, bukan gara-gara Cylona, tadi gue makan siang agak kebanyakan, kompensasi bangun kesiangan dan gak sarapan.
I arrived earlier than her, so I texted and waited for her near a Baskin-Robbins stand.
"Gue udah di lokasi ya. Gue berdiri di depan Baskin-Robbins, ground floor, yang deket Wendy's", and send text.
"Okeyy, I'm on the way. Bentar lagi nyampe", balasnya, cepet.
"Heh lu bukannya lagi naik motor, kok bisa bales?"
Dia gak bales.
Mampuslah, cilaka dia.
Tapi nggak deng, she was safe and sound. She replied not a few minutes later, declaring her arrival. Oke, berarti tinggal nunggu dia jalan dari tempat parkir ke sini, shouldn't take but a few minutes tops.
Dua menit berlalu.
Lima menit berlalu.
Sepuluh.
I have been blinded and led astray by this so-called "online friend", made an absolute fool out of, utterly bamboozled, hoodwinked, deceived by a simple tomfoolery that was blatantly obv—oh no wait, hang on she just texted again.
"I'm here", it read.
Gue liat sekeliling, mencari keberadaan Cylona. Gak ketemu. Ini mata gue rabun apa gimana? Apa jangan-jangan... dia... bukan manusia?
"Umm 'here' where, exactly? Kok gue gak liat lo ya?", I texted back.
"Di Baskin-Robbins, bener yang di depan supermarket Hero kan?", she followed up.
"Iya bener, lo di mana sih? I can't see you anywhere, ayok lah keburu kesorean nih"
"I can see you. Pake baju loreng biru-putih"
Heh? So she can see me? This is somehow getting a bit sinister? Hello? Help???
"Lah yaudah, kalo udah liat gue then what exactly are you doing?"
"Iiiih bentar gue nervous tau"
Nervous? For what? Going to the zoo? Was she secretly a member of the Wilderness Explorer and was also giddy in the prospect of meeting exotic faunae? Was she collecting badges to become a Senior Wilderness Explorer? Was she friends with Russell?
Utterly baffled by the situation, I decided to look around for her. She knows where I am, so she shouldn't be far. The place surrounding where I stood was pretty open, there weren't that many places that I couldn't see, apart from the backside of the Baskin-Robbins, so I decided to check there.
Lo and behold,
Cylona, hiding behind a cardboard cutout of the Baskin-Robbins logo. Kami saling liat-liatan untuk sekejap.
Gue diem.
Dia diem.
She looked mighty surprised, almost jumped out of her shoes. Nervous laughter started coming out of her as she tried to cover her blushed face with the palm of her hands.
"Hi", sapa gue, sambil senyum ramah.
"... h-hai", jawab Cylona, sebisa mungkin menahan tawa gugupnya.
"Rory, nice to uh... finally meet you in person hahaha", lanjut gue, menyodorkan tangan ke dia.
"Ahahah i-iya, Cylona. Nice to meet you too...", ucapnya, loyo, sembari menyambut tangan gue dengan tangannya.
"Right, mau langsung aja? Udah hampir sore lho"
Masih dalam kondisi gugup dan cengengesan, Cylona mengiyakan ajakan gue.
Tanpa simpang-siur lebih lanjut, kami pun berangkat menuju Taman Margasatwa Ragunan. Selama perjalanan, thankfully Cylona's calmed down and turned into what I could only assume her 'normal' state. To no surprise, she was as talkative as she had been online, but I guess that's a good thing, made for an eventful drive. Naturally, I asked her what all that fuss was back in Bintaro Plaza, and just like that her face once again reddened.
"Gue nervous banget tau Roryyyy, ini pertama kali gue ketemu sama orang dari Tinder"
"Oh ya? That's a bit unlucky, sorry Cyl hahaha"
Sparing the details, we got a little lost when trying to find the zoo entrance, but we made it eventually. It was a weekday, so there weren't many people, but I didn't know that there weren't that many animals on display as well. Most of the exhibits were empty, those with an actual animal in them are poorly kept. My disappointment was immeasurable and my day was ruined. I was there to see animals, not patches of grass and overgrown bushes. Okay, perhaps that was a bit exaggerated, I still had myself a day. It was nice to actually get to know someone for a change. That process of trying to understand a person, figure out how to best interact with them, knowing their backstory, I'd almost forgotten how interesting it could be. Cylona was, no doubt, someone I would definitely call a friend.
