On the Brink of Falling Asleep

https://wifflegif.com/gifs/136337-pixel-art-sleeping-gif

I find the best time to write to be these two situations:

1. The moments in between, the downtime, or what have you (for me, commute home from anywhere, especially when it's nighttime).

2. When I am near collapse after a long day.

Number one is especially potent, as thoughts tend to race inside my head during those moments in between. Sadly, these moments come and go relatively quickly, and not to mention I usually am so deep in it that I wouldn't even think about doing anything but. Writing down my thoughts on the notes app would just serve as a distraction, let alone actually opening a laptop. But I find myself indulging in these moments more often as of late. My commute isn't exactly a long one, but enough for my brain to start forming thoughts that are against my will. 

Number two I find to be more convenient, but I'm encountering it less and less over time. Ever since my twenty-fifth birthday, I have found it increasingly difficult to stay up past 11PM. Whenever these pair of eyes get heavy, I just succumb to the ailment of sleepiness and go straight into dreamland. Hell, it's 9.41PM as of writing this and I am putting my all to keep typing. But back in my younger days, these moments are highly productive. As proven by my track record of nonsensical ramblings on this blog. Though the thoughts are a lot less potent and often disturbed by the fact that I am fighting for my life to keep my consciousness about, it is much easier to write down due to the fact that I am already comfortable on my bed. And boy, do I be contemplating the shit out of my life.

Sometimes, they are more random and scattered pieces of thoughts that have little significance, just random blasts of neurons rushing through my pink noodle.

But more often than not, these thoughts end up revealing things I would not have realized about myself.

For someone awfully quiet, I am awfully pretentious, aren't I? Or maybe that's not contradictory at all, maybe a lot of quiet people have a tendency to be as pretentious and narcissistic as I am.

It's crazy, isn't it? How I am so painfully aware of my own shortcomings and yet, I do absolutely nothing about them. I simply live with that knowledge, but I never took any active steps to change. Or at least that's how I felt, living with my thoughts and body and perspective and all.

A close friend of mine has been recommending outside help as it may provide some answers, answers that have eluded me for the longest time. Or maybe it's the other way around? Answers that I have eluded for the longest time. Maybe I've figured it all out all along and I've just been refusing to see it. After all, the nose is right between the eye, yet the brain pretends and persists that it's not there.

I'm not too keen on the idea of getting outside help, though. I won't lie, I've been considering it myself, but it just doesn't feel like it would tell me anything I haven't been told.

Curiously enough, pain and turbulence remain the main driver of my life. Like living from paycheck to paycheck, I live from pain relief to pain relief. I do not learn unless it completely bends me to the very limit, near breaking point. It's like I'm moving on the Penrose stairs. Just constantly on a loop, not on a downward spiral, or upward. An endless cycle of self-sabotage and pain relief. Like a drug addict, constantly fiending for the next hit, and suffering in between.

Credit: Luziyan on Folioscope

Fuck, man. I gotta lock in one way or another or else I'm gonna be stuck in this hellhole for my entire life and I'll have no one to blame other than myself.

It's been a long ass week, in case you couldn't tell. And my weekend's already about to end, just like that. Haven't even had the time to breathe, it feels like.

Basketball today didn't hit as hard as I wanted, too. The group's been lacking competitive spirit as of late, but I mean that is to be expected when you play with a lot of new guys. The old ones're kinda whittling away one by one for some reason. I mean, I foresaw this happening long ago that it will eventually come to this, but man, it still sucks to see in realtime. One day I'll have to come to terms that people grow up, people move on, my friends included. My friends, who've had more than enough time to find themselves and shit, all seem to be doing just fine accepting this bitter fact. I, on the other hand, only just figured out what life is like outside of my room. I still want to venture into the unknown with my friends, see horizons anew.

FUCK man. God fucking damn it.

I really want to bend reality to my will.

Why must "reality" be so boring. I've had enough of finding beauty in the mundane, I wanna live like there's no tomorrow, every day, with no repercussions.

I really need some growing up to do, don't I?

If anyone has the experience, do let me know. I need an apprenticeship for this whole "being an adult" debacle. Mortgage? Marriage? Running a business? What's next, having a pension fund? Having kids?? Come on man.

Why must life go so fast?