Foreboding Phantasia
The church bells chimed loud. Accompanied by the sunlight slipping through the curtains, the eerie melody of "Sakura" pried my sleepy eyes open. I was finally awake, slightly cursing whoever's in charge of that supposedly sanctified establishment. I got up, sat by my bedside, and gave my body a good stretch.
Layaknya anak muda abad ke-21, gue langsung meraih smartphone untuk mengecek waktu. September 19th, 7:03. It's been two weeks now I've been sleeping at 10 and waking up at 7. Gue merasa kayak anak SD lagi. This summer's really been a whole new experience, moving into a new room, juggling two part-time jobs. I guess it's only fitting, since it is my final summer here in Japan after all.
Out of habit, I scrolled down on my phone, and what do you know. I had missed a notification. From Gmail, it was, received yesterday at around 4PM. Weird, I don't usually miss any notifications. Why? Because I hardly get any, especially not in the morning. Those good morning texts are none but a distant memory now. Wuidi gilak, dramatis banget.
Probably was so tired after work that I didn't properly check my phone, I figured. I vaguely remember getting home, showering, eating dinner, and going to bed straight after. I guess my fatigue got the better of me.
Langsunglah gue buka notifikasi tersebut.
Langsunglah gue buka notifikasi tersebut.
PROGRAM OFFER.
Hoh. Apa pula ini, program MLM baru?
Luckily, I did not somehow get roped into a fraudulent pyramid scheme. It was an offer for an English teaching job, one which information session I attended (I talked about it here), and it seems like they were recruiting for "leaders", as they call it. It was a two-day "intensive" English camp program held here in my city, Beppu, on October 8th and 9th. They pay pretty well. Not too well, but for what it's worth, teaching English to a bunch of 11th graders from a private school in Osaka? I think it was pretty good.
It was nice to finally get this email. It had been a month, perhaps more, after I attended the info session and signed up to their database and everything, from which I received no notifications, no confirmations, nothing, regarding the whole matter. I thought maybe the database messed up, or maybe I didn't click submit, or maybe they didn't accept lowly peasants with a sub-100 IQ that could barely speak proper English, but heyo that didn't seem to be the case at all. Guess patience really bids well after all, huh.
I opened said email, read it through and through, and pondered whether or not I should take up the offer. The day of the program overlaps with my regular part-time job, which means I get to skip work for what essentially is another work, but a less laborious one (or so I thought) plus it's a new experience, and that's a win in my book. However, that would mean I'll have to phone the admin office to cancel my shift, which doesn't sound like that much of a chore, but boy for a hermit like me, that's basically a nightmare in and of itself.
Against my better judgment, I decided to sign up for the gig anyway. I reckoned hey, I'm in my potentially final semester, haven't done much in my four years here, might as well do new stuffs while I still have the chance, right? So I filled up the Google form and called up the office to cancel my shift, which, in hindsight, was a bit of a premature move on my part because if I didn't get the teaching gig, I'd lose a whole day's worth of money. Nonetheless, I did it anyway. I mean, I was kinda excited to be honest, this final semester's really got me goin', I was willing to roll the dice for once, nothing wrong with that, right?
Fast forward to September 26th, supposedly the day of the acceptance announcement. I waited, waited, waited, but no email came. Ah well, so it goes. It wasn't the end of the world, not like I really wanted to go anyway. It would've been nice, of course, but I didn't make a big deal out of it. Sundown came, and off I went to the local drugstore to do some shopping. I was hoping to get my hands on some eggs, chicken nuggets, and, most importantly, discounted breads, baby. Oh man, as a struggling overseas student, the discounted bread aisle is pretty much equivalent to heaven on earth. There is no joy that could even come close to seeing those yellow stickers on soon-to-be-expired breads, ecstasy at its purest form.
It was during this journey to the drugstore that my phone rang, and what do you know. Lo and behold, it was another Gmail notification.
ACCEPTED
Ah. Hm. Okay. Well. Right. This is great.
For once, things are actually going my way. Not gonna lie, seeing the word "accepted" in all caps made me feel overjoyed. Perhaps a little too overjoyed, getting the acceptance and the prospect of eating discounted bread all in the same night? This was surely too much for one man to handle. It was at least enough for me to let my guard down. For a moment, I was unsuspecting of The Man Upstairs. For a moment, I didn't see he was plotting another one of his divine pranks on me. Unwise, of course, but The Man truly knows his way around me, even with my guard up, I doubt I could stay clear of all his sinister schemes. The email demanded a confirmation reply by the 28th, but I didn't think twice and did it right away. The rest of the email is pretty much the same, just the general information of the program, but no details were attached just yet.
October 5th. Three days prior to the program.
I am in pain.
What have I gotten myself into.
Teaching? Leading kids I've never met before to do things? What the hell was I thinking?
The details of the event had finally arrived. I did not know they'd only send the nitbits three fricking days before the event. It was my first time, and turned out there was more to prepare than I had anticipated.
On top of the emotional preparation I had to do, two presentations were required, one about my home country, sort of an introduction type thing, the second is about "life decisions & priorities", because the camp theme was based around "future careers".
Now, these don't sound like much, I could probably finish both in less than a day, but the amalgamation of juggling two jobs (three, if counting this teaching thing), overthinking, and just outright disastrous level of procrastination, I ended up not finishing either presentations.
Yes, I know, my teaching career is off to a marvelous start.
October 7th, the night leading to the day of the event.
I have given up.
I was actually thinking of bailing out altogether, though my guilty conscience wouldn't let me. Plus, if there is one thing my mama taught me, it's the importance of commitment, and I ain't planning to bail on my mama's wisdom. Even so, I was anxious the whole night long. This teaching gig is going to be my demise, I thought to myself.
Despite all that, I managed to sleep quite soundly. The initial plan was to wake up early, work on the presentations, and go to the prep meeting, hopefully on time. What ended up happening was I woke up late and had no time to work on the presentations. Tamatlah riwayat saya. This is it, this is going to be where I am put to shame and can never show my face in public ever again.
However, the fact that I haven't finished the presentations wasn't the only thing that felt a little... off. I could sense something's coming up, a premonition, if you will. One I couldn't quite pinpoint.
Regardless, holding on to my commitment, I got up and readied myself for whatever's going to happen. The prep meeting starts at 1PM, and the venue, the B-Con Plaza, perhaps the largest conference hall building in Beppu, is 30 minutes walking distance away. It was 12.15 by the time I finished showering and everything, so I wasted no time and took off. I could've taken the bus, but at the time, well, let's just say my wallet was nothing more but a piece of ornament, so that option was out of the window.
It was an uphill walk, thankfully it was October, the sun had gone a tad tamer and the temperature was a bit cooler, so it wasn't too much of a struggle. I arrived at the location a few minutes early, a little sweaty but not to the point where I emitted a hostile odor. The place is actually one I'm pretty familiar with, since almost all big university events are held here, like the entrance and graduation ceremonies. It's a modern architecture that stands out in this rustic town, mostly covered by enormous frameless glass and silver steel beams, giving it a sleek and clean look. Not to mention the ever so grand Global Tower standing right next to it, the tallest building in the whole town, a towering insignia of technology and modernity, of how no place can escape their reach, especially here in The Land of the Rising Sun.
As I made my way to the prep meeting room, I could feel my stomach churning. Even though most of the leaders are going to be from my university, I was sure that I know exactly none of them. As I entered and scanned the room, that presentiment was proven correct. There was only one, one, person that I know, Seba, a South African girl I work with at the ramen job that actually told me about this whole teaching stuff. She was the facilitator of the program, which basically means she's the "big boss" for that particular event. Unlike the leaders, she was more in charge of the behind the scenes and less in actually dealing with the students.
She was a little preoccupied but saw me coming in, gave a little smile and a wave, and after I returned the gesture, returned to whatever business she had.
Seeing that everyone had their own little nametags, I went to the front table, presumably the "office people that runs the event" table, and looked for my own. And there it was. "Rory", with my country's name and flag under it. I took the nametag, looked for the nearest unoccupied chair, and took a seat there. Once more, I scanned the room, just scraping the bottom of the barrel at this point, hoping there's someone that I'm at least acquainted with, or not even that, just finding a fellow countrymen would be nice.
That, right there, was when I first saw...
Her.
Sesaat gue melihat dia di sudut mata gue, ada perasaan yang tidak bisa dijelaskan dalam diri gue.
Oh ternyata gue pengen beol. Sudah tiga hari gak keluar.
