Twenty Twenty 3

(credit: pxlflx on tumblr)

This marks my 200th post on this blog, by the way. Holy cow, can you believe it? Can I get a round of applause for number 200, lemme pat myself on the back real quick before I start this rigamarole. Two hundred posts, twelve years later, and still mentally unstable baby, posting public diary entries with no shame, no fame, no game, still rawdoggin' life, just the way it's meant to be lived let's fucking GOOOO!!!

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A story ain't complete unless it's a trilogy.

Well, ladies, gents, and everyone in between and beyond, a trilogy is exactly what has been bestowed upon this 25-year-old sexually confused man.

WWWWWWWHAT IT DOOOOO EVERYBODAYY, it is none other than ya boy,  

𝙸͕͓͑ͥ̚ ͋ͧ́̓͟𝙺̬́̄ͬ͞𝚎̹̩̼ͫ̀𝚎͓̊̆̇ͬ𝚙̷̛̹̿́ ̷̺̌͛͑𝚂͉̥̀̆͞𝚌̰̰͐͟͡𝚛͎̳̞̌̋𝚎̢̭͍̈̔𝚊̵̫̘̉ͅ𝚖̸̗̖̀ͅ𝚒̖̝͖͕͞𝚗̴ͭ̏̋̍𝚐̛̬͓̲̿ ̼̓̌̏͗𝙱̞͛͊ͭ̌𝚞̼ͭ͑ͩ͝𝚝̪̩ͫ̃̚ ̴̞̒ͧ̍𝙽̟̭̝͂͂𝚘͉̘ͬ͛́ ̰̾̂̅͞𝙾̭̻̫̄͌𝚗̧̾͌̕ͅ𝚎̶͚ͥ̆ͧ ̶̩̖̓̎𝙴̺҉̠̥͞𝚟͍̟͎̒͑𝚎̥̫̯̰͂𝚛ͧͩͭͥ̾ ̢͎͓ͪ͋𝙲̢̯̻̈̈́𝚘̯̝͋̍̉𝚖̶̫͈̊͗𝚎̷̵̱̟̊𝚜̜̾ͭͫ͡    here. 

Another year, another year-end blog post to wrap things up. I say that, tapi kenyataannya sudah dua tahun gue tidak menulis postingan akhir tahun di blog ini. I missed 2021 and 2022 karena alasan yang berbeda. Tapi tahun ini, oh gosh oh golly would you believe it folks, the funny is back. I mentioned in one of my previous posts that I reached the eye of the storm, where the water was calm. Unlucky me, that analogy proved to be a tad too accurate, as reaching the eye was only half of the battle. To completely escape the storm, you'll have to once again plunge yourself into it, making it all the way to the other side. That is exactly where I am. This sailor of turbulent seas has returned to his domain, sailing through the ceaseless storm by his lonesome once again.

And of course, with the silly voices growing ever so loud in my head, motivasi gue untuk menulis sudah kembali ke kondisi yang prima. Not necessarily the best of things semenjak, yah, di balik motivasi gue menulis, di sana ada hati yang tidak tenang. But heyo, enough of the needless exposition, let's get on with the yearly recap. It's like Spotify Wrapped, but instead of what songs I listened to, it's a list of all the sufferings I endured throughout the year and the mental illnesses that resulted by the end of it.

I exaggerate, ada juga kok hal-hal menyenangkan dan menarik throughout the year. Though yes, they are overshadowed, to put it lightly, by... well, everything else.

The year of our Lord two thousand and twenty-three proved to be none but a sequel of 2020. A year filled with uncertainties, a year of losing the self once more. You might be thinking, "Hey wait a minute moron, you said it was a 'trilogy' and the title implies that this year is 'Twenty Twenty part three', but ain't there four years since 2020?"

Which, to that, I say you are correct, but shut the fuck up.

Out of the four years, 2021 was actually good. SO good, in fact, that it can be seen from the number of entries that I posted on this blog, or lack thereof. A grand total of one (1) entry was posted throughout the entire year. The well of creativity from whence these nonsensical strings of words come was beyond dried out in 2021.

Okay, so 2023.

If there's a main theme that could be associated with the year, it is most certainly;

"Loss."

And no, I'm not talking about the | || || |_ loss, I'm talking about it in the most literal sense.

I think in terms of losing, this year presented me with plenty of them, in more ways than one.