A bit on the annoying side, mind you, but a friend nonetheless. A good one at that.
The night before my departure to Japan, we hung out again, venturing the streets of Jakarta, out for a coffee and a good talk. The next day, she made sure to drop me gifts in the form of a hand-written letter and a couple of sweets, as a send off.
Days turned to month, and before I knew it, 2019 ended, enter 2020. I was rather surprised that Cylona would still be around this long, when I had lost contact with every other of my spring break T*nder matches. Of course, we didn't talk on a daily basis like we used to, there are longer gaps in between conversations, but not too long. The longest one only spanned a month or so, and it felt as if every instance she started the convo, it was going to be another story of another boy, a different one each time.
This goes without saying, but her habit of giving bizarre nicknames carried on, though I had eventually grown immune to them. Also, let's just say I fully understood why some boys could feel 'misled' by her, she do be speaking carelessly at times, and any emotionally volatile, hormone-charged late teen/young adult boys would no doubt see as a 'green light'.
January 2nd, 2020. Seven forty in the morning. I hadn't slept all night, my night shift job had completely turned my sleeping schedule on its head. I was peacefully watching Family Guy Funny Moments #253, when the soft buzz from the phone took my attention away from Peter Griffin in the middle of doing the funny.
A text from Cylona.
"Ror, I know it's early and I never told you this, but I feel like you deserve to know"
I was practically brain dead at the time, so I texted back with the first and only thing I could think of,
"Uh oh"
I could feel it. I could already see what's coming. It's never a good thing when someone braces you for something they 'never told you' and 'deserve to know'. Only two days into the new decade, not even. It took her a while to follow up, but after several minutes, a block of text popped up on my notifications. Boy howdy, goodness gravy, here we go.
"I liked you, but I liked liked you cause I remember I met you after someone bailed on me and talking to you was super fun and exciting and I was a bit ge-er when you followed me but then you told me it was coincidence (but later I found out it wasnt hahah)."
It continued,
"I was really sad to see you leaving hahahaa so I didn't sleep the night before you leave for Japan, and ended up writing you a letter, and asked two kids to deliver the letter to you because I got so shy."
"When you first mentioned about your crush, I was a bit heartbroken too but then I realized you just considered me as a friend and nothing much, and I'm happy hearing news from you, knowing that you're doing alright so I can finally forgot I used to have tiny teeny 'feelings' for you and I'm grateful cause we're still talking to this day"
Huh. Well. This is... unforeseen. Didn't know what to do or say about this information, really. Sleep deprivation wasn't much help either.
No thoughts. Head empty. The voice of Cleveland Brown echoed in my brain. Okay, should've probably turned the funny moments off first, really ruining the mood, ain't it?
"Here's my confession, and I don't want things to get awkward. Felt like I should spill it out cause you deserve to know hehe"
After a few minutes not replying, she texted again about the weather in Jakarta, and how that weather update was her attempt at forgetting what she had just said, also jokingly accused me of instantly blocking her after reading said texts. Meanwhile, I was just there, lying on my bed, struggling to form proper sentences because my brain was too preoccupied with rendering the voice of Peter Griffin saying 'hey Lois' on repeat.
Eventually though, I managed to make a sentence. Sort of.
"Hello, hello, took you long enough to spill the beans hahahaha", I teased, playing it cool to hide the reality that I was, at the time, incapable of performing basic human thought processing.
"Hahaha. Malu"
"Don't worry, I had a hunch", sahut gue.
I didn't.
"I'm oblivious to these kinda stuffs, but no one's ever hid behind a Baskin-Robbins from me before HAHAHA", kata gue lagi.
I AM that oblivious.
Even if she had appeared with a mask on that day, I'd still be clueless. All that story about her exes and crushes threw me completely off the scent. Afterwards, we kinda talked about it rather casually, how the feelings came to be, all the gushy mushy squishy stuff and other hows and whats and whys. We were both on the verge of falling asleep, so there were plenty of raw, unfiltered emotional ramblings going about.
I fell asleep at some point, and when I was awake and have full control of my brain again, it was my turn to send a long one.
"Hey, now that I'm fully awake and capable of forming proper sentences, thank you for being honest about your feelings. I’m sorry I can't really say the same things about you, and even worse, not being sensible (in terms of talking about other girls ahaha) even though I kinda sensed you might feel like that, but just know it was never my intention to hurt you, I’m just bad at picking up them kinda things. But I really do like having you around very much! So yes please don't feel awkward about it"
Her reply was simply an attempt at changing the subject, which I went along with because in that situation, I, too, wouldn't even like to think about it, so it was understandable.