Awalnya, mata gue tercantol ke dia karena gue mengira dia orang Indonesia. Profilnya, menurut gue, mencentangi semua yang diperlukan untuk masuk dalam kategori "orang Indo", atau seenggaknya Asia Tenggara. Tapi, biasanya anak-anak Indonesia kampus gue kan hobi ngumpul bareng, kok gue gak pernah liat dia di koloni anak Indo manapun? Mungkin dia anak tahun pertama? Eh, tapi walaupun anak tahun pertama, koloni Indo biasanya sangat menonjol, karena pertama, gue ngerti saat mereka ngomong Bahasa, dan kedua, mereka memang cukup berisik, dan kalo pun ngobrol dalam bahasa Inggris, biasanya aksennya sangat kentara. Kesimpulan yang gue tarik adalah dia bukan orang Indo, tapi mungkin masih dari negara di area Asia Tenggara.
Tebakan gue setengah benar, karena setelah nyolong-nyolong liat ke arah dia, gue akhirnya bisa liat bendera yang tergambar di nametag-nya. Terlepas dari penampilannya, ternyata dia gak cuma bukan dari Indonesia, dia juga bukan dari negara Asia Tenggara. Dia dari Asia Selatan. Lebih spesifiknya, India. Eh, salah, bukan India, tetangganya. Tetangganya India. India melipir ke kanan. Dikit. Negara apa itu? Kalian tebak sendiri. Ya, blog gue sekarang merangkap blog pengetahuan geografi.
Gue mencoba membaca nama yang tertera di nametag tersebut, tapi apa daya, dia duduk di seberang ruangan, dan gue cuma bisa liat huruf pertama dari namanya, sebuah 'M'.
Saat gue pindah dari nametag ke wajahnya, gue terkaget, karena gue mendapati dia sedang melihati gue, atau seenggaknya ke arah di mana gue berada, dan pandangan kami bertemu. Gue panik, tapi kalo buang muka bakal ketauan banget, jadi pura-pura aja lagi ngawang dan ngeliat ke arah dia, tapi not directly at her, jadi ya kayak orang goblok aja gue ngeliatin tembok dan langit-langit di belakang dia. Setelah situasi aman, I took another glimpse of her face, karena gue bener-bener penasaran, ini orang gak salah dari negara itu? Mungkin salah cetak kali ya? Kok ga ada satu pun ciri khas atau stereotip tampang Asia Selatan yang keliatan?
Setelah beberapa kali curi-curi pandang, bukannya terjawab, yang ada gue malah makin bingung. Gak cuma itu, gue juga pelan-pelan merasa...
Parasnya semakin lama semakin menarik?
Mungkin efek belom makan seharian, mungkin efek ngeliatin tembok kelamaan, atau mungkin efek jomblo kelamaan, entahlah, tapi sepanjang briefing, gue jadi susah konsentrasi, karena mata gue bagaikan besi yang ketarik magnet. Tiap Seba mencoba menjelaskan detil-detil dari program tersebut, gue sibuk sendiri, selalu mencoba melirik 'M' tanpa kepergok sama orangnya.
Entah apa atau kenapa, tapi ada sesuatu dari dia yang sangat memikat di mata gue.
Rambutnya disanggul, hitam kecoklatan berkat cat rambut yang sudah mulai pudar. Dia memakai kacamata bulat berbingkai tipis, warna emasnya mengilap megah. Ukuran bingkainya yang kelihatan terlalu besar membuat wajahnya tampak mungil dan menawan. Disertai kemeja putih bercorak lengan pendek yang dimasukkan ke dalam celana jeans dan sepatu casual a la converse, man oh man, no words would ever do it justice.
It's weird, because you'd argue what she was wearing was super simple, downright plain and ordinary, but I dunno, a lot of the other female leaders were wearing extremely extravagant pieces of fashion. Bright colors, flashy high-heeled shoes, snazzy designs, all these only made her simplicity feel all the more elegant. The subtlety of her presence was eye-catching.
Setelah briefing soal rundown selesai, lanjutlah ke topik berikutnya, yaitu memilih aktivitas icebreaking apa yang akan kami lakukan nanti di awal program. Beberapa leader mengajukan ide mereka, dan salah satu yang akhirnya kepilih was basically like, you know the musical chair game? The basic premise is like that, but without the music and the chair. Instead, we go around the room, dan selang beberapa detik, satu leader akan kasih nomer, dan kami harus bikin grup dengan jumlah orang sesuai nomer tersebut, dan orang yang gak dapet grup kalah. Karena ada beberapa leader baru yang belum pernah main icebreaking game ini, jadilah kami tes beberapa ronde. At certain points, gue dan M berada di satu grup yang sama, at one point, we even stood next to each other. She's taller than I thought. Not like LeBron James tall, but still. You have no idea how hard I tried to keep my cool.
Long story short, kami akhirnya dibagi-bagi berdasarkan grup yang akan kami tangani. Gue dapet grup besar 3, sedangkan dia kalo gak salah grup besar 6, yang berarti kami gak akan banyak berinteraksi sepanjang program. Prep meeting selesai, dan kami punya sekitar 30 menit untuk menyiapkan apa pun yang belum siap. Seba pun akhirnya datang menyapa gue, properly this time, dan gue pun melakukan hal yang sama. Gue juga bilang lah ke dia, presentasi belom kelar. Untungnya, presentasi mengenai "future careers" itu untuk besok, jadi gue masih bisa ngerjain sesudah hari pertama kelar. Lain halnya dengan presentasi tentang negara gue, Indonesia, yang akan menjadi presentasi pertama di hari itu. And just my luck, ada orang Indonesia lain selain gue, dan Seba bilang gue bisa pake presentasi orang Indo tersebut untuk kali itu.
Just like that, masalah gue kelar. All that overthinking for nothing, who would've thought.
Dengan begitu, dimulailah program hari pertama.
My group consisted of eight people, empat murid cewek, empat murid cowok, and it's just such a comical group because of how utterly balanced it is. Dua cowok pendiem, dan dua cowok yang lainnya gak bisa diem. Sama halnya dengan yang cewek, dua kelihatan kayak anak sekolahan dan gak ngomong sepatah kata pun, sedangkan yang dua dandanan tebel, pake pakaian yang wah dan keliatan mahal-mahal, dan ngomong juga kayak ibu-ibu arisan. Now, since I'm contractually obligated to not talk about and/or show these kids on social media in any form, I will only say one thing about them; their English proficiency is close to none. Di grup gue, cuma ada satu murid that could somewhat understand what I'm saying, so she's like the mediator between me and the rest of the group, karena gue sebagai leader tidak diperbolehkan menggunakan bahasa Jepang. I mean, I know this is an English camp meant to teach English, but I expected them to understand at least simple English, I mean these are 11th graders. Second-year high-school students, they are (or third, if you're from Howdyland). I tried using the simplest English vocabularies I know, but even so, it was fruitless.
Gue mengira cuma gue aja yang kesusahan dalam membimbing murid-murid tersebut, tapi setelah hari pertama selesai dan gue ngobrol ke leader lain, ternyata mereka juga mendapati kesulitan yang sama. I was kinda relieved, because I thought I was just being an ass of a teacher (which, arguably, I was), but even Seba told us that the students' level of English were "lower than anticipated".
Day one done, I didn't get even a sliver of chance to talk to M. Well, maybe I did, but I just didn't know how to capitalize on them. Anyway, point being, I didn't get a chance to actually talk to her or even introduce myself to her. At a time like this, emotional support was needed and emotional support I got. Sesampainya gue di rumah, I wasted no time texting a close friend of mine, one that I met back in Indonesia during spring break, Cylona.
"Hello. May I talk?", ketik gue, sembari mengerjakan (for real this time) presentasi untuk besok.
"Yessss, kenapa kamu?", dia jawab setelah 37 menit berlalu.
"I had English teaching camp today. And tomorrow, too, actually, but anyway", gue ceritainlah itu soal si M.
"She's kinda cute and I couldn't stop looking at her, probably looked creepy as hell. She might've caught me looking once or twice, I dunno, but I also caught her looking a few times. But again, I dunno she probably, most likely, was just looking at my general direction but not actually at me, gue aja geer", tutur gue.
"Aww that makes me happy to hear"
"Belom slese."
"Hahaha iyaa lanjut lanjut"
I continued, about how we got in separate groups, about one tall, good-looking guy that was in her group and was with her the whole day, and that I didn't know what to do and all this combined made me really want to go take an eternal slumber.
