A Stranger I Adored
(Before you read this, you may wanna read "The Ships of Relation - Violets Aren't Blue" first if you haven't for a bit of background. Then, you can also read "The Ships of Relation - I Don't Like Her" and "The Ships of Relation - Crash and Burn", just so you get the full story and context. I'll explain some basic things here, too, but just not as detailed. All the following events happened prior to my first departure to Japan. The timeline between these posts are a little all over the place due to the lack of attention to flow and cohesiveness in my writing. Sorry about that. Anyhow, if you're reading this, have a good day!)
---
"Fakfakfakfakfak. Fak. FAK. FAAAK Dims, ini kayaknya mending gue pulang aja deh. Perut gue meriah banget anjir, parah I can't take this anymore", seru gue. Butiran keringat dingin menusuk tengkuk gue. Jantung gue mau copot. Gue terbata-bata. I was on edge, fight or flight mode had been switched on.
"Eeh udah Ror santai aja, kan udah jauh-jauh masa' gak jadi. Sayang bensin laah"
"YEILE DIMS URUSAN BENSIN MAH BISA NANTI KALI, gue gugup banget ini woi, gue kan gak kenal siapa-siapa di sini! Ampun, ini mana orang-orangnya pada keliatan necis banget lagi, all these high-class looking Chindo, gue bopung buluk sendiri, gimana men, gilak emang, udah pengen mati Dims, this is too much"
"I can't do this, man, help".
— — —
"Yeah well I've told you I wanted to study something along the lines of marine biology or zoology or some stuff like that, but... well, um, let's just say my brain has... other plans for me ahaha"
"Ooh that's unfortunate, but I mean with a business degree, it'd be hard for you not to get a job right? So at least you got that going for you"
Ini merupakan kali kedua kami video call. Kali pertama terasa sangat canggung, dan gue hampir mati jantungan. Berdebar-debar rasanya nungguin gambar muka dia nongol di layar kaca leptop gue, karena sejauh yang gue tau, masih ada kemungkinan kalo orang yang gue hubungi ini merupakan seorang pria duda beranak lima bernama Haryono. Untungnya, yang nongol merupakan seorang perempuan seumuran gue dengan mata, err, "minimalis" dan rambut bob. Despite the obvious disgust in her face, she didn't hang up straight away, and we talked, and it went swimmingly well. For me, at least. Can't really say the same for her, though.
Kali kedua ini, jujur, masih sama aja, walaupun tidak seekstrim yang pertama. Aneh memang rasanya, untuk video call dengan seseorang yang gue belum pernah temui secara langsung. I've had female online friends before, but they're usually continents away, dan mentok-mentok paling cuma chatting aja, gak bakalan nyampe telefonan, let alone video call.
Sudah sekitar dua bulan sejak gue match dengan Agar, cewek yang gue gesek kanan di aplikasi Tinder, dan semenjak hari itu, hampir setiap hari kami ngobrol. Mungkin bukan "hampir" lagi, setiap hari malah. To think that I was actually close to someone I've never met before is beyond me, because now, all I do most of the time is grind for GSP. And yes, despite my best efforts, I have yet to taste the sweet, sweet glory of Elite Smash.
Ehem, oke maap ngelantur.
Like every other "platonic-but-not-really" relationships I had in the past, I was expecting things to get a tad bit more awkward, karena dari pengalaman gue sebelumnya, biasanya kalo satu sisi udah tau sisi yang lain suka, tapi gak langsung jadian, biasanya kan jadi jaim-jaim gimana gitu, agar si doi tidak berhenti suka. But then again, my "experience" itu cuma ada dua, jadi mungkin gue aja yang kurang pengalaman. ANYHOO, what I was trying to say is it didn't get awkward at all. Okay, maybe not "at all", but, y'know. After the night we talked our feelings out, we just continued talking the next day like nothing happened at all. Although, the following morning, her texts did seem little bubblier than usual, which, I'll admit, was adorable in its own way.
Gue? Gue, yang kebal terhadap beragam stimulus emosi ini? Pfffft.
Bangun keesokan paginya dengan mulut berbusa, kepala sempoyongan, dan mata belekan, soalnya susah tidur semaleman, saking bahagianya.
Right, back to the whole video call thingymabob.
"Soo umm what about you? Have you given it any thought? University stuff, I mean", tanya gue, melanjutkan percakapan.
"Well I think I told you already, too, but I'm probably gonna major something in either biology or chemistry, or maybe something in between, I dunno hahaha"
"Ooh iya sih, now that you said it, you did told me dulu pas pertama kenal hahaha. Terus, any idea where you wanna go? And if you haven't, might I suggest, ehem, Japan?"