Gue jadi teringat satu kutipan dari Raditya Dika, gue inget di salah satu bukunya, dia ngebahas soal pertemanan dia dengan satu cewek, dan dia nulis kalo hubungan platonis antara cowok dan cewek itu nggak mungkin, kecuali salah satu dari mereka ada yang naksir sama yang lain. I also remember upon reading that passage, I was hardly disagreeing with him, only to realize I'd never had such friendships to argue his case. And with Cylona, I guess Raditya Dika did have a point after all.
Still, it lingered for quite some time, this whole confession thing. It never came to mind that someone could actually see me in that light, let alone have feelings for me. I don't think of myself as desirable, wanted, nor do I feel like I deserve to be. Especially after... that night. Not after that night.
Not after knowing what I had done...
— — —
Nagasaki was a trip and a half. Even sleeping in the car hit kinda different in a developed country. It didn't feel as... ghetto. I was in awe, by far my favorite city in Japan. The European influences ever so prominent throughout the architectures, blended masterfully with the Japanese aesthetic, giving the city such a unique ambiance. It wasn't as crowded as Tokyo, but definitely not as quiet as Beppu. It had the amenities of a big city, but the feel of a small town, in other words, my kind of city. Sucks that it was only for two days, but it was worth it.
There we were, back in my apartment room in Beppu, with my high school best friend, Bento, after a two day semi-impromptu Nagasaki road-trip. Two bros chillin' on the bed and sofa late at night, lights out, drowsiness settling in. Not long, the sentiments will follow suit, coming out on its own with our defenses no longer tightly guarded.
Bento was the one to initiate the late night talk, as he was the one who had the most recent romantic mishap. I listened solemnly, giving him feedback whenever needed. It reminded both of us of high school, of the time I would spend a night in his apartment and talk about so many different things late into the night, and just like that we were reminiscing. About our friends. About our school. And of course, it was inevitable, but the topic was finally brought up.
"Yo Ror, why did you and R̹͋̍͢a̐̽҉͂d̡̺ͬͣi̘͑́͞o̰̰ͥ͗ break up? You never talked about it man"
Ah. Right. Despite us being relatively close, I've never truly opened up to him. I felt bad. What a friend, I am, huh?
In the past, I would always smokescreen my way out, saying how 'it was all a blur', and making up all other nonsense to avoid ever having to talk about it. Now, though, it all really do seem like a blur. It almost doesn't feel... real. I do know, however, that it was real. The fact that saying the L-word induces a stinging sensation on the left side of my head, and the heaviness I feel every time I was asked about h̵̨̛͞è̢̀̀r̷̷͝͠ are more than enough evidences. That being said, Bento's my best friend. He had poured his heart out to me, it was only fair for me to do the same, thus I did.
"Wow, damn dude", he reacted as I finished my story.
"Yeah", I sighed.
"You had it going good"
"I know"
Classic Bento. Ever so blunt. I never minded that about him, wouldn't be having this talk if I did.
"Did you know what happened?", he inquired.
"Hm? Happened with what?"
"I dunno, I think it was like, on one of the Saturdays when we had substitute classes, you remember we had those?"
"Uhhuh. What happened then?"
"I was driving R̹͋̍͢a̐̽҉͂d̡̺ͬͣi̘͑́͞o̰̰ͥ͗ back home from school right, and out of nowhere...
... she just started crying"
Jantung gue bergemuruh. The heavy guilt I thought I had rid of was back, anchoring me to the ground. I made her... cry? And I didn't know until now?
"... s-she did?", lontar gue, my voice barely came out.
"Yeah man, and not even the quiet kinda teary-eyed cry, she burst down in tears", tanggap Bento.
"I... I-I see... right", my words at this point were stuttered, barely intelligible.
Pretentious (and unforgivably cheesy) as it may be, early in my teenage years, I had made a few promises to myself, four of them, to be exact. One of them was to never drink alcohol, another to never smoke any kind of addictive substances. These two I made in accordance to my youthful ambitions, to become the best athlete I could possibly be. The other two, however, were made for an entirely different reason.
To never break anyone's heart. To never make anyone cry.
