Archived Series — "The L-Word"

[Original date of entry: Feb 4, 2017. Posted on my private blog.]

[Changes made: grammatical polishes, minor phrasing changes, cosmetic changes]

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The word worshipped by the mass. The four-lettered word that is both complex and simple in its meaning. Some say it’s a gift that tops it all, some claim the opposite, others say it’s nothing but chemicals. A word that supposedly holds thousands of expressions, a word so pure and sacred that can only be used so many times in our lifetime. Songs have been written, poems recited, books published, movies screened, all of them revolving around this one word.

That’s a bit of a dramatic exposition, don’t you think? I’m getting a hang of this writing stuff.

It’s quite ironic, really, how people put so much value into this one word, yet they throw it around like it’s nothing. On a daily. I was (or am?) guilty of it as well, I used that word way too many times when I was younger, not really aware of how meaningful this word could mean to a person. I mean, as I said, this word’s being used everywhere by everyone to the point where it’s so over-saturated. So yeah, this post is basically my L-word stories and how I came about being more careful on using the word. And also how, to this day, I still don’t know what qualifications are needed in order for people to use that word.

Admittedly, I’ve never had that many actual L-word stories throughout my 18 years of life. I’ve only been in one relationship, which reshaped my whole perspective on the L-word. I’ve never really liked someone so deeply as well. Apart from one person. One person that for some reason, 'til this day, still haunts me, and I don’t know what the reason is. I don’t even know if there’s a reason to begin with. And I also don’t know if this is good or bad. Okay, I’m just rambling at this point.

Right, let’s just set a point to begin with.

Now, if there’s one thing you need to know about my past relationship, it’s that it was set on a shaky foundation. If you’ve read my main blog, you should remember that I wrote things like “I’ve set eyes on her since day one” and all those crap, and I’m here to say that it was nothing but a literary tool (if I can even call it that) to make my writing more interesting and appealing to the readers. To make everything drastically more dramatic. People will always swarm drama, hence I did that. Truth is, I never even noticed her until it became too plain to see that she had interest in me. However, no, I did not go into a relationship simply because it was an “easy catch”, no. 

Well, I don’t know actually. The fact that she liked me first made me like her as well. It’s a rare occasion, someone liking me first. But yeah, I sorta told everyone that “hey, I liked this girl first and actually persevered to finally earn her attention and affection”, where in reality, I didn’t do jack shit and she liked me. Which is why, again, slowly but surely, I became fond of her as well. She liked me for, well, me.

It wasn’t until everyone in our English class isolated the both of us on an island. It was a small class of 6, and one day, four of my classmates decided to force me to sit next to her on the front row, while they all sat at the back. But yeah, even when it was blatantly obvious that something was going on, I didn’t catch a whiff of her liking me immediately. It took me around two weeks or so to finally realize what was going on. Yeah, I know, so much for being the sharpest tool in the shed. 

However, I did have a reason behind my ignorance when it came to this kinda stuff. It wasn’t too long after my two-year-long crush got herself a boyfriend, and I was just too sad that I overlooked the fact that this girl right in front of my face was having a mean crush on me.

After all those awkward English classes and her actually texting me almost daily, we became close friends. Though I wouldn’t exactly call us “friends”, both of us pretty much knew we had mutual feelings for each other. And we spent most of our time during school hours together.

So that all happened towards the end of my freshman year of high school, and after the exams were done, we hung out a couple of times, but one hangout stood out the most. It wasn’t just me and her, of course, some of our friends came as well, thus a "hangout", not a "date". Now, you see, during the long break, she was going to go to Korea for some choir competition shit, so we didn’t have that many days to see each other during the break. On the last hangout I had with her before she went to Korea, I wanted to do something memorable. So I did.

After the hangout, my friend, she, and I took a taxi together. She and my friend lived quite nearby, but not me. Since the hangout area was not one I was familiar with, the plan was for me to tag along in the taxi and be dropped off once I reached somewhere I was more familiar with. Along the taxi ride, my friend called shotgun, which left me and her on the backseat. No, we did not engage in any actions that involved physical contact. But I knew, if I were to deliver something memorable, that there was my chance.

Long story short, we arrived at a place near the entrance of a highway that I know of, so I asked the driver to pull over and drop me off on the side of the road. Building up my courage, I checked my friend up front to see whether he was paying attention or not. He wasn’t, his ears were plugged with his earphones. That out of the way, without thinking any further, I said to her, 

“Hey, you know… I don’t think I like you anymore.”

Her face turned worried, shocked, and perhaps even scared. She didn’t say a word. With enough tension built up, I proceeded to say, 

“I L-word you.” 

... yeap. And just like that, I threw my very first “I don’t know what or how much it means, but I’m gonna say it anyway because I saw it on television and it always worked” L-word.