I should've known. Nothing good comes for free. The respite I had earlier in the year was exactly that, a respite. 

"A short period of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant."

For how brief it was, the cost was astronomical.

Well, let's just go through some of said losses, shall we?

Basketball.

Di tahun ini, gue ikut dua turnamen basket. Satu merupakan turnamen antar-perusahaan, satu lagi merupakan turnamen 3x3 yang gue ikuti dengan teman-teman gue. Turnamen antar-perusahaan yang lebih pahit rasanya. We went through to the semi-finals, lost, and had a third-place game, which we lost as well. Pertama kalinya gue merasa semangat kompetitif gue membara. I was shouting at my teammates, giving it my all, tapi sayangnya gak cukup. The 3x3 one we lost in the first match, and my friends and I were perfectly aware of how little practice we had coming into the tourney so, heyo. It is what it is.

Gak cuma itu, dari sisi basket, basket mingguan yang gue ikutin, the ABC (Alumni Basketball Club), while not entirely lost or stopped, yang ikutan rutin main semakin sedikit. Terutama di paruh kedua tahun 2023, banyak anak-anak yang merupakan "alumni" beneran yang tidak bisa ikut karena kesibukan sendiri. The games got less competitive and with less people, walaupun jadinya lebih banyak main, kita jadi lebih cepet capek, jadi dua jam sewa lapangan tidak terlalu efektif. Alhasil, by December, basket yang tadinya diadakan tiap minggu was minimized into once every two weeks. Untungnya, gue dan "sahabat alumni" lainnya masih banyak yang mau main di situ, jadi kelihatannya mulai tahun depan harusnya kembali normal, walaupun yang ikut bukan "alumni."

Tahun ini gue juga kehilangan banyak kucing-kucing. In my neighborhood, tidak sedikit adanya kucing liar, dan terkadang somehow they would end up in my front porch. Keadaan mereka juga beragam, kadang ada yang masih kecil, ada yang sudah dewasa, ada yang sehat, ada juga yang sakit. This year I lost three cats. Ocit, a boy just short of one year old, orange coated. Dia jatuh sakit dan saat gue bawa ke vet, it was too late. Dokternya bilang udah gak terselamatkan and all he could do was ease his pain dengan suntik anesthesia. I buried him in my backyard. The second one, Minnie, juga jatuh sakit. Cewek, brown coat, dan masih kecil, mungkin belum sampai 6 bulan. She took off from home before I could take her to the vet, tapi saat dia pergi kondisinya sudah sangat buruk. I hope she's in a better place now. Yang terakhir, Jiro, a boy, a little over a year old, sudah di rumah gue cukup lama juga. Dia mengidap suatu penyakit syaraf yang membuat kaki belakangnya susah dipakai. Semakin lama, penyakitnya semakin parah, sampai pada akhirnya he was paralyzed all throughout. He couldn't swallow food, he couldn't drink water. I tried my best to help him, but he finally took his last sleep in November. I buried him next to his brother, Ocit. I hope they're all cheerfully playing together.

Adulting that led to friendships growing apart, itu juga terhitung sebagai kehilangan kan? I lost a few friendships this year. Okay, "lost" might be a bit too extreme an expression, but, even so, that is exactly what it feels like. A "loss", even though they are still here and they are still my friends, but due to circumstances, the friendship is no longer what it used to be. Which, I guess is only natural. Not to mention, I have also made new friends, even have a new friend group from basketball so... I guess it wasn't all that bad. Though I wish I could also still get in touch with my old friends, but heyo.

Finally, and I guess the heaviest loss, were... breakups. It's a little too long to explain in details how everything happened, but all I could say is that this one probably had the biggest effect on me. A catalyst for what I have become now.

Ummm what else do I have to talk about?

I dunno, I guess just to get the sentimental things out of the way, I have this bad habit of "pretending not to care or remember stuff." When in reality, I remember a lot of stuff, like, down to a tee. Minor details that would've otherwise been forgotten by others, important dates, birthdays, anniversaries, first meetings, all of those I remember vividly. But I feel like people would look at me weirdly if I showcase that fact, which is why often times I feel like I have to act like I don't remember certain stuff. But I am cursed with good memory, and as much as people revere "nostalgia" as some sort of gift, I cannot help but feel the other way about it.