"Errr kok jadi tragis", timpal Cylona.
"Yah well bottom line is I just want this pain to end"
"Ihhhh jangan gitu, gapapaaa. Kan kalian saling pandang gituu, terus mungkin nanti dapet kesempatan buat ngobrol sama doi. Man up and take that opportunity okay, Rowrow?"
Let it be known, I do not approve nor do I consent to having this nickname bestowed upon me, but there is naught I could do. This particular woman is unrelentingly obstinate.
"Okay, first, please stop calling me that. On top of that, itu liat-liatan gue juga gak yakin dia liatin gue, it's really unlikely sih. Probability wise, 1% she was looking at me and 99% she was looking into the distance, which just so happens to be in my direction"
"No, chances are, she noticed you, you've been looking at her like a creep but she wants to know your next move. Trust me, I'm a girl, I don't look at random directions. If someone's looking at me, I can quickly notice it, but then what else should I do? Anyway, congratssss Rory, she'll remember you for that"
"Damn you really gonna make me happy for no reason like that, huh?", I replied, as mixed feelings of joy and worry settled in.
"I'm telling ya the truth, but I mean I'm not her, so I can't tell you what went through her head. Either 'ini orang creep' atau 'ih anjir item manis'", jawabnya, entah maksudnya menghibur atau menghina.
"... alright look, the latter one is highly unlikely, but still, you're somehow equally good at making me both happy and insecure, thanks, I hate"
Setelah selesai dengan presentasi buat hari ke-2, gue berniat langsung tidur, karena program besok mulainya jam 8 pagi. It was probably 10PM, gue sudah berbaring di atas kasur, siap beristirahat. Diem. Mencoba tidur. Sekuat tenaga. Tapi kok gak bisa???
Gue merem. Muka si M nongol. Gue melek, menatap langit-langit, lah kok ada mukanya dia lagi?
Oh ternyata itu mbak kunti. Kamar gue berhantu. Maklum, belom di ruqyah.
It was a dreadful night. I couldn't sleep for the life of me. I tried every possible methods I could think of and found online. Counting sheep, thinking of fantastical scenarios, the 4-7-8 breathing technique, telling myself that I'm not tired and I don't wanna sleep to trick my brain into doing the opposite, nothing worked. Tried listening to music of all genres, from smooth jazz, 2013 house music, Aboriginal didgeridoo, hell, even Mongolian throat singing, but I was still wide awake. Everything just ended with the thought of... her.
Oh. It's that again, isn't it? Ah. I see.
Been a while. Well, no, actually, I haven't lost sleep because of someone before. This is a first. Been so long since that, my brain just malfunctioned completely, eh?
Last time I had a crush of similar caliber was probably Kemari (in case you forgot, hello). Even so, I didn't lose any sleep at all. I didn't see her floating about my room. It was a quick cut and done deal, so what's up with this one? I haven't talked to the person, and I'm already like this?
And sure, I had crushes in between then and now, but none of them came even close to this.
No. No, not this again. Why? Why this? Why her? Why now?
Before I knew it, sunrise came, and not even a second of sleep. Yaudahlah, pikir gue, this isn't my first sleepless rodeo, I'll just have to power through like every other time. Segeralah gue mandi, lalu makan pagi biar gak mati kelaparan di tengah-tengah acara, dan bersiap untuk cabut ke lokasi.
Berakhirnya musim panas dan mulainya musim gugur terasa menusuk pagi itu, karena suhu udaranya sudah lebih sejuk, walaupun matahari cerah bersinar. Gue sampai di B-Con Plaza 15 menit lebih awal, and to my surprise, I was the first to arrive. Unbeknownst to me, the building only opens at exactly 8AM. Here I thought, being in Japan and all, I have to always be at least 10 minutes early to everything. After a little while, akhirnya makin banyak orang yang dateng, and the building was finally opened. Still no sign of M's whereabouts, though, I reckoned she was running slightly late.
Acara baru mulai jam 9, jadi kami punya waktu sejam untuk ya siap-siap atau apapun yang kami perlu lakukan. Gue cuma santai aja di dalem hall tempat acara, karena gue juga udah gak ada lagi yang perlu disiapin. Mau tidur cuma sejam, kurang nendang lah. Not like I could sleep, anyway. Di tengah ngobrol dengan leader lain yang juga dari Indo, datanglah dia, melewati pintu masuk bersama satu temannya.
She looked lively as ever, the sight of her made me forget I hadn't slept. It was petrifying, yet energizing all the same.
Rambutnya kali ini digerai, and, to my surprise, ternyata rambutnya pendek, tidak sampai sepundak. Kok rambut pendek tapi kemaren bisa disanggul? Did she get a haircut? Dia juga memakai kacamata yang sama, kali ini pakaiannya lebih casual dibanding kemarin. Kaus oblong disertai jaket jeans, celana pendek, dan sepatu yang sama. The sight of her probably stunned me for a few good seconds, because I remember could hear my fellow countrymen speaking but I couldn't make out a single word he said.
Should I talk to her now? This is probably the only time I can. I should. No, I shouldn't, aneh banget tiba-tiba ngobrol, I don't even know her name. We're not in the same group. Ah, tapi kalo gue gak ajak ngobrol sekarang, kapan lagi? Ah, tapi dia lagi sama temennya juga, udah lah, I don't wanna be a nuisance at 8AM in the morning.
Gue urungkan niat untuk ngobrol pagi itu, dan menjalani sisa dari program English camp tersebut. The second day went by smoothly, and finally, at 2.30 in the afternoon, the camp was done. And again, I didn't speak a single syllable to M. Sebelum murid-muridnya balik ke hotel, si fotografer sekolah minta foto semuanya bareng-bareng. Leaders, students, the accompanying teachers, everyone. As you could guess, trying to get 300 something people to get together in a photo was not an easy task, plus the photographer's tendency of wanting multiple shots? Yeah, let's just say we had more than enough time to think of a pose.
Di sela-sela inilah gue mulai stres sendiri.
FAK I SHOULD REAAAALLY TALK TO HER NOW. THIS IS PROBABLY MY LAST LAST CHANCE, BY GOLLY COME ON MAN, COMPOSE YOURSELF.
Di sela-sela foto, gue berusaha berdiri lebih dekat dengan si doi. Sedikit-sedikit, gue bergeser, pura-pura disoriented karena banyaknya manusia di ruangan itu, pura-pura sok asik denga leader-leader yang lain, and bada-bing bada-boom, I was standing right next to her. I was finally able to read what's on her nametag. Marlene. It was at the right moment, too, soalnya dia lagi terpisah dari kerumunan orang banyak. Not too far from the whole crowd, but just enough wiggle room for me to do something. So, berlagak sok cool, I said,
"Whew, pretty tiring work, huh?"
Remember what they always say, Aurora. Dibawa asik aja. It's only awkward if you make it awkward.
"Hahah yeah, for a two day's work, it was more tiring than I thought", dia jawab.
Wuih dia jawab.
For someone from South Asia, she doesn't have that stereotypical accent that South Asians have. Not only that, I also noticed that she also doesn't have the stereotypical aroma of a South Asian that could tickle your nostrils from yards away. And that's a huge plus.
Not wanting to end on just that, I continued,
"I know, right? Who would've thunk. Anyhoo, which group were you in?"
"Oh, I'm group 6. What about you?", dia nanya balik.
"I'm group 3. How were they? Did they, like, understand you at all?"
"Yeah no, they're pretty great, actually. I mean obviously they didn't understand everything, but they were pretty active. Was yours not the same?"
"Whaaat? My group could barely understand what I was saying. In fact, I think you got pretty lucky, 'cause I'm pretty sure other leaders have trouble guiding their kids as well"
The conversation went on a little bit more, but soon ran into a halt because the photo session was done. We had to walk the students to the bus and wave goodbye. It was during this time that we got to talking again, and, midway through, I remembered I haven't actually asked her name. I mean, I already knew what it was from her nametag, but I feel like it would be a bit odd if I just suddenly call her by name without her actually telling me first. At the time, we were talking in a group, me, her, and a few of her friends, which funnily enough were all from South Asia (and looked the part). Looking back, I guess it was pretty obvious that she actually is from that region. Not wanting to look obvious, I had to also engage her friends in the conversation, but I really couldn't recall any of their names.
"Hey, so by the way, what's your name again?", tanya gue ke doi.