To think that I said the L-word before I even got into an actual relationship just sounds absurd now. I mean, to my credit, it worked, to say the least, for sixteen months. Until it all backfired at me.

When people asked me, “why did you two break up?”, I can never really answer them. It all happened so quickly, and the experience was so numbing that I didn’t feel the sting until months after the breakup. I remember we were arguing about something through text, and it came to a point where it got pretty bad. Trying to put out the fire, I apologized first, and acknowledged that whatever I said and did were wrong. And I vaguely remember it, but I think all she did was denying all my apologies and my attempt to settle things out.

It was quite late at night and I just wanted it to end. I didn't want to go to sleep with an argument still looming between us, so I proceeded to say what I usually say before going to bed, good night, and of course, the L-word.

Guess what I got in return.

“Don’t say that word if you don’t even mean it.” 

Something inside me snapped. It was as if my heart skipped a beat. Everything around me felt like they were fading, but more real at the same time. I could feel every heartbeat, I could hear every breath, and I could feel every drop of sweat on the back of my neck. I could feel something rushing inside me.

And with no hesitation, I ended the relationship.

In hindsight, I admit, it was the worst way of breaking up, via text. I should’ve at least said it in person. But hey, when emotions took over, you know the deal.

So yeah, that’s done and done. In the beginning, I felt somewhat content with my decision. I felt like it was the right thing to do, I convinced myself that I was happy and that I moved on immediately. Not long after, I had a crush on someone for a very shallow reason, and looking back, it was a horrible mistake. I was in that delusional state where I thought I had moved on, but in reality, I was just desperately trying to emotionally latch on to something, or in this case, some-one, as a distraction, and to prove to myself and everyone that the broke up didn’t bother me one bit.

Of course, in the end, it finally came to me. It was long overdue, but it came. Eight months after the breakup, reality hit me. And it sure packed a heavy punch.

My life went from a high to a new low. I was desperate. I was clawing my way out of a hole of regret. I tried to resuscitate what was basically dead, and there was no one else to blame but me. I tried coming back to her. Alas, the damage had been done, and she, unlike me, had moved on for sure.

Now, here is where things went from atrocious to just straight up “why did I do that, holy fucking shit looking back at that I actually want to snap my own neck if I could”. As mentioned previously, I was beyond desperate. And you know what they say, desperate times call for desperate measures. And that’s exactly what I did.

I tried paving myself a path to get into my 2-year-long crush’s life again. Which, obviously, went absolute poop. I texted her a very long message, saying some melodramatic stuffs that, by God, should not even be legal. I roughly remember it to be something like this, 

“Hey, sorry to bother you, but I just really need to get something off of my chest. You remember back when I asked you to go out with me, and how I said I ‘liked’ you? Well, I was wrong. I don’t think I ‘liked’ you. Well, I did, but a that point of time, I think it has already changed into something more than that. It’s the other L-word (in this message, yes, I actually used ‘L-word’ instead of the actual word). But yeah, I just thought you needed to know” 

I. Am. A stupid. Mong.

First of all, no, she did not need to know any of that, and I’m pretty sure she did not want to know that. She never explicitly said it, but, you know, that’s a fair assumption. Second, at that point, I hadn’t talked to her in almost two years, I think? And the first thing I wrote to her after that long period of time was a whole paragraph about what’s basically me, breaking down, and just flailing my hand, trying to hold on to anything to prevent me from free falling. And third, holy fuck, yes, I’m sorry, but I don’t know why the “I don’t like you, but I L-word you” thing is a go-to line for me. I am not proud of it and I will never use it again, I can tell you that much.

After all the shambles I went through, I finally met a girl on T*nder. There was a spark of romance at the start, but after a while, we both decided that it’s probably not a good idea to take our relationship any further, for many a reason. On top of that, given the current situation, with me studying abroad and whatnot, that is probably the best that could happen. We’re still friends 'til now, don’t worry.

She became quite a close friend of mine in a rather short amount of time. We’ve shared tons of thoughts, stories, and ideas with each other. One of them being the L-word and how it’s slowly becoming an empty word.

She told me stories about how her guy friends throw away the word every single time they try to get with a girl. Another story involved a guy with Wolverine-esque healing factor when it comes to heartbreak. He jumps from one girl to another in a snap of a finger, and every time, he uses the L-word before they were even together. On one hand, I was kinda relieved that I wasn’t the only one, and that I’m not the worst L-word abuser out there. However, her stories did kinda shape my current view towards the oh-so-ambiguous word.

So to segue to the final question I have for myself, the two situations where I used the L-word, were those actually the L-word? 

Honestly, I don’t know.

My bet is that they weren’t actually the L-word, but just from the fact that I’m numb to everything now, after all those sequences of events, I really can’t say.