What's Funnier than 2024?

 

Gaahhh DAYUM this year went by. I don't even know what happened but here we are, the cusp of a new year yet again. Fuck me man hahahahaha FUCK I'm about to turn 27 next year holy mother of God. Twenty goddamned seven, could you believe it, ladies and gents, almost a decade since I almost walked my way off this earth, literally. And here I remain, in the flesh, with limbs attached and bones intact, with my mind only slightly gone off the rails, but still here.

Some days, I wish I would've taken that step, some days I'm glad I didn't, but that's life baby hohhoooo YEAH I'm losing it with EVERY SINGLE PASSING DAY DAWG.

Listen alright, this may or may not be the most coherent post I've ever put on the interwebs, but cut me some slack, I haven't seen a shrink in a decade now. I've been surviving off of pure hatred and will, doing it absolutely raw. I might be sober, but sane? Now that's a whole nother story, partner.

So yes, the year Two Thousand and Twenty-Four after the passing of Big Man J, what a year to remember.

NOT.

Put a gun to my head and ask me five significant things that happened to me this year, I'd probably help you pull the trigger myself.

Some things did happen, and they were in fact hugely impactful to my overall character, but who gives a shit, right?

I think I've written it in one of my recent posts, but I think if there's one thing that I've been seeking throughout this year that still eludes me, it is one thing.

Catharsis.

Yes, I finally put a finger on it. I've been sort of alluding to it a few times, but the word didn't quite come to mind. It was at the tip of my cock fingers, and it finally came.

Catharsis.

A relief from repressed emotions. Purging the mental slate clean, starting over weightless and anew.

At the ripe age of twenty-six, it seems that I am actually getting worse and worse at regulating my emotions if you could believe it. How is this even remotely possible, I don't know, but this is the current state of affairs up inside my head. Every passing year, my noodle loses a wrinkle, slowly changing into the smoothbrain that I was destined to be.

Smoothbrain aside, it actually feels like I have gained a new level of self-awareness. I think in my teens, I used that self-awareness for jokes. In my late teens, I used it to sorta justify my idealistic worldview and the spite I held (still hold, to be honest, but maybe not as extreme) towards the world. And in adulthood, I used, and am using, it to torture myself. I am more aware of my flaws, past and current. All the mistakes, all the hurt that I inflicted upon others, are becoming more poignant. They haunt me to no end, and I've just sorta been using it to keep myself going. 

These are sins that I've yet to repay, a debt that I must cover one way or another. I know for a fact that I won't be able to pay them by laying six feet under, so the least I could do is to live, knowing. Because I'm not sure there's much else I could do if I'm being completely transparent with you.

And that is exactly why I seek the ever-elusive catharsis. Long have I awaited for some sort of great relief as I approach the year's end. Yet, here we are, on the eve of a new cycle, and I bear the weight of my sins still.

Am I being a tad dramatic? Yes. Absolutely. To be perfectly honest, the final quarter of the year wasn't all that bad. Wasn't the best as far as endings go, but not bad. If anything, I'd dare say that the year's ending on a relatively high note. "Relatively" being the key word here. But hey, relative positivity is still good, considering my position.

Within the past three months, I attended not just one, but two of my closest friends' weddings. Saturday morning basketball had newcomers, rekindling the waning competitive spirit of the older members. I found a lot of great music to listen to. I reconnected with friends of old. All in all, this year's ending is far more than I deserved, but The Big Man Upstairs seems to think otherwise. Maybe He's giving me a break for all the trouble He's made me go through, or maybe this is just a little calm before yet another oncoming storm, but either way, I am grateful.

If there are some things that I desperately wish to do, I've narrowed it down to two things:

1. To slow things down.

I am anxiety, trapped inside the fragile body of a man. I cannot seem to slow things down if my life depends on it, even though I know that slowing things down will do me a lot of good. What do I mean by that? Well, I can't quite explain it, but I can use examples and scenarios to paint the picture.

The simple act of walking in public. Let me tell you something, I Hate, with a capital H, slow walkers. I have wished unspeakable things upon these lesser subspecies of humans, I simply cannot stand them. During work commute, especially so. The number of times I was stuck behind a slow walker on the staircase out of the MRT, oh my goodness gravy. The thing is, right, if they'd just move out of the way, then that's fine, I have no beef with them. But they just don't. I had to hold myself from performing the good ol' Leonidas on them. In these moments, I've had to consciously take over my own thoughts, and tell myself, "Dude, what is actually wrong with you? Relax man, there's nothing wrong with walking slowly." Even in moments where I've told myself, "Right, I'm going to take it easy today, tomorrow's the weekend and I'm going to walk at cruise speed," I still end up going Tokyo Drift on other pedestrians.

Driving. I enjoy driving, but I don't know why, I always feel like I have to arrive at my destination as fast as possible, even when I don't have any particular destination in mind.

Basketball. Speed had always been my biggest weapon. Problem is, I've relied a lot on my explosiveness and athleticism. Now that I'm a bit older, well, the speed's still there, but the explosiveness? The change of pace? The sharpness in the changes of direction?

Kaput.

When I'm running the fast break and it's an open court, sure, no one can beat me, but in the halfcourt setting, I've become so linear. The thing is, I've had instances of great success when I slowed things down, but I had to really, and I mean really focus up because my first instinct is a lot similar to Sonic's. My brain just tells me that I gotta go fast all the time.

There are plenty of examples still, but I think I've made my point. I know what to do and I just need to alter my brain slowly to get used to it. Take things slow, be it life, basketball, or whatever. The time will pass anyway, there is no need for me to be in such a hurry. Slow things down and appreciate the details. Going slow provides better control. Maybe that's why I feel like I'm always helpless because I just couldn't stop being Speed Racer.

2. I want to take bigger risks

This one might come off as a bit selfish. I have people depending on me now, mouths to feed, bills to pay. But my ambitions are yet to be achieved. My dreams are yet to be realized. I want to take a free dive. I've lived comfortably for a little too long now. But that is as far as I can tell you. As the famous Dr. Umar once said, 

"I have plans that I cannot share with you right now because the haters are gonna sabotage me."

I'm going into the new year with a healthy amount of optimism. Let's just hope whatever awaits me in this new frontier will guide me to be a better person.