"I'm Marlene! And... youu... are...", sahutnya, sambil mencoba membaca nametag gue.
"Hm? Oh, yeah, right, this, hahah, it's Rory", gue menjawab sembari menunjukkan nametag.
"Ooh okay Rory from... Indonesia?"
"Haha yep, and... you're from... ?"
Dan dengan segera, Marlene membalik nametagnya, supaya gue tidak bisa nyontek, followed by her saying, in a playful and cheery manner,
"Guess"
Boy, I shit you not, her expression almost made me melt like the Wendy's Chocolate Frosty Waffle Cone® I ate whilst on a Gojek back in 2015.
It was probably just her nature, a little tongue-in-cheek and easy-going, but I mean I was having a mad crush on this person, so that little playful gesture, the little giggle she made, it almost sent me into a deep coma. Banished me to the shadow realm and back. I think the correct adjective for this would be "spellbinding".
Tentu saja, gue udah tau dia dari negara mana, I mean I did saw her nametag. But I gotta play along, don't I? I might be socially impaired, but to just outright deadpan the whole thing and answer correctly right away would just ruin the party. Jadilah gue keluarkan skill acting gue yang tiada dua, dan menjawab,
"Wait, no hang on, what do you mean 'guess'? You looked at mine, that's unfair isn't it?"
"Uh uh, nope, just guess. You'll never get it right, because I'm probably not where you think I'm from"
"Ummm well, okay I know for sure you're not Indonesian. I was going for Vietnam, but you said you're not where I think you're from, and I thought you were from like Southeast Asia"
"Yup, wrong, guess again"
"Errrr pfff I dunno, China?"
"Nopee, not even closee hahaha", she said in glee.
"Okay, wait, let me just see your friend's nametag. OOH okay, so she's from Nepal, so must be from Nepal too, right?"
"Mmmm good guess, but still wrong, you're getting closer though"
Man, I'm good at this, pikir gue.
"Riiight, so you're from somewhere near Nepal. South Asia then... I don't think it's India, because one of your friends right there is Indian, and you two weren't speaking in any Indian dialects"
"Mhm, good logic, good logic"
"That doesn't narrow things down, there's still a lot of countries in South Asia hahaha. Okay, I'm just gonna go for a guess... is it That Country?"
"Oooh you got it! How'd you know?", she exclaimed, finally revealing the front side of her nametag again.
"Hahah yeaa well, I dunno, I just went with the first country that came to mind, really. Guess I got lucky. I must say, you don't look like you're from there at all, though. What's the deal with that?"
Dia pun menjelaskan kalo keluarganya merupakan etnis minoritas di negaranya, itulah mengapa dia gak keliatan seperti orang Asia Selatan yang biasanya mudah dikenali. Dia juga bercerita kalau ibundanya berasal dari India, tapi juga termasuk minoritas, dan karena dinas bapaknya dia juga sempat tinggal di luar negeri, so she's not very fluent in her mother tongue dan lebih fasih bahasa inggris, and she summed it all quite perfectly herself, by saying,
"So yeah, in conclusion, I'm basically a whole mess"
Setelah murid-muridnya pergi, kami kembali masuk untuk debriefing, dan dengan begitu, selesailah acara tersebut. And so did our conversation. Tanpa gue sadari, dia udah pulang duluan. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.
Malamnya, hal yang sama kembali terjadi. Gue tidak bisa tidur sama sekali. I was restless. My body was screaming for rest, but my mind is just refusing to shut down. It was agonizing. You wanna know how bad it was? That night, I cleaned my room and did my laundry at 3am. When I was walking to the rooftop where the laundry area is, my neighbor caught me in the hallway, carrying a bag of stinky shirts and undies. She gave me "that look", and she probably thought I'm a crackhead, and honestly, I don't blame her.
It was a pretty chilly night out, but not enough to warrant any extra layer of clothing. As I got up to the open roof, I put my laundry in the washing machine, and initially wanted to go back to my room and maybe play a few rounds of Smash. But I didn't. I felt like I needed a bit of fresh air, so I stayed on the rooftop. I was jittery, on edge, looking for any sort of outlet, but couldn't. For no reason at all, I started doing one of the Taekwondo routines I used to do way back when. A few moments later, I started shadow boxing. Then, I started doing push-ups. All of a sudden, I was doing somersaults, cartwheels, all those acrobatic stuff I used to do as a kid. I tried everything, but the feeling was still there.
That looming, dreadful sense of longing. Longing to meet her again. Longing to talk to her again.
Longing for... well,
her.
I just wanted it to stop.
Please, someone, anyone, make this feeling stop.
At that point, I was drenched in sweat, but still restless all the same. I gave in. My body then just sorta fell on its own weight, flat on my rear bumper, and I decided to lay down on the cold, concrete floor. It was the first time in a long while, but man, I was still taken aback by it. Just like that time, I took a minute to just slow things down. Just like that time, I just looked at the night sky.
It was a stellar sight to behold.
Time felt so slow, and everything was silent. The crescent moon shines above me, as if mocking, smirking, taking a great deal of satisfaction from this series of emotional turmoil. I paid her no mind, because the stars. The stars were unusually bright that night, ever so vivid, and they calmed me down. I took deep breaths. I cleared my mind. I tried to process everything that's happened in the past couple of days.
What is this? Why do I feel like this? I barely even know her, hell I barely even talked to her, and I'm already acting like this? Am I that severely touch starved? How far gone am I? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill again? Have I reached the point where every girl I talk to is going to be another sappy, woe-is-me story for the blog? No, no I don't think so. I've met a number of people before her, and nothing's come close to this. Is it her? No, it couldn't be her. I dunno. This is stupid. You know what, no. I'm not going to throw any more pity parties, no more rolling around in self-pity, whatever happened, happened. Whatever happens, happens. I might not end up with her, but who cares, I've only got a few months left here anyways, and it's not the end of the world.
And just when I thought my night couldn't get any more unorthodox, a shooting star fleeted, piercing through the crowded sky. That was my first ever shooting star, and I gotta say, it wasn't exactly much of a movie-like scene. It was so quick, it was gone before I could fathom what just happened. Nevertheless, I, of course, followed suit with the common tradition. I made a wish.
Though, perhaps a "wish" isn't the best word to describe it. It was more of a challenge, if anything.
I stood up, looked at the sky, smiled, and murmured,
"This all you got?"
Yes, as much as I'm ashamed to admit it, I do perform a plethora of histrionic acts in my private time. Way more than I'd like to admit.
Not long afterwards, my laundry had finished cleaning my clothes, and they're all clean, fresh, and not stinky. I hung them up on the laundry pole, walked back to my room, and finally called it a night. And that night, I dreamed of her. Just us, talking. Having a genuine conversation. Getting to know each other better.
Nothing more.
Nothing less.
— — —
Well, guess what, after that night, I went sleepless for almost a week straight. So much for emotional strength, huh.
Gak lama setelah itu, setelah berkonsultasi kembali dengan Cylona, gue follow akun instagram Marlene, in hopes that maybe I could chat her up from there. But nothing came to be. Gue sempet mencoba me-reply salah satu story yang dia post, which was an announcement regarding a recruitment session held by the circle she was a part of. Short story short, it... was a train wreck. I don't even wanna talk about it. Just trust me when I say it's bad. Like, not even just bad. It's bad bad.
I then attended said recruitment session. Sesi tersebut dimulai pukul 7.45 malam, sedangkan gue baru kelar kerja pukul 7, jadi apa daya, gue sampai di meeting tersebut terlambat 30 menit, karena jarak dari tempat kerja dan kampus jauh. When I arrived, I didn't enter the room straight away, soalnya gondok banget gue telat setengah jam. I was standing by the door, trying to somehow sneak into the crowd, tiba-tiba dari belakang, ada orang bilang,
"Excuse me"
"Oh, sorry"
It was her. She was getting her bag from inside the room, and then going back out again and into a different room. That was all I got from her that night.
There was another incident, it was after work. Jadi, untuk pulang-pergi, hotel tempat gue kerja menyediakan shuttle bus untuk para pekerjanya, and I was one of those workers. Tempat antar-jemput gue merupakan Beppu Station, which is a 10 minute walk from my house. So I was going off the bus with two of my female coworkers, we were having a chat as we walk through the station, and boy howdy, guess who was there.
Marlene.
Walking the opposite way of where I'm going.
Out with another guy.
