Archived Series — "What Ifs"

[Original date of entry: Dec 12, 2016. Published on my private blog.]

[Changes made: grammatical polishes, minor phrasing changes, cosmetic changes]

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You see, I've always liked to wonder about the what ifs in life. Not that I can’t move on from the past, oh no, I am definitely over the past. It’s just that, I dunno. There are things that would’ve directed my life into a completely different path compared to what it is now. Of course, like a lot of people, I have quite a lot of things that I'd like to change in my past given the chance, but I'm not hanging on to it. Nothing but a harmless thought provoking question, you feel me?

That being said, out of all those things, there is one thing that, I think, is a major turning point in my life, and I feel like if I didn't take it, I wouldn't be living the life I’m living right now. I would’ve been a completely different person. I might’ve kept my ex-list clean, or maybe even the other way around, my ex-list might’ve been a longer list than it is now. The latter is unlikely, but who knows, right?

What’s that turning point, you ask?

Getting accepted into the acceleration program. Elementary school. Second grade.

I remember, I was in the middle of an ongoing class, when suddenly, someone I’ve never seen before knocked on my classroom door, went in, and talked to my teacher. I didn’t know what she was saying to my teacher, but I knew that it was convincing enough to earn my teacher’s permission to take me out of the class. So that’s what I did, I left the class and followed this mysterious woman. To where?

The Principal’s office.

I was shitting my pants when I realized we were heading towards the principal’s office, because I could’ve sworn I never did anything that warranted me a trip there. I thought about escaping, but I thought to myself, that would only get me into more trouble. So I followed her all the way to the office.

And surprise surprise. The principal wasn’t even there. Instead, there was another lady, well dressed, sitting down behind the desk, expecting me. The lady asked me to take a seat, and explained some things I don’t quite remember. All I remember is her saying things like she’ll be asking questions, and I have to answer them. If I don’t know the answer to her question, I could simply say ‘I don’t know’. I didn’t understand what was going on, what the premise of the whole thing was, but I went along with it anyway. She asked a bunch of baloney questions, considering I was only six years of age. I particularly remember one question that I couldn’t answer, it was “what’s the capital city of Netherlands?”

Bitch, all I knew about the Netherlands was their windmills, and it’s not even because I’ve been there, it’s because of a local bakery that has a novelty windmill on the roof of each and every one of their outlets.

After she was done with the questions, she pulled out these puzzle blocks. She also pulled out a file of papers, and gave me the instructions on what to do.

Basically, I had to arrange the blocks into a specific arrangement/shape that was pictured on the paper. This test was quite easy though, I managed to do the majority of it.

After that was done, she let me out, and I was escorted back to my class by the same woman that escorted me to the principal’s office. I didn’t really know what was going on until I came home and my mom told me why. She said that that day was the last day for the acceleration program acceptance test, and my mom just knew about it... that day.

So I graduated elementary a year early, which means I'd be a year younger than my peers from this point on. In middle school, I was treated differently from the get go, at least that’s how I felt. I wasn’t exactly tall, I actually had a babyface (yeah, I know, puberty fucked me), so yeah. I even had braces on, dear god, how could I forget the braces. But if there's anything life changing from being in the acceleration class, it was meeting a girl that would be my first taste of heartbreak.

I first met my two-year-long crush during this acceleration program. We were classmates from 2nd to 5th grade, and had a stint of puppy crush on her in 2nd grade. Because we were kids, the crush went away, and life went on. It wasn't until 8th grade that she came back into my radar. I was trying to hide the fact that I had a crush on the most popular girl at school, so whenever someone asked me who I liked, this girl from 2nd grade was my cover up. And yeah, the bullet ricocheted and I ended up shooting myself, because what started out as a lie, a simple bait to throw people off the scent, became a very real, long-lasting adoration. 

Now I know this will be slightly off topic, but shortly after my break up, one of my friends told me that “you will never forget your first love. Your first love, no matter what happens, will always look beautiful in your eyes, and whenever she calls for you, you will come”. He said this when we were talking about our exes, and I told him that I was totally over mine and how she’s changed, personality and physical appearance wise. He snapped and said “don’t lie to me dude, don’t lie to yourself either”, and proceeded to say the quoted lines above. It really made me wonder for a while, if his saying is true, how come I don’t feel like my ex is that much special?

And it hit me.

What if she wasn’t my first love?

What if that two year long of a chase wasn’t just a huge crush?

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I also met two of my best friends in 8th grade. They introduced me to basketball. For your information, I hated sports, of any kind. PE was always a nightmare for me, and yet, these two knobheads managed to drag me out of my cave and got me to actually love a sport. And if it weren’t for basketball, honestly, I wouldn’t have made the decisions I had made. If I never started playing basketball, I wouldn’t have been so persistent on getting accepted to an international school. Heck, I wouldn’t have even thought of going to one. I wanted to be able to play basketball in better facilities and subsequently go to an American university to play basketball even more. I had high dreams. I was living in the clouds above. I took myself too seriously, my basketball ambitions were over the top. For the first time in my life, I actually had a passion and ambitions that I wished to achieve.

With sheer willpower and a ton of luck, I got into an international school, though it wasn't all roses and rainbows. I got, and eventually lost, my first ever significant other in this stage. And, surely enough, my high-hopes were never realized.

I’m now lying on my bed, in my shared-house with three of my friends, in a small town in Japan. I know, Japan’s not exactly the United States, but even so, I’m not exactly mad about it. However, if things had gone differently, I might not even be here in Japan. I might still be stuck back at home, not able to speak English, and perhaps writing this in full Indonesian.

What if  didn’t pass the test for the acceleration program? What if my mom never knew about it, and I never took that test in the first place? If I didn’t take that program, I wouldn’t have known my middle school's 2-year-long-crush. If I didn’t take that program, I would never have met my two best, lifelong friends, which means I would never have gotten into basketball. If I never liked basketball, I would never have thought about going to the States, which means I wouldn’t have thought about attending an international school. If I didn’t go to an international school, I would’ve never been with my ex. Even if I did end up going to the international school I attended, my ex would be in the class above me. 

What would’ve happened? Where would I have been? Where would I be right now?

See, these things keep me up at night.