2020; An Afterword

Is life really worth living? I’ve been in a state of limbo for quite a while now, and I don’t see it ending anytime soon. Obviously, one might blame the global pandemic for what befell them, and perhaps they’re right to an extent. This outbreak have contributed in making our already difficult lives a little more so. I, for one, who graduated last spring, right at the cusp of the cases increasing exponentially, am still unable to find a proper job. I had it all planned out in my head, now here I am, nine months later, still nothing. Still just waiting in this purgatory, uncertain of the future. Sending in job applications has become such a dread, always met with a rejection, or worse, no response at all. What do I even do? Am I ever going to make something out of myself?

-//-

2020. What more is there to say that hasn’t already been said? The centennial pandemic outbreak cycle seems to be going strong. I wish I could live to see 2120 just so I can witness the cycle continue (or stop). It is rather odd, however, that my 2020 wasn’t all that bad. Okay, it wasn’t nearly as good as I thought it’d be going into it, but still, with everything that’s going on, despite the world engulfed in flames and any and all hope for the future getting ever so bleak, the handful of highlights are enough to make my 2020 more than just “the year of the plague”. I say a handful; of course, I meant that one thing I have going on for me. Or should I say, one person.

-//-

I really enjoy basketball still. I thought after a little more than half a year without touching the ball, or even stepping foot on the court, I’d grow distant and indifferent towards the game. But once I got a ball in my hands and a rim to shoot at, the feeling came back. The thrill of the game, the burning competitive spirit that I had back then, all kicked in when I started dribbling and shooting around. I wanna play basketball. I wanna play with my friends again. I wanna play against my best friend again. Gosh, I’m such an idiot.

-//-

Negative emotions are unavoidable. I thought now that I finally got what I’d been looking for, my days would be less dreary and more colorful. It’s true to an extent, when it’s good it’s super, and I mean super good. Sunshine and rainbows, green hills and beds of flowers. But I often find these highs are hand-in-hand with equally intense lows. And I just can’t help but feel… somber. Not quite sad, nor depressed, but it’s just… I dunno. I have people that care about me, yet I feel like that “care” they’re giving me is undeserved. And at times, it feels more like a burden, almost. I’m grateful for it, but at the same time, I wanna be able to return it, but I feel like I can never be able to, and it’s just… I dunno. I still need to work on stuff, evidently. Mostly myself. Thing is, I’m not quite sure how or where to start. How do I change? What do I change? 

I’ll manage, though. Like every other times in the past. If there’s anything I possess, it’s the ability to do things out of spite for life itself. The willpower to defeat this so-called destiny. 

Whew, that went dramatic extra quick.

-//-

Ever since I found the Smash Indonesia discord, I’ve been so looking forward to everything going back to normality again. All throughout the entirety of my Smash Ultimate so-called “career”, I’ve only ever attended one proper tournament. That wasn’t even that big of a tourney. Had I gone to a big city university, I would’ve definitely joined a lot more. I’d probably get my ass handed to me, but hey, at least I could measure just how much I sucked, so I could work on my game.

-//-

I feel like all my life, I’ve been doing nothing but ride out these massive waves of luck I somehow kept getting. Ever since I was little, I can’t recall a single moment where something I got was well earned, I don’t remember being a hard-working person, ever. Like that time back in first grade when I ranked third in class. That was the only time I ever ranked that high. Or in second grade when I got into the acceleration program. Graduating elementary with a 25.40 cumulative score (out of 30) was also quite a surprise. It wasn’t the best, but it wasn’t the worst, either. For my school, it was actually pretty darn high, since the highest scorer only got 27.10. 

Getting into middle school involved a ton of luck as well, but high school probably sucked half of my life’s worth of luck. First off, getting into that fancy shmancy ass school was a miracle only second to Lia Eden’s divine breakthrough. A dusty, middle-class, born-and-raised Indonesian, barely able to speak English, somehow, some way, accepted into a preppy, Methodist, high-end international school. Kids, if I could pull this kinda stuff, you can do whatever you can dream. Second, getting a romantic interest from an actual, living, 3D human girl. Shit’s wild yo, I mean, look at me. Third, of course, graduating. Every semester, I failed at least two of my classes. I was supposed to be a “scholarship student”. I get a good chuckle every time I remembered that. But hey, not my fault they accepted my musty ass. Also, it just goes to show, I can do things if I wanted to. Imagine if I decided to actually put in effort. It’d be over for all y’all. Man Upstairs knew, so He had to nerf me into oblivion, blessing me with a crippling sense of utter hopelessness to the point where I cannot get myself into doing anything at maximum capacity. 

I spent my last bit of luck when I finally decided to submit my university application. I submitted it on the very last possible day, two hours before the office closed. I went to the interview with nothing in mind, nothing prepared. Pure improvisation, winging it from start to end, but with that final pinch of luck I had, I managed. From there on end, I was left to my own devices. Dried out of luck, I had to work my way up the world honestly, blood, sweat, and tears and whatnot. Here I am now, still just floating in uncertainty.

But hey, we’re all protagonists in our own stories, right? I’ll make it somehow. I made a promise to myself. And I don’t break promises. God bless superiority complex, and everything it’s brought to humanity. Where would we be without it, eh?

-//-

The year’s finally coming to an end. I must say, after ten months of absolute hot garbage, these past two months have been… delightful, I guess? To say the least. Perhaps it’s the fact that I’m now back in motherland that I finally have a solid footing and start afresh. Though, “fresh” is hardly the right word, my status of “fresh graduate” is gonna expire in a few months’ time. Nonetheless, I keep my head up; I do think that the tunnel I thought to be never-ending was simply agonizingly long. And well made at that. I’m happy to say that my year is ending on a good note. Great note. No, scratch that, bewilderingly fantastic note. I’m still figuring things out, no doubt about that, but for someone who didn’t even plan on reaching twenty, being twenty-two on its own is an achievement. Everything else that came along were bonuses. And I got plenty of ‘em. Here’s to hoping '21 will be much kinder and more gentle. Smooth seas don’t make good sailors, but being stuck in a twelve month long non-stop storm might be a tad excessive, don’t you think?

-//-