It was like a scene out of a movie. Our eyes locked for a good second, but we didn't say a word, or exchange gestures. We just kept walking, at first getting closer, and then farther, farther, and finally apart.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, Instagram menjadi bala buat gue. You know those times when you wish you weren't so inquisitive about something? Or in this case, some-one? Well, I was just going about my day, dan satu hari, gue liat dia posting story di IG. Dia jarang-jarang posting, so of course I opened it. And there she was, lagi nonton sebuah pertandingan sepak bola di kota tetangga, didampingi cowok yang sama dari malam di stasiun.
And yeah. Y'know, heyo, so it goes.
I dunno.
That's all there is to it, really.
Another one in the books, I guess hahah.
Luckily, I did not somehow get roped into a fraudulent pyramid scheme. It was an offer for an English teaching job, one which information session I attended (I talked about it here), and it seems like they were recruiting for "leaders", as they call it. It was a two-day "intensive" English camp program held here in my city, Beppu, on October 8th and 9th. They pay pretty well. Not too well, but for what it's worth, teaching English to a bunch of 11th graders from a private school in Osaka? I think it was pretty good.
It was nice to finally get this email. It had been a month, perhaps more, after I attended the info session and signed up to their database and everything, from which I received no notifications, no confirmations, nothing, regarding the whole matter. I thought maybe the database messed up, or maybe I didn't click submit, or maybe they didn't accept lowly peasants with a sub-100 IQ that could barely speak proper English, but heyo that didn't seem to be the case at all. Guess patience really bids well after all, huh.
I opened said email, read it through and through, and pondered whether or not I should take up the offer. The day of the program overlaps with my regular part-time job, which means I get to skip work for what essentially is another work, but a less laborious one (or so I thought) plus it's a new experience, and that's a win in my book. However, that would mean I'll have to phone the admin office to cancel my shift, which doesn't sound like that much of a chore, but boy for a hermit like me, that's basically a nightmare in and of itself.
Against my better judgment, I decided to sign up for the gig anyway. I reckoned hey, I'm in my potentially final semester, haven't done much in my four years here, might as well do new stuffs while I still have the chance, right? So I filled up the Google form and called up the office to cancel my shift, which, in hindsight, was a bit of a premature move on my part because if I didn't get the teaching gig, I'd lose a whole day's worth of money. Nonetheless, I did it anyway. I mean, I was kinda excited to be honest, this final semester's really got me goin', I was willing to roll the dice for once, nothing wrong with that, right?
Fast forward to September 26th, supposedly the day of the acceptance announcement. I waited, waited, waited, but no email came. Ah well, so it goes. It wasn't the end of the world, not like I really wanted to go anyway. It would've been nice, of course, but I didn't make a big deal out of it. Sundown came, and off I went to the local drugstore to do some shopping. I was hoping to get my hands on some eggs, chicken nuggets, and, most importantly, discounted breads, baby. Oh man, as a struggling overseas student, the discounted bread aisle is pretty much equivalent to heaven on earth. There is no joy that could even come close to seeing those yellow stickers on soon-to-be-expired breads, ecstasy at its purest form.
It was during this journey to the drugstore that my phone rang, and what do you know. Lo and behold, it was another Gmail notification.
ACCEPTED
Ah. Hm. Okay. Well. Right. This is great.
For once, things are actually going my way. Not gonna lie, seeing the word "accepted" in all caps made me feel overjoyed. Perhaps a little too overjoyed, getting the acceptance and the prospect of eating discounted bread all in the same night? This was surely too much for one man to handle. It was at least enough for me to let my guard down. For a moment, I was unsuspecting of The Man Upstairs. For a moment, I didn't see he was plotting another one of his divine pranks on me. Unwise, of course, but The Man truly knows his way around me, even with my guard up, I doubt I could stay clear of all his sinister schemes. The email demanded a confirmation reply by the 28th, but I didn't think twice and did it right away. The rest of the email is pretty much the same, just the general information of the program, but no details were attached just yet.
October 5th. Three days prior to the program.
I am in pain.
What have I gotten myself into.
Teaching? Leading kids I've never met before to do things? What the hell was I thinking?
The details of the event had finally arrived. I did not know they'd only send the nitbits three fricking days before the event. It was my first time, and turned out there was more to prepare than I had anticipated.
On top of the emotional preparation I had to do, two presentations were required, one about my home country, sort of an introduction type thing, the second is about "life decisions & priorities", because the camp theme was based around "future careers".
Now, these don't sound like much, I could probably finish both in less than a day, but the amalgamation of juggling two jobs (three, if counting this teaching thing), overthinking, and just outright disastrous level of procrastination, I ended up not finishing either presentations.
Yes, I know, my teaching career is off to a marvelous start.
October 7th, the night leading to the day of the event.
I have given up.
I was actually thinking of bailing out altogether, though my guilty conscience wouldn't let me. Plus, if there is one thing my mama taught me, it's the importance of commitment, and I ain't planning to bail on my mama's wisdom. Even so, I was anxious the whole night long. This teaching gig is going to be my demise, I thought to myself.
Despite all that, I managed to sleep quite soundly. The initial plan was to wake up early, work on the presentations, and go to the prep meeting, hopefully on time. What ended up happening was I woke up late and had no time to work on the presentations. Tamatlah riwayat saya. This is it, this is going to be where I am put to shame and can never show my face in public ever again.
However, the fact that I haven't finished the presentations wasn't the only thing that felt a little... off. I could sense something's coming up, a premonition, if you will. One I couldn't quite pinpoint.
Regardless, holding on to my commitment, I got up and readied myself for whatever's going to happen. The prep meeting starts at 1PM, and the venue, the B-Con Plaza, perhaps the largest conference hall building in Beppu, is 30 minutes walking distance away. It was 12.15 by the time I finished showering and everything, so I wasted no time and took off. I could've taken the bus, but at the time, well, let's just say my wallet was nothing more but a piece of ornament, so that option was out of the window.
It was an uphill walk, thankfully it was October, the sun had gone a tad tamer and the temperature was a bit cooler, so it wasn't too much of a struggle. I arrived at the location a few minutes early, a little sweaty but not to the point where I emitted a hostile odor. The place is actually one I'm pretty familiar with, since almost all big university events are held here, like the entrance and graduation ceremonies. It's a modern architecture that stands out in this rustic town, mostly covered by enormous frameless glass and silver steel beams, giving it a sleek and clean look. Not to mention the ever so grand Global Tower standing right next to it, the tallest building in the whole town, a towering insignia of technology and modernity, of how no place can escape their reach, especially here in The Land of the Rising Sun.
As I made my way to the prep meeting room, I could feel my stomach churning. Even though most of the leaders are going to be from my university, I was sure that I know exactly none of them. As I entered and scanned the room, that presentiment was proven correct. There was only one, one, person that I know, Seba, a South African girl I work with at the ramen job that actually told me about this whole teaching stuff. She was the facilitator of the program, which basically means she's the "big boss" for that particular event. Unlike the leaders, she was more in charge of the behind the scenes and less in actually dealing with the students.
She was a little preoccupied but saw me coming in, gave a little smile and a wave, and after I returned the gesture, returned to whatever business she had.
Seeing that everyone had their own little nametags, I went to the front table, presumably the "office people that runs the event" table, and looked for my own. And there it was. "Rory", with my country's name and flag under it. I took the nametag, looked for the nearest unoccupied chair, and took a seat there. Once more, I scanned the room, just scraping the bottom of the barrel at this point, hoping there's someone that I'm at least acquainted with, or not even that, just finding a fellow countrymen would be nice.
That, right there, was when I first saw...
Her.
Sesaat gue melihat dia di sudut mata gue, ada perasaan yang tidak bisa dijelaskan dalam diri gue.
Oh ternyata gue pengen beol. Sudah tiga hari gak keluar.
Awalnya, mata gue tercantol ke dia karena gue mengira dia orang Indonesia. Profilnya, menurut gue, mencentangi semua yang diperlukan untuk masuk dalam kategori "orang Indo", atau seenggaknya Asia Tenggara. Tapi, biasanya anak-anak Indonesia kampus gue kan hobi ngumpul bareng, kok gue gak pernah liat dia di koloni anak Indo manapun? Mungkin dia anak tahun pertama? Eh, tapi walaupun anak tahun pertama, koloni Indo biasanya sangat menonjol, karena pertama, gue ngerti saat mereka ngomong Bahasa, dan kedua, mereka memang cukup berisik, dan kalo pun ngobrol dalam bahasa Inggris, biasanya aksennya sangat kentara. Kesimpulan yang gue tarik adalah dia bukan orang Indo, tapi mungkin masih dari negara di area Asia Tenggara.