"Ahahah gue sih pengennya ke UK, but my mom said kejauhan, jadi kayaknya pilihan gue cuma sekitar Asia sama Australia"
"Japan's in Asia"
"Yes I'm aware of that, thank you. But yea, no, Japan's on my list, I guess, and I think one of my friends are planning to apply to Nagoya Uni, but I dunno, my first thought sih... Hong Kong"
Oh. Oh no, I do not like where this is going.
"H-Ho--Hong Kong? HKU? Atau—"
"Yeaa kinda, but I'm leaning more towards HKUST"
Oh. Oh no. This bad. Me no likey. Me want jump cliff.
"O-Ooh iya ech-ke-yu-es-ti, i-iya itu... bagus ahaha iya, eshkeyusti heeh b-bagus..." At that point, I truly believe my whole life is just basically a sub-par slapstick comedy written by no other than the Man Up There, for all the people in heaven (and hell, we never know) to enjoy.
"Umm you sound kinda disappointed", kata Agar, yang ternyata peka terhadap intonasi bicara orang.
"Disappointed? Errr ng-nggak kok ahaha hahah ha ha kenapa gue mesti d-disappointed?? Me? Disappointed???? Psshh of course not ahahahaaanywaaayy, what flavored ice cream do you like?", ujar gue, berusaha sekuat tenaga untuk mengalihkan topik pembicaraan.
You know, I never really had a least favorite country. But now, I do.
The call went on for quite some time and we talked about a bunch of things, some important, some trivial, but none I found uninteresting. We had talked until well past midnight, and as the topic for conversation started drying up, we decided it was time to say goodnight, end the video session, and hit the hay.
If my memory serves me right, it didn't take us a week until we decided to have another call, and it wasn't until this time around that the topic of meeting each other in person was brought up.
"Oh iya, baidewei, sebelum gue lupa, ada yang mau gue bilang ke lo", ujar Agar.
"Hoo okay, what's up?"
"Jadi sekolah gue mau ngadain event, semacam pertunjukan seni gitu. Drama, band, you know, those kinda things. I was thinking... maybe... you'd like to come?"
Wao. Nyatakah semua ini? Fatamorgana ngaco macam apa pula ini?
"O-oh, that so? Kapan emang acaranya?"
"It's gonna be on November xx evening"
"Right, okay, let me just check my schedule real quick", gue bilang ke dia, berlagak sibuk. Padahal, gue, yang saat itu masih magang sebagai teacher's assistant, mentok juga palingan sibuk namatin Alpha Sapphire untuk yang kedua kalinya.
"Hmm alright, yeah, I think I should be free that evening", ujar gue lagi, sok sungkan, padahal udah kebelet pipis, kegirangan.
"Soo you're coming?"
"If you don't mind it, yep, I am"
"Umm g-great! Are you gonna be by yourself or... ?"
"Euuhh I-I think so? Temen-temen gue udah pada kuliah kan, jadi... I mean, d-do I have to come with someone? I don't—"
"Y-yeah, I mean, of course it's completely fine ahaha, I'm just, y'know, I need to make sure how many tickets I need to reserve for you"
"Ooh ahaha right, got you"
"Okay, one ticket it is!"
"Yepp, thank you! Oh and, err... just as a clarification, you will be there, right?"
"Hahahaha ya iyalah dude, ngapain juga gue ngajak lo kalo guenya gak dateng. Well I'm actually one of the panitia sih, so I kinda have to be there"
"Lah kalo panitia bukannya harus sibuk ngapa-ngapain nanti?"
"Hmm yeah maybe, but I think my job's not gonna be that much. Even if I do have stuff to do, I think we can still manage to meet lah at least"
"O-oh, gitu ya? Ahahah well, if you say so"
"Alright, oh jangan lupa nanti tiketnya limapuluh ribu ya"
"LIMAPU— ehm, y-yep, right, okay, roger that! Nanti gue bawa celengan sekalian biar gak lupa deh", timpal gue, sambil menjaga ketenangan hati yang sedikit terguncang oleh harga masuk tiket acara tersebut.
Hari demi hari, malam demi malam, tanggal yang dinanti-nanti semakin lama semakin dekat. Gue, yang awalnya tidak terlalu kepikiran, lama-lama jadi stres sendiri, parnoan kayak ibu-ibu yang udah tiga hari cuciannya belom kering karena cuaca mendung terus.
Ini gue beneran ketemu orang yang gue kenal dari internet? At a place I've never been to before? Filled with people I don't know? And I have to pay fifty thousand Indonesian rupiah for it????