Those were the promises I made to myself. I had kept them to myself, all four of them, subsequently making them a part of my identity. I feel as though breaking even one of these promises will lead me down a path I'd rather not discover.
And yet, I had broken them. All along. Not one, but two. And it took me this long to find out. If I never said yes to the road trip... if Bento never came to visit... would I have spent the rest of my life not knowing? That I had broken the promises? Does that mean... I would've lived a lie?
"You fucked up big time man", spurted Bento.
"Hahah y-yeah... I know"
"Shel̠̪̠̙͖͒ͤ̏ͨ͟o̷̱͔̥̠̽ͭ̇̿̓v̸̘̥͇̉́̈ͯ̚͜ė̷̹̘͚̜ͭ͌͑͘d̼̲̄̿̿̉̽ͧͧ͞ you for real bro, the way she cried", he piled on.
"Yes, Ben, I... I know"
I was distraught. I didn't even know how it never occurred to me that what I felt, she was capable of feeling too. Hell, for all I know, it could've been worse for her. No, it must've been. But all this time, all I ever thought about was... myself. My feelings. My perspective. My selfishness and ego grew so huge I couldn't see anything past it. Sure, as I grew, I was able to see that I was in the wrong but... even then, never struck me once, the possibility that she cried. All of a sudden, all these years, crashing and burning, frantically on a constant quest for a significant other, they all feel... well deserved. It feels fair. It suddenly feels like even if this were to be my story, for the rest of my time here, I would be okay. Because I broke her heart. I made her cry. I couldn't see myself the same way ever again.
"Don't worry about it Ror. I mean, you were like, what, fifteen, sixteen? You didn't know better"
Did I? Perhaps I didn't, but I couldn't help but feel I should've.
"None of us did. There's just no way dude, so, you know, don't dwell on it too much. Nothing you can do about it", he continued
"If you put it that way, I guess you're right", sahut gue.
"Thank you, Ben. For letting me know."
And thus we both went to slumber. There's nowhere else to go but onward.
So it goes.
— — —
After the confession, we pretty much returned to how we always were. Talking from time to time, with little to no filter. Although saying that, she did manage to get herself a boyfriend not too long ago, so I can only assume the frequency of contact will slowly decline until we're once more strangers. Well, I mean of course I hope it'll never come to that, but as I said, this isn't my first rodeo, so it wouldn't surprise me, and I would be prepared.
But yeah, knowing her, I don't think she'd stop talking to other guys even with the presence of a boyfriend, so... y-yeah, I dunno really. She better invite me to her wedding, and there better be quality kambing guling there.
As for me, oh I dunno. I'm quite happy at the moment, really. Not happy happy, but you know. I managed to finally enter Elite Smash with Chrom, by the way. 6.5 million GSP. Anyone wanna come get it, you can come get it.
And I don't really know what The Man Upstairs have in store for me. Nothing good, I assume, but still, I'm curious as ever.
— — —
Nagasaki was a trip and a half. Even sleeping in the car hit kinda different in a developed country. It didn't feel as... ghetto. I was in awe, by far my favorite city in Japan. The European influences ever so prominent throughout the architectures, blended masterfully with the Japanese aesthetic, giving the city such a unique ambiance. It wasn't as crowded as Tokyo, but definitely not as quiet as Beppu. It had the amenities of a big city, but the feel of a small town, in other words, my kind of city. Sucks that it was only for two days, but it was worth it.
There we were, back in my apartment room in Beppu, with my high school best friend, Bento, after a two day semi-impromptu Nagasaki road-trip. Two bros chillin' on the bed and sofa late at night, lights out, drowsiness settling in. Not long, the sentiments will follow suit, coming out on its own with our defenses no longer tightly guarded.
Bento was the one to initiate the late night talk, as he was the one who had the most recent romantic mishap. I listened solemnly, giving him feedback whenever needed. It reminded both of us of high school, of the time I would spend a night in his apartment and talk about so many different things late into the night, and just like that we were reminiscing. About our friends. About our school. And of course, it was inevitable, but the topic was finally brought up.
"Yo Ror, why did you and R̹͋̍͢a̐̽҉͂d̡̺ͬͣi̘͑́͞o̰̰ͥ͗ break up? You never talked about it man"
Ah. Right. Despite us being relatively close, I've never truly opened up to him. I felt bad. What a friend, I am, huh?