Tebakan gue setengah benar, karena setelah nyolong-nyolong liat ke arah dia, gue akhirnya bisa liat bendera yang tergambar di nametag-nya. Terlepas dari penampilannya, ternyata dia gak cuma bukan dari Indonesia, dia juga bukan dari negara Asia Tenggara. Dia dari Asia Selatan. Lebih spesifiknya, India. Eh, salah, bukan India, tetangganya. Tetangganya India. India melipir ke kanan. Dikit. Negara apa itu? Kalian tebak sendiri. Ya, blog gue sekarang merangkap blog pengetahuan geografi.
Gue mencoba membaca nama yang tertera di nametag tersebut, tapi apa daya, dia duduk di seberang ruangan, dan gue cuma bisa liat huruf pertama dari namanya, sebuah 'M'.
Saat gue pindah dari nametag ke wajahnya, gue terkaget, karena gue mendapati dia sedang melihati gue, atau seenggaknya ke arah di mana gue berada, dan pandangan kami bertemu. Gue panik, tapi kalo buang muka bakal ketauan banget, jadi pura-pura aja lagi ngawang dan ngeliat ke arah dia, tapi not directly at her, jadi ya kayak orang goblok aja gue ngeliatin tembok dan langit-langit di belakang dia. Setelah situasi aman, I took another glimpse of her face, karena gue bener-bener penasaran, ini orang gak salah dari negara itu? Mungkin salah cetak kali ya? Kok ga ada satu pun ciri khas atau stereotip tampang Asia Selatan yang keliatan?
Setelah beberapa kali curi-curi pandang, bukannya terjawab, yang ada gue malah makin bingung. Gak cuma itu, gue juga pelan-pelan merasa...
Parasnya semakin lama semakin menarik?
Mungkin efek belom makan seharian, mungkin efek ngeliatin tembok kelamaan, atau mungkin efek jomblo kelamaan, entahlah, tapi sepanjang briefing, gue jadi susah konsentrasi, karena mata gue bagaikan besi yang ketarik magnet. Tiap Seba mencoba menjelaskan detil-detil dari program tersebut, gue sibuk sendiri, selalu mencoba melirik 'M' tanpa kepergok sama orangnya.
Entah apa atau kenapa, tapi ada sesuatu dari dia yang sangat memikat di mata gue.
Rambutnya disanggul, hitam kecoklatan berkat cat rambut yang sudah mulai pudar. Dia memakai kacamata bulat berbingkai tipis, warna emasnya mengilap megah. Ukuran bingkainya yang kelihatan terlalu besar membuat wajahnya tampak mungil dan menawan. Disertai kemeja putih bercorak lengan pendek yang dimasukkan ke dalam celana jeans dan sepatu casual a la converse, man oh man, no words would ever do it justice.
It's weird, because you'd argue what she was wearing was super simple, downright plain and ordinary, but I dunno, a lot of the other female leaders were wearing extremely extravagant pieces of fashion. Bright colors, flashy high-heeled shoes, snazzy designs, all these only made her simplicity feel all the more elegant. The subtlety of her presence was eye-catching.
Setelah briefing soal rundown selesai, lanjutlah ke topik berikutnya, yaitu memilih aktivitas icebreaking apa yang akan kami lakukan nanti di awal program. Beberapa leader mengajukan ide mereka, dan salah satu yang akhirnya kepilih was basically like, you know the musical chair game? The basic premise is like that, but without the music and the chair. Instead, we go around the room, dan selang beberapa detik, satu leader akan kasih nomer, dan kami harus bikin grup dengan jumlah orang sesuai nomer tersebut, dan orang yang gak dapet grup kalah. Karena ada beberapa leader baru yang belum pernah main icebreaking game ini, jadilah kami tes beberapa ronde. At certain points, gue dan M berada di satu grup yang sama, at one point, we even stood next to each other. She's taller than I thought. Not like LeBron James tall, but still. You have no idea how hard I tried to keep my cool.
Long story short, kami akhirnya dibagi-bagi berdasarkan grup yang akan kami tangani. Gue dapet grup besar 3, sedangkan dia kalo gak salah grup besar 6, yang berarti kami gak akan banyak berinteraksi sepanjang program. Prep meeting selesai, dan kami punya sekitar 30 menit untuk menyiapkan apa pun yang belum siap. Seba pun akhirnya datang menyapa gue, properly this time, dan gue pun melakukan hal yang sama. Gue juga bilang lah ke dia, presentasi belom kelar. Untungnya, presentasi mengenai "future careers" itu untuk besok, jadi gue masih bisa ngerjain sesudah hari pertama kelar. Lain halnya dengan presentasi tentang negara gue, Indonesia, yang akan menjadi presentasi pertama di hari itu. And just my luck, ada orang Indonesia lain selain gue, dan Seba bilang gue bisa pake presentasi orang Indo tersebut untuk kali itu.
Just like that, masalah gue kelar. All that overthinking for nothing, who would've thought.
Dengan begitu, dimulailah program hari pertama.
My group consisted of eight people, empat murid cewek, empat murid cowok, and it's just such a comical group because of how utterly balanced it is. Dua cowok pendiem, dan dua cowok yang lainnya gak bisa diem. Sama halnya dengan yang cewek, dua kelihatan kayak anak sekolahan dan gak ngomong sepatah kata pun, sedangkan yang dua dandanan tebel, pake pakaian yang wah dan keliatan mahal-mahal, dan ngomong juga kayak ibu-ibu arisan. Now, since I'm contractually obligated to not talk about and/or show these kids on social media in any form, I will only say one thing about them; their English proficiency is close to none. Di grup gue, cuma ada satu murid that could somewhat understand what I'm saying, so she's like the mediator between me and the rest of the group, karena gue sebagai leader tidak diperbolehkan menggunakan bahasa Jepang. I mean, I know this is an English camp meant to teach English, but I expected them to understand at least simple English, I mean these are 11th graders. Second-year high-school students, they are (or third, if you're from Howdyland). I tried using the simplest English vocabularies I know, but even so, it was fruitless.
Gue mengira cuma gue aja yang kesusahan dalam membimbing murid-murid tersebut, tapi setelah hari pertama selesai dan gue ngobrol ke leader lain, ternyata mereka juga mendapati kesulitan yang sama. I was kinda relieved, because I thought I was just being an ass of a teacher (which, arguably, I was), but even Seba told us that the students' level of English were "lower than anticipated".
Day one done, I didn't get even a sliver of chance to talk to M. Well, maybe I did, but I just didn't know how to capitalize on them. Anyway, point being, I didn't get a chance to actually talk to her or even introduce myself to her. At a time like this, emotional support was needed and emotional support I got. Sesampainya gue di rumah, I wasted no time texting a close friend of mine, one that I met back in Indonesia during spring break, Cylona.
"Hello. May I talk?", ketik gue, sembari mengerjakan (for real this time) presentasi untuk besok.
"Yessss, kenapa kamu?", dia jawab setelah 37 menit berlalu.
"I had English teaching camp today. And tomorrow, too, actually, but anyway", gue ceritainlah itu soal si M.
"She's kinda cute and I couldn't stop looking at her, probably looked creepy as hell. She might've caught me looking once or twice, I dunno, but I also caught her looking a few times. But again, I dunno she probably, most likely, was just looking at my general direction but not actually at me, gue aja geer", tutur gue.
"Aww that makes me happy to hear"
"Belom slese."
"Hahaha iyaa lanjut lanjut"
I continued, about how we got in separate groups, about one tall, good-looking guy that was in her group and was with her the whole day, and that I didn't know what to do and all this combined made me really want to go take an eternal slumber.
"Errr kok jadi tragis", timpal Cylona.
"Yah well bottom line is I just want this pain to end"
"Ihhhh jangan gitu, gapapaaa. Kan kalian saling pandang gituu, terus mungkin nanti dapet kesempatan buat ngobrol sama doi. Man up and take that opportunity okay, Rowrow?"
Let it be known, I do not approve nor do I consent to having this nickname bestowed upon me, but there is naught I could do. This particular woman is unrelentingly obstinate.