Fak men, jangankan sama orang asing, sama orang yang udah kenal aja gue kadang masih linglung kalo ketemuan.
And thus, the day finally arrived. Oh boy, it's actually happening. It's actually happening, ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill, I repeat, this is not a drill. Mentari sudah berada di ufuk barat, sore sudah hampir berganti malam, gue pun bersiap-siap untuk akhirnya bertemu Agar. In person. Gue mandi sebersih-bersihnya, gosok gigi sampe gusi berdarah, pake deodoran biar gak bau ketek, pilih baju paling bagus, pake wax rambut which, I rarely ever use, so you know I went all out boi. I was really trying to impress this high school girl I... met... online...?
I should not have put it that way, that did not sound right, I do beg your pardon.
Gue pun berangkat dengan mobil Sirion handalan, menuju "Kota IKEA", tempat di mana sekolah Agar berada. Sepanjang perjalanan, perut gue serasa dikocok-kocok, kayak naik rollercoaster, tapi ini gak ada seru-serunya. Untuk menenangkan hati, Dimas bersedia untuk gue telefon, jadi gue telefon lah tuh orang.
"Dims"
"Oi Ror, ciye gimana nih, udah otewe?"
"Iya nih, gue lagi di jalan tol. Ngomongin hal yang lain yuk, kalo kepikiran mulu ini butterflies kaga ilang-ilang Dims, nanti gue nyampe sono mencret ke mana-mana anjir, kan ga enak bikin ilfil"
"Hahaha gilak Rory nih, akhirnya ketemuan juga ya"
"DIMS I TOLD YOU NOT TO KEEP REMINDING ME, I KNOW I AM, BUT LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW, THANKS"
Jadilah, gue ditemani Dimas dalam perjalanan menuju pentas seni sekolah Agar.
Perjalanan yang lumayan jauh, berkat Dimas dan juga pompaan adrenalin di sekujur tubuh gue, terasa sangat pendek. Tanpa sadar, gue udah ada di depan gerbang pintu masuk sekolahnya Agar, yang ternyata luas. Saking luasnya, gue masuk aja harus ngambil tiket parkir.
"Wah gilak Dims, ini sekolah guuede buuanget, bener-bener sekolah orang elit dims. Nah nah nah, terus udah keliatan tuh banyak gerombolan anak-anak Chindo berdompet tebal. Gilak, gue out of place banget dude", ujar gue.
"Lah, sekolah lo juga gitu kan Ror"
"... bener juga ya"
Gue pun mengemudikan mobil gue ke parkiran, untungnya masih dapet. I texted her, saying that I had arrived, to which she replied telling me that she'll be waiting near the performance hall entrance, with an orange shirt and a tied hair, and accompanied with one of her close friends. Gue pun matiin mesin, tapi membiarkan akinya nyala, supaya radionya (yang terhubung ke hape lewat bluetooth and acts as a loudspeaker) tidak mati. Gue diam membeku. Dimas masih terhubung.
And all of a sudden, everything just caved in on me.
"Fakfakfakfakfak. Fak. FAK. FAAAK Dims, ini kayaknya mending gue pulang aja deh. Perut gue meriah banget anjir, parah I can't take this anymore", seru gue. Butiran keringat dingin menusuk tengkuk gue. Jantung gue mau copot. Gue terbata-bata. I was on edge, fight or flight mode had been switched on.
"Eeh udah Ror santai aja, kan udah jauh-jauh masa' gak jadi. Sayang bensin laah"
"YEILE DIMS URUSAN BENSIN MAH BISA NANTI KALI, gue gugup banget ini woi, gue kan gak kenal siapa-siapa di sini! Ampun, ini mana orang-orangnya pada keliatan necis banget lagi, all these high-class looking Chindo, gue bopung buluk sendiri, gimana men, gilak emang, udah pengen mati Dims, this is too much. I can't do this man, I'm actually just gonna go home dude"
"Oke, oke, okeokeokeoke I got this, okay, breathe, breathe, fuuuuh haaaaaah, fuuuuuh haaaah... DIMS KOK MALAH TAMBAH MULES, INI SERASA UDAH NONGOL DIKIT GIMANA NIH"
"Ahahaha ya ampun Ror udah laaah. Kalo nggak, pikirin gini. Kalo lo gugup, berarti kemungkinan dianya juga gugup, ya nggak? Gini gini, kan lo tadi bilang gak ada yang kenal di situ, nah bukannya bagus? Malah bodo amat kan, lo mau kayak gembel apa gimana juga, toh gak kenal ini, ya kan? Udah Ror, gih, keluar, udah ditungguin lho pasti"
"HmrmmmrhghhghhrhhhgmmhhNGGGGHh fine. Fine. Fine. Okay. Fine. Tapi kalo dia kabur gara-gara ngeliat wujud asli gue, terus gue pulang galau, it's on you ya, tanggung jawab lu"
"Hahahahaha lo udah kayak siluman aja pake ada 'wujud asli' segala. Iyadeh Ror, nanti pas kita ketemu, gue traktir es krim"
I then ended the call, dan berusaha sekuat tenaga untuk menenangkan perut gue yang tak kunjung berhenti menggelitik. Dengan satu tarikan nafas panjang, and a proper double-slap to the face for good measure, I said to myself, "Here goes nothing", and got out the car.