Apa lagi ya? Oh, I guess there was that one time abis tanding turnamen antar-perusahaan, gue pulang naik grab dan dapet supir yang seumuran dan talkative. I don't usually enjoy small talks with taxi drivers, but he left a big impression on me. He talked about life, work, money, and so many other things that are somewhat relatable. Mungkin karena umur kami juga masih relatif berdekatan, jadi masih nyambung ngobrolnya. But there was one particular topic that stuck with me the most.

"Kita tuh emang hidup harus ambisius mas," kata si supir. We were talking about our goals, and what we envisioned what our future will be like.

"Betul sih, tapi gue ngerasa ambisi kadang-kadang harus hati-hati juga. Orang kan suka lupa daratan dan ujungnya bukan ambisi, tapi lebih ke delusi."

"Hmm gue ngerti sih, tapi gue ngerasa, untuk bisa berambisi emang lo harus delusional. Itu menurut gue ya."

Gue diem.

Bener juga ya.

During my teenage years, I was the most ambitious person I knew.

"I wanted to be the first Indonesian to ever play the NBA!"

Gue inget banget, gue pernah ngomong gitu ke sahabat gue saat SMP. Hindsight is 20-20, it's easy for the current me to say that what I had was nothing short of a delusion. Tapi di saat itu, delusi tersebutlah yang udah membawa gue ke titik di mana gue berada sekarang. I didn't achieve my dream per se, hell I didn't even make it to an American college like I wanted to, tapi tetep aja, it wasn't all that bad. I went to Japan for college, I got to experience living away from home and having to actually work to survive. A taste of the real world, a taste of a different culture, all because a dumb kid thought he could make it to the big leagues. I even got to know many people, pertemanan yang tidak akan gue punyai kalau gue tidak punya delusi tersebut. All in all, though I didn't achieve the initial dream, what I got in return is still a net positive.

I feel like a teenager again. In my big age of twenty five, the year where supposedly my frontal lobe is completely developed, it feels like life had just started for me. Aneh sih, tapi sepertinya gue memang late bloomer. For me, this year was packed with a lot of things that a normal teenager would go through. And well, dengan mendengarkan perkataan dari supir Grab tadi, I'm convinced that this really is my second teenagehood.

And I guess I am much too idealistic and stupid. Gue gamau lagi kehilangan, tapi gimana ya. Kenapa sih beranjak dewasa harus kayak gini? Is it too much to ask that I could always be a part of their lives? Be a constant to those whom I truly care about? Gue ngerasa kayak Kotaro (from Kotaro Lives Alone), where he dreams of having everyone he cares about live in the same big castle. He is four years old, I know, but still. If it were up to me, that is exactly how I would want things to go.

Lastly, I just wanna say, this plotline is one that I am highly, highly familiar with. Hits juuust a little too close for any sort of comfort, almost a carbon copy one might even say. 

Yup. This is legit just 2015 all over again. 

Hey Man Upstairs, have You run out of ideas? Are Your writers still on strike? What in heaven's name are You even doing up there Man, c'mon You're better than this. This is the final part of the trilogy, the big closing act, the climax, You should at least put some effort into it. Reusing an old plot with different characters, different sets of circumstances, different plot devices if You will, but if you strip them all down it's just the same thing. You think I wouldn't notice? You can't fool me. I'm onto You. I have a fully developed frontal cortex now, nothing goes past me unnoticed. Not even Your shenanigans.

The year is ending on a weird note. I feel almost brand new, but... not the kind that is necessarily good. I've mentioned many a time about not feeling like myself, wanting to be the me of old, to be the me who I once was, the me who I deemed "better", but I don't think that's possible anymore. I feel like that version of me has all but expired. Not one cell remains of that version of me and I don't know who I am anymore. I don't feel like "me". Maybe I'll get used to it as time goes, but man I feel like I'm in a limbo. 

I feel like someone had done a switcheroo while I wasn't looking. Nothing is familiar, like a new soul in an old body. It feels like I've crossed a line and I can't go back, for better or worse. There's only one way forward, and forward I shall walk. It might not necessarily be a good thing, but it is who I am now. It is what I am. And I have no other choice but to embrace it.

I want to forget 2023, hell everything from 2020 if possible. Take a chunk of my thalamus or hippocampus or whichever part of the brain holds all these unwanted memories and throw it in the trash where it belongs. Until such feat is possible, I shall live on. Despite everything.

Here's to another year, huh? To the first year with a fully developed frontal lobe. I hope those who I met this year stay around for the next. And the years after.

-R