"Okay, first, please stop calling me that. On top of that, itu liat-liatan gue juga gak yakin dia liatin gue, it's really unlikely sih. Probability wise, 1% she was looking at me and 99% she was looking into the distance, which just so happens to be in my direction"
"No, chances are, she noticed you, you've been looking at her like a creep but she wants to know your next move. Trust me, I'm a girl, I don't look at random directions. If someone's looking at me, I can quickly notice it, but then what else should I do? Anyway, congratssss Rory, she'll remember you for that"
"Damn you really gonna make me happy for no reason like that, huh?", I replied, as mixed feelings of joy and worry settled in.
"I'm telling ya the truth, but I mean I'm not her, so I can't tell you what went through her head. Either 'ini orang creep' atau 'ih anjir item manis'", jawabnya, entah maksudnya menghibur atau menghina.
"... alright look, the latter one is highly unlikely, but still, you're somehow equally good at making me both happy and insecure, thanks, I hate"
Setelah selesai dengan presentasi buat hari ke-2, gue berniat langsung tidur, karena program besok mulainya jam 8 pagi. It was probably 10PM, gue sudah berbaring di atas kasur, siap beristirahat. Diem. Mencoba tidur. Sekuat tenaga. Tapi kok gak bisa???
Gue merem. Muka si M nongol. Gue melek, menatap langit-langit, lah kok ada mukanya dia lagi?
Oh ternyata itu mbak kunti. Kamar gue berhantu. Maklum, belom di ruqyah.
It was a dreadful night. I couldn't sleep for the life of me. I tried every possible methods I could think of and found online. Counting sheep, thinking of fantastical scenarios, the 4-7-8 breathing technique, telling myself that I'm not tired and I don't wanna sleep to trick my brain into doing the opposite, nothing worked. Tried listening to music of all genres, from smooth jazz, 2013 house music, Aboriginal didgeridoo, hell, even Mongolian throat singing, but I was still wide awake. Everything just ended with the thought of... her.
Oh. It's that again, isn't it? Ah. I see.
Been a while. Well, no, actually, I haven't lost sleep because of someone before. This is a first. Been so long since that, my brain just malfunctioned completely, eh?
Last time I had a crush of similar caliber was probably Kemari (in case you forgot, hello). Even so, I didn't lose any sleep at all. I didn't see her floating about my room. It was a quick cut and done deal, so what's up with this one? I haven't talked to the person, and I'm already like this?
And sure, I had crushes in between then and now, but none of them came even close to this.
No. No, not this again. Why? Why this? Why her? Why now?
Before I knew it, sunrise came, and not even a second of sleep. Yaudahlah, pikir gue, this isn't my first sleepless rodeo, I'll just have to power through like every other time. Segeralah gue mandi, lalu makan pagi biar gak mati kelaparan di tengah-tengah acara, dan bersiap untuk cabut ke lokasi.
Berakhirnya musim panas dan mulainya musim gugur terasa menusuk pagi itu, karena suhu udaranya sudah lebih sejuk, walaupun matahari cerah bersinar. Gue sampai di B-Con Plaza 15 menit lebih awal, and to my surprise, I was the first to arrive. Unbeknownst to me, the building only opens at exactly 8AM. Here I thought, being in Japan and all, I have to always be at least 10 minutes early to everything. After a little while, akhirnya makin banyak orang yang dateng, and the building was finally opened. Still no sign of M's whereabouts, though, I reckoned she was running slightly late.
Acara baru mulai jam 9, jadi kami punya waktu sejam untuk ya siap-siap atau apapun yang kami perlu lakukan. Gue cuma santai aja di dalem hall tempat acara, karena gue juga udah gak ada lagi yang perlu disiapin. Mau tidur cuma sejam, kurang nendang lah. Not like I could sleep, anyway. Di tengah ngobrol dengan leader lain yang juga dari Indo, datanglah dia, melewati pintu masuk bersama satu temannya.
She looked lively as ever, the sight of her made me forget I hadn't slept. It was petrifying, yet energizing all the same.
Rambutnya kali ini digerai, and, to my surprise, ternyata rambutnya pendek, tidak sampai sepundak. Kok rambut pendek tapi kemaren bisa disanggul? Did she get a haircut? Dia juga memakai kacamata yang sama, kali ini pakaiannya lebih casual dibanding kemarin. Kaus oblong disertai jaket jeans, celana pendek, dan sepatu yang sama. The sight of her probably stunned me for a few good seconds, because I remember could hear my fellow countrymen speaking but I couldn't make out a single word he said.
Should I talk to her now? This is probably the only time I can. I should. No, I shouldn't, aneh banget tiba-tiba ngobrol, I don't even know her name. We're not in the same group. Ah, tapi kalo gue gak ajak ngobrol sekarang, kapan lagi? Ah, tapi dia lagi sama temennya juga, udah lah, I don't wanna be a nuisance at 8AM in the morning.
Gue urungkan niat untuk ngobrol pagi itu, dan menjalani sisa dari program English camp tersebut. The second day went by smoothly, and finally, at 2.30 in the afternoon, the camp was done. And again, I didn't speak a single syllable to M. Sebelum murid-muridnya balik ke hotel, si fotografer sekolah minta foto semuanya bareng-bareng. Leaders, students, the accompanying teachers, everyone. As you could guess, trying to get 300 something people to get together in a photo was not an easy task, plus the photographer's tendency of wanting multiple shots? Yeah, let's just say we had more than enough time to think of a pose.
Di sela-sela inilah gue mulai stres sendiri.
FAK I SHOULD REAAAALLY TALK TO HER NOW. THIS IS PROBABLY MY LAST LAST CHANCE, BY GOLLY COME ON MAN, COMPOSE YOURSELF.
Di sela-sela foto, gue berusaha berdiri lebih dekat dengan si doi. Sedikit-sedikit, gue bergeser, pura-pura disoriented karena banyaknya manusia di ruangan itu, pura-pura sok asik denga leader-leader yang lain, and bada-bing bada-boom, I was standing right next to her. I was finally able to read what's on her nametag. Marlene. It was at the right moment, too, soalnya dia lagi terpisah dari kerumunan orang banyak. Not too far from the whole crowd, but just enough wiggle room for me to do something. So, berlagak sok cool, I said,
"Whew, pretty tiring work, huh?"
Remember what they always say, Aurora. Dibawa asik aja. It's only awkward if you make it awkward.
"Hahah yeah, for a two day's work, it was more tiring than I thought", dia jawab.
Wuih dia jawab.
For someone from South Asia, she doesn't have that stereotypical accent that South Asians have. Not only that, I also noticed that she also doesn't have the stereotypical aroma of a South Asian that could tickle your nostrils from yards away. And that's a huge plus.
Not wanting to end on just that, I continued,
"I know, right? Who would've thunk. Anyhoo, which group were you in?"
"Oh, I'm group 6. What about you?", dia nanya balik.
"I'm group 3. How were they? Did they, like, understand you at all?"
"Yeah no, they're pretty great, actually. I mean obviously they didn't understand everything, but they were pretty active. Was yours not the same?"
"Whaaat? My group could barely understand what I was saying. In fact, I think you got pretty lucky, 'cause I'm pretty sure other leaders have trouble guiding their kids as well"
The conversation went on a little bit more, but soon ran into a halt because the photo session was done. We had to walk the students to the bus and wave goodbye. It was during this time that we got to talking again, and, midway through, I remembered I haven't actually asked her name. I mean, I already knew what it was from her nametag, but I feel like it would be a bit odd if I just suddenly call her by name without her actually telling me first. At the time, we were talking in a group, me, her, and a few of her friends, which funnily enough were all from South Asia (and looked the part). Looking back, I guess it was pretty obvious that she actually is from that region. Not wanting to look obvious, I had to also engage her friends in the conversation, but I really couldn't recall any of their names.
"Hey, so by the way, what's your name again?", tanya gue ke doi.
"I'm Marlene! And... youu... are...", sahutnya, sambil mencoba membaca nametag gue.
"Hm? Oh, yeah, right, this, hahah, it's Rory", gue menjawab sembari menunjukkan nametag.
"Ooh okay Rory from... Indonesia?"
"Haha yep, and... you're from... ?"
Dan dengan segera, Marlene membalik nametagnya, supaya gue tidak bisa nyontek, followed by her saying, in a playful and cheery manner,
"Guess"
Boy, I shit you not, her expression almost made me melt like the Wendy's Chocolate Frosty Waffle Cone® I ate whilst on a Gojek back in 2015.