In the past, I would always smokescreen my way out, saying how 'it was all a blur', and making up all other nonsense to avoid ever having to talk about it. Now, though, it all really do seem like a blur. It almost doesn't feel... real. I do know, however, that it was real. The fact that saying the L-word induces a stinging sensation on the left side of my head, and the heaviness I feel every time I was asked about h̵̨̛͞è̢̀̀r̷̷͝͠ are more than enough evidences. That being said, Bento's my best friend. He had poured his heart out to me, it was only fair for me to do the same, thus I did.
"Wow, damn dude", he reacted as I finished my story.
"Yeah", I sighed.
"You had it going good"
"I know"
Classic Bento. Ever so blunt. I never minded that about him, wouldn't be having this talk if I did.
"Did you know what happened?", he inquired.
"Hm? Happened with what?"
"I dunno, I think it was like, on one of the Saturdays when we had substitute classes, you remember we had those?"
"Uhhuh. What happened then?"
"I was driving R̹͋̍͢a̐̽҉͂d̡̺ͬͣi̘͑́͞o̰̰ͥ͗ back home from school right, and out of nowhere...
... she just started crying"
Jantung gue bergemuruh. The heavy guilt I thought I had rid of was back, anchoring me to the ground. I made her... cry? And I didn't know until now?
"... s-she did?", lontar gue, my voice barely came out.
"Yeah man, and not even the quiet kinda teary-eyed cry, she burst down in tears", tanggap Bento.
"I... I-I see... right", my words at this point were stuttered, barely intelligible.
Pretentious (and unforgivably cheesy) as it may be, early in my teenage years, I had made a few promises to myself, four of them, to be exact. One of them was to never drink alcohol, another to never smoke any kind of addictive substances. These two I made in accordance to my youthful ambitions, to become the best athlete I could possibly be. The other two, however, were made for an entirely different reason.
To never break anyone's heart. To never make anyone cry.
Those were the promises I made to myself. I had kept them to myself, all four of them, subsequently making them a part of my identity. I feel as though breaking even one of these promises will lead me down a path I'd rather not discover.
And yet, I had broken them. All along. Not one, but two. And it took me this long to find out. If I never said yes to the road trip... if Bento never came to visit... would I have spent the rest of my life not knowing? That I had broken the promises? Does that mean... I would've lived a lie?
"You fucked up big time man", spurted Bento.
"Hahah y-yeah... I know"
"She
"Yes, Ben, I... I know"
I was distraught. I didn't even know how it never occurred to me that what I felt, she was capable of feeling too. Hell, for all I know, it could've been worse for her. No, it must've been. But all this time, all I ever thought about was... myself. My feelings. My perspective. My selfishness and ego grew so huge I couldn't see anything past it. Sure, as I grew, I was able to see that I was in the wrong but... even then, never struck me once, the possibility that she cried. All of a sudden, all these years, crashing and burning, frantically on a constant quest for a significant other, they all feel... well deserved. It feels fair. It suddenly feels like even if this were to be my story, for the rest of my time here, I would be okay. Because I broke her heart. I made her cry. I couldn't see myself the same way ever again.
"Don't worry about it Ror. I mean, you were like, what, fifteen, sixteen? You didn't know better"
Did I? Perhaps I didn't, but I couldn't help but feel I should've.
"None of us did. There's just no way dude, so, you know, don't dwell on it too much. Nothing you can do about it", he continued
"If you put it that way, I guess you're right", sahut gue.
"Thank you, Ben. For letting me know."
And thus we both went to slumber. There's nowhere else to go but onward.
So it goes.
— — —
After the confession, we pretty much returned to how we always were. Talking from time to time, with little to no filter. Although saying that, she did manage to get herself a boyfriend not too long ago, so I can only assume the frequency of contact will slowly decline until we're once more strangers. Well, I mean of course I hope it'll never come to that, but as I said, this isn't my first rodeo, so it wouldn't surprise me, and I would be prepared.
But yeah, knowing her, I don't think she'd stop talking to other guys even with the presence of a boyfriend, so... y-yeah, I dunno really. She better invite me to her wedding, and there better be quality kambing guling there.
As for me, oh I dunno. I'm quite happy at the moment, really. Not happy happy, but you know. I managed to finally enter Elite Smash with Chrom, by the way. 6.5 million GSP. Anyone wanna come get it, you can come get it.
And I don't really know what The Man Upstairs have in store for me. Nothing good, I assume, but still, I'm curious as ever.
Oh if only I could peek into the future and see what's coming. That would be swell, wouldn't it?
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