Udara malam itu terasa dingin, menusuk paru-paru gue dengan setiap nafas. Gue pun berjalan menuju gedung yang ramai, karena gue gak tau acaranya di mana jadi gue asumsi kumpulan manusia tersebut sebagai tanda "ACARANYA DI SINI". Mulailah mata mencari si doi, mencari orang yang memenuhi semua kriteria yang tadi dia kasih. Jantung gue makin bergemuruh, serasa udah di ambang pintu akhirat. And then, there she was.
Cewek Tionghoa mungil, rambut dikepang, baju oranye, sedang berdiri dengan temannya.
Dia juga kelihatan sedang mencari-cari seseorang. Our eyes met, kami akhirnya saling liat-liatan, dan saling melambaikan tangan. Dia lebih pendek dari yang gue kira, seleher gue juga mungkin gak sampe. Layaknya panitia, dia terlihat letih dan bermandikan keringat, yang saat itu sangat berkontras dengan temen di sebelahnya. Mukanya kinclong dihiasi makeup, pake kaos hitam dan jaket jeans.
I walked towards her and her friend, trying my best to keep my composure (((and consciousness))).
"Heyy I'm here ahaha", sapa gue.
"Heey, you actually made it. Oh, by the way, this is my friend, Shay, dia bakal perform dance nanti", sahut Agar, sembari memperkenalkan temennya ke gue.
"Shay, nice to meet you, Agar's talked lots about you", kata si Shay, menyodorkan tangannya ke arah gue.
"O-oh, Rory, hahaha well I, yeah, that's, I mean, good, great, yes, I d—nice to meet you too", jawab gue, kalap, seraya menjabat tangannya.
"Eh, iya, ini", si Agar kembali bercakap. Dia merogoh kantong celananya, dan memberikan isi kantong tersebut ke gue.
"Ini tiketnya"
"Ooh iya, than—"
"Limapuluh ribu"
"... A-ah, right, of course"
Gue pun mengeluarkan dompet gue dari kantong pantat, terus gue keluarkan selembar rupiah biru dan gue kasih ke Agar.
"Soo when's the show gonna start?", tanya gue.
"Bentar lagi sih nih, lo masuk aja sana"
"... y-ya tapi kan gue gak ada kenalan selain lo, ntar gue jadi anak ilang"
"Ooh right, yaudah yuk masuk aja"
Kami bertiga pun masuk ke dalam hall pentasnya, bersamaan dengan, who I could only assume, murid-murid sekolahnya Agar.
Di dalam hall, sudah ada beberapa teman Agar yang juga datang menonton, ada beberapa dari sekolah lain. Ada cowok berkepala kubus, ada cewek hyper dari all-girls school, dan lainnya. Gue lupa oke, I have the memory of a goldfish. I can't remember all too much about the show itself, because, well, my focus wasn't exactly on the show. I'd spend some time explaining more on what that means, but I know y'all smart, y'all get the gist of it, right?
The only thing I do remember is that there was a half Filipino guy as one of the actors of the play, and Shay performing in a group modern dance sorta stuff.
Long story short, the show was fantabudocious, but of course, the show was not my highlight of the evening, so it could've gone either way and I'd still say it was amazing regardless. For the first time, I got to meet someone outside of my circle without the aid of a mutual. A girl, a human girl, from another school, from a umm... somewhat... not-too-blatantly racist family background, and there I was, spending most of my evening next to her.
Sure, technology did help, but, I mean, come on, y'all cut me some slack and give me a little bit of credit.
The night felt short, and the show ended before I had realized it. The hall was in pandemonium, everyone trying to meet with everyone and celebrate. I was just trying my best to stick with Agar, hoping not to drown in the sea of people. We then met Shay, who was visibly tired after the performance. Agar hugged her and gave her a shower of compliments and congratulatory words, and I did the same. Minus the hugging part.
