(Never)land

The world that I was born into no longer exists.

The world that shaped me is but a memory faded.

The passage of time is far too strong a torrent for anyone to stop.

Time remains my greatest enemy. I do not know how to make peace with it, nor do I know how to face it head-on. An innocent question from Kingdom Hearts latched onto the very innards of my psyche, planting a seed of fear so deeply rooted that it became a defining trait of mine. Fear of growing old. Fear of the helplessness of it all. Fear of the unstoppable, inevitable, passage of time.

My problem, even after all these years, remains unchanged. Making peace with my past and myself. Many have tried to help, with reassurances in manners akin to "I did not know any better."

But I am unconvinced.

I did know better. I should've done better.

I'd like to think that out of anyone, I know the inner machination of my cerebrum the best. I am constantly self-aware, a little too much for my own liking.

I did know better, and I knew that for a fact.

And yet, I remained unwise. Instead of following my better judgment, I reacted out of the heat of the moment. I do not control my emotions and in turn, it took control of me.

I do not recognize the world around me. Consequently, I do not recognize my own self.

Though recently, I found myself entering a small "pocket" that I had long forgotten. A familiar, comfortable pocket I thought had gone for good. A pocket I never thought would present itself ever again.

I found myself surrounded by old friends.

— —

This year did not feel like its own separate year. It feels very much like a continuation of last year. I mean, yes, on a technical level that's just how time works, but, you get me, don't you? I feel like for most of my life, every year has its own unique feel to it. Different events, different emotional traumas, different friends, different catastrophes, what have you, in essence something that defines that particular year. But this year, this year felt somewhat the same. Granted, I did start a new job in August, and with it came new friends, a new office, a new commute route, but...

Looking back, everything just seems like a blur. I cannot, for the life of me, put a finger on when's when. It's almost like I lived an entire year on autopilot. Everything feels so far off and so near all at once. I've experienced mundanity, no doubt, but this year has got to take the cake.

In the midst of living the big city salaryman dream, came respite. To think that all it took was a few hours to alleviate all of this year's wear & tear.

We talked over dinner, about a myriad of things. What we've been up to, how life's going, and our shared past. Reminiscing about simpler times, a time when we "didn't know any better." Absurd stories that happened in our individual lives.

One particular friend even mentioned that while he and I don't talk too often, he had his own way of ensuring my well-being. It was none other than this piece of shit blog right here.

"If he hasn't posted in a while, that means he's happy, so it's all good."

I never knew.

It was touching. For a while now, this blog has become more of an abyss into which I would metaphorically throw my burdens. Worries, fears, all the things I couldn't express to another human being.

I never thought my friends, old and new, would think about checking this blog, let alone making it a barometer of how I am doing.

Once again, my friends have proven that they are all amazing people, and I am a piece of trash.

Post-high school, I've grown so accustomed to the cold embrace of solitude that I'd forgotten how comforting it is to be in the midst of great company. It is only a moment like any other, fleeting and shortlived, infrequent even, but... 

The warmth lingers.

A warmth that feels alien. A warmth that brought back into life the version of me I had long abandoned, even if only for a brief stint. It wasn't just a meeting with old friends, but it was also a meeting with an old self. A more brash, reckless, carefree, and idiotically ambitious self.

These pockets, as seldom as they come, serve as a reminder. 

The world as we knew it may no longer exist. The self that we were may have long expired. We may never find ourselves transcending time and space to redo all that has been, but...

It matters not that the world passes us by.

It matters not that the universe persists in its indifference. 

It's the human connection that makes it all worthwhile.

Human connection is what makes these "pockets." These ephemeral pockets that, paradoxically, can last a lifetime. As long as one of us remembers the other, these pockets will continue to exist for us to visit. The moment may be temporary, but the memory will last. Maybe not forever, but long enough. Our very own personal Neverland.

And don't you worry, friends. Just in case any of you are reading this, this is not a plea for help. Nor is it a metaphorical scream into the void to unleash all of my life's woes.

For once, I am writing out of joy.

I felt happy.

And perhaps, from here on out I will be wiser. Maybe next year, I'll finally learn how to forgive myself. Let things go and continue living, despite being burdened by my past mistakes. Burdened, sure, but I won't let them define who I am.

With the year coming to a close, I finally have something to remember about this year. Something definitive that differentiates 2024 from 2023. A piece of memory that will keep me going for now. Like a line of coke.

Okay maybe not like a proper line, but, y'know, maybe more of a bump. Just enough to jumpstart the nerves and get going, y'know what I mean?

...yeah sorry, it's the old defensive mechanism. Can't help it, old habits die hard. Gotta sprinkle in a joke somewhere. Can't get too serious, can I? Gotta put the mask back on sooner or later.

But hey, 

I know life gets in the way and all, but

I sure hope I can meet you again sometime. 

Maybe we'll make more memories yet. 

More "pockets" for us to visit on a rainy day. 

Wouldn't hurt, don't you think?