It was probably just her nature, a little tongue-in-cheek and easy-going, but I mean I was having a mad crush on this person, so that little playful gesture, the little giggle she made, it almost sent me into a deep coma. Banished me to the shadow realm and back. I think the correct adjective for this would be "spellbinding".
Tentu saja, gue udah tau dia dari negara mana, I mean I did saw her nametag. But I gotta play along, don't I? I might be socially impaired, but to just outright deadpan the whole thing and answer correctly right away would just ruin the party. Jadilah gue keluarkan skill acting gue yang tiada dua, dan menjawab,
"Wait, no hang on, what do you mean 'guess'? You looked at mine, that's unfair isn't it?"
"Uh uh, nope, just guess. You'll never get it right, because I'm probably not where you think I'm from"
"Ummm well, okay I know for sure you're not Indonesian. I was going for Vietnam, but you said you're not where I think you're from, and I thought you were from like Southeast Asia"
"Yup, wrong, guess again"
"Errrr pfff I dunno, China?"
"Nopee, not even closee hahaha", she said in glee.
"Okay, wait, let me just see your friend's nametag. OOH okay, so she's from Nepal, so must be from Nepal too, right?"
"Mmmm good guess, but still wrong, you're getting closer though"
Man, I'm good at this, pikir gue.
"Riiight, so you're from somewhere near Nepal. South Asia then... I don't think it's India, because one of your friends right there is Indian, and you two weren't speaking in any Indian dialects"
"Mhm, good logic, good logic"
"That doesn't narrow things down, there's still a lot of countries in South Asia hahaha. Okay, I'm just gonna go for a guess... is it That Country?"
"Oooh you got it! How'd you know?", she exclaimed, finally revealing the front side of her nametag again.
"Hahah yeaa well, I dunno, I just went with the first country that came to mind, really. Guess I got lucky. I must say, you don't look like you're from there at all, though. What's the deal with that?"
Dia pun menjelaskan kalo keluarganya merupakan etnis minoritas di negaranya, itulah mengapa dia gak keliatan seperti orang Asia Selatan yang biasanya mudah dikenali. Dia juga bercerita kalau ibundanya berasal dari India, tapi juga termasuk minoritas, dan karena dinas bapaknya dia juga sempat tinggal di luar negeri, so she's not very fluent in her mother tongue dan lebih fasih bahasa inggris, and she summed it all quite perfectly herself, by saying,
"So yeah, in conclusion, I'm basically a whole mess"
Setelah murid-muridnya pergi, kami kembali masuk untuk debriefing, dan dengan begitu, selesailah acara tersebut. And so did our conversation. Tanpa gue sadari, dia udah pulang duluan. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.
Malamnya, hal yang sama kembali terjadi. Gue tidak bisa tidur sama sekali. I was restless. My body was screaming for rest, but my mind is just refusing to shut down. It was agonizing. You wanna know how bad it was? That night, I cleaned my room and did my laundry at 3am. When I was walking to the rooftop where the laundry area is, my neighbor caught me in the hallway, carrying a bag of stinky shirts and undies. She gave me "that look", and she probably thought I'm a crackhead, and honestly, I don't blame her.
It was a pretty chilly night out, but not enough to warrant any extra layer of clothing. As I got up to the open roof, I put my laundry in the washing machine, and initially wanted to go back to my room and maybe play a few rounds of Smash. But I didn't. I felt like I needed a bit of fresh air, so I stayed on the rooftop. I was jittery, on edge, looking for any sort of outlet, but couldn't. For no reason at all, I started doing one of the Taekwondo routines I used to do way back when. A few moments later, I started shadow boxing. Then, I started doing push-ups. All of a sudden, I was doing somersaults, cartwheels, all those acrobatic stuff I used to do as a kid. I tried everything, but the feeling was still there.
That looming, dreadful sense of longing. Longing to meet her again. Longing to talk to her again.
Longing for... well,
her.
I just wanted it to stop.
Please, someone, anyone, make this feeling stop.
At that point, I was drenched in sweat, but still restless all the same. I gave in. My body then just sorta fell on its own weight, flat on my rear bumper, and I decided to lay down on the cold, concrete floor. It was the first time in a long while, but man, I was still taken aback by it. Just like that time, I took a minute to just slow things down. Just like that time, I just looked at the night sky.
It was a stellar sight to behold.
Time felt so slow, and everything was silent. The crescent moon shines above me, as if mocking, smirking, taking a great deal of satisfaction from this series of emotional turmoil. I paid her no mind, because the stars. The stars were unusually bright that night, ever so vivid, and they calmed me down. I took deep breaths. I cleared my mind. I tried to process everything that's happened in the past couple of days.
What is this? Why do I feel like this? I barely even know her, hell I barely even talked to her, and I'm already acting like this? Am I that severely touch starved? How far gone am I? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill again? Have I reached the point where every girl I talk to is going to be another sappy, woe-is-me story for the blog? No, no I don't think so. I've met a number of people before her, and nothing's come close to this. Is it her? No, it couldn't be her. I dunno. This is stupid. You know what, no. I'm not going to throw any more pity parties, no more rolling around in self-pity, whatever happened, happened. Whatever happens, happens. I might not end up with her, but who cares, I've only got a few months left here anyways, and it's not the end of the world.
And just when I thought my night couldn't get any more unorthodox, a shooting star fleeted, piercing through the crowded sky. That was my first ever shooting star, and I gotta say, it wasn't exactly much of a movie-like scene. It was so quick, it was gone before I could fathom what just happened. Nevertheless, I, of course, followed suit with the common tradition. I made a wish.
Though, perhaps a "wish" isn't the best word to describe it. It was more of a challenge, if anything.
I stood up, looked at the sky, smiled, and murmured,
"This all you got?"
Yes, as much as I'm ashamed to admit it, I do perform a plethora of histrionic acts in my private time. Way more than I'd like to admit.
Not long afterwards, my laundry had finished cleaning my clothes, and they're all clean, fresh, and not stinky. I hung them up on the laundry pole, walked back to my room, and finally called it a night. And that night, I dreamed of her. Just us, talking. Having a genuine conversation. Getting to know each other better.
Nothing more.
Nothing less.
— — —
Well, guess what, after that night, I went sleepless for almost a week straight. So much for emotional strength, huh.
Gak lama setelah itu, setelah berkonsultasi kembali dengan Cylona, gue follow akun instagram Marlene, in hopes that maybe I could chat her up from there. But nothing came to be. Gue sempet mencoba me-reply salah satu story yang dia post, which was an announcement regarding a recruitment session held by the circle she was a part of. Short story short, it... was a train wreck. I don't even wanna talk about it. Just trust me when I say it's bad. Like, not even just bad. It's bad bad.
I then attended said recruitment session. Sesi tersebut dimulai pukul 7.45 malam, sedangkan gue baru kelar kerja pukul 7, jadi apa daya, gue sampai di meeting tersebut terlambat 30 menit, karena jarak dari tempat kerja dan kampus jauh. When I arrived, I didn't enter the room straight away, soalnya gondok banget gue telat setengah jam. I was standing by the door, trying to somehow sneak into the crowd, tiba-tiba dari belakang, ada orang bilang,
"Excuse me"
"Oh, sorry"
It was her. She was getting her bag from inside the room, and then going back out again and into a different room. That was all I got from her that night.
There was another incident, it was after work. Jadi, untuk pulang-pergi, hotel tempat gue kerja menyediakan shuttle bus untuk para pekerjanya, and I was one of those workers. Tempat antar-jemput gue merupakan Beppu Station, which is a 10 minute walk from my house. So I was going off the bus with two of my female coworkers, we were having a chat as we walk through the station, and boy howdy, guess who was there.
Marlene.
Walking the opposite way of where I'm going.
Out with another guy.
It was like a scene out of a movie. Our eyes locked for a good second, but we didn't say a word, or exchange gestures. We just kept walking, at first getting closer, and then farther, farther, and finally apart.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, Instagram menjadi bala buat gue. You know those times when you wish you weren't so inquisitive about something? Or in this case, some-one? Well, I was just going about my day, dan satu hari, gue liat dia posting story di IG. Dia jarang-jarang posting, so of course I opened it. And there she was, lagi nonton sebuah pertandingan sepak bola di kota tetangga, didampingi cowok yang sama dari malam di stasiun.
And yeah. Y'know, heyo, so it goes.
I dunno.
That's all there is to it, really.
Another one in the books, I guess hahah.
Comments
Post a Comment