"Eh, foto dulu yuk, kita bertiga", Agar berkata, dengan smartphone siap digenggamnya.
And so, we snapped some pics. The three of us, exhausted, but exuberant, too. I still got them on my phone, but I don't think showing them would be necessary.
Finally, it was time to go home. The night was young, and if I had grown some bigger, harder balls, I probably would've asked her to go for a cuppa cocoa or two. I mean, chances are, it ain't happening, but still, at least I didn't not ask.
"Welp, I guess it's go home time now, isn't it? Ahahah", I said to her, hoping she'd say 'no'.
"Aww, yea, I think so too, unfortunately", dia balas.
"Umm well, hahah, I-I guess I'll... see you... next time? Maybe? I-if that's okay with you, of course, I mean, personally, I'd like to meet you again in the near future, but if you don't wanna, that's also okay, but if you do, then that'd be g— "
"Yes, Ror, I know what you mean kok hahaha, and sure, I'd definitely like to see you again next time"
"Ahahahah right, yes, right, o-of course you do, sorry for rambling so much. Anyway, ummm yeah... t-thank you... for, y'know, inviting me and all. I had a blast"
"No worries, and right back at you. Oh, and by the way, you didn't turn out the way Shay and I had anticipated"
"......... i-is that... a good thing? Do I even wanna ask that at all?"
"Hahahaha it is kok, don't worry. We thought your sense of fashion would be a catastrophe, but that's not the case, and Shay thought your voice would sound annoying, but she said your voice is surprisingly 'soothing'"
"I... well, I mean... ahahah thanks... I guess? I'm not su—eh well, either way, my car's in the parking lot over there soo yeah. Bye, Agar. Have a good night!"
"Okayy bye Ror! You too"
And so I walked back to my car, with the biggest grin on my face. An idiotic, shameless grin, the one typically shown by a child that just got a new toy dinosaur. But not just any dinosaur, it's the big boy T-Rex. That's right, after repeatedly getting those lame ass Iguanodons and Gallimimuses, the kid had finally got himself a T-Rex. This is a weird analogy, I'm gonna stop.
Bottom line is, I drove back home, feeling nothing but bliss. I couldn't sleep that night. Again.
Sure enough, it wasn't long until we met for the second time. She invited me to another school event, only this time, it's not hers. It's her hyper-friend from the all-girls school's marching band exhibition, and this girl's the band leader. Dan kali ini, hanya ada kami berdua. Gue inget Agar sampai di tempat duluan, and how she just popped into my car when I got there a few minutes later, even though she could've just waited by the entrance while I park. Not that I'm complaining or anything, I was just taken by surprise is all. Jarang-jarang pak, ada cewek tiba-tiba masuk mobil saya tanpa diundang.
Setelah acara tersebut, gue inget nanyain dia dua pertanyaan sebelum dia pulang. It was... pretty dramatic, I'll admit that much. She was about to go to her car, I was about to go to mine, but midway through, I just said "fuck", ran back to where she was, hoping her driver had yet to arrive, grabbed her by the arm, and asked her
"What are we? Where do we go from here?"
To describe her as "utterly confuzzled" would be an understatement. She couldn't answer straight away, and understandably so. The moment got really awkward, because this is not some shitty romcom where I'm the protagonist who'd always get things his way. Even then, after we talked things through, we kept going about whatever we had going on.
Kami juga sempat pergi ke Dufan, gue dan beberapa teman dekatnya Agar. There was me, her, Shay, and Shai. There was also that time when I went ice skating with her and her other two close friends, Ama and Seph. Dari sudut pandang orang lain, mungkin gue terlihat seperti cowok ngondek yang kalo malem krecekan di area Monas, temennya cewek semua.
Of course, we all know how this all ended. While I do still keep in touch with Agar from time and again, we're nowhere near as close as we used to. Why? I dunno, a lot of reasons, really. Maybe me going to Japan and going through a whole "honeymoon" phase there played a huge part, and I fully acknowledge that (and take the blame for it), but I feel like even if I didn't, even if I would've stayed... well, I dunno, actually. But heyho, so it goes.
It was a fun period of time, for sure, one that I might have taken for granted. But alas, it was all in the past. Did it end too soon? Perhaps, but what difference does it make? Sooner or later, we all must grow up, and understanding that not everyone can be a part of our life, it just so happens I had to learn that one sooner.
Man, I am rambling again, aren't I? This gloomy Jakarta weather's really gotten into me, man, I'm telling ya.
your life is wild
ReplyDeleteliving for the poetic melancholy of "what are we? where do